Storyline Reflections // Part 2

I don't know where to start. I've been sitting in this coffee shop since 3pm...current time 6:30pm. I felt the inspiration. It's one of those feelings I get in my chest. I can't explain it other than it's like I start to lead from that part of my being. Everyone leads with a specific part of their body. It tells you a lot about that person and a lot about what kind of day they are having or what season of life they are in. Well, I'm supposing the only way to begin to know what to write is to just start writing. 

I think I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the things I want to share. Sharing life with others is a huge part of who I am. It's a daily desire. It comes from my chest, a physical feeling that pulls. I often have to subdue the need to jump the gun and pace myself in my sharing. I'm always conditioning my listening ears and receptive heart. It's a process.

Having a whole half journal full of notes I'm finding it hard to cut down to just the most important things. I don't record things that I don't find important or applicable. Any attempt to explain my experience at Storyline will always fall short. So before I attempt to share my experience I'd like to set the stage for you. I want to share where I found myself before the conference because I think it has significant value to the greater impact and purpose behind my attendance. I will say this, I'm very particular about what I write in my journals. I don't start writing unless I feel like I have given the journal a purpose and future. I almost didn't start writing till Day 1 of sessions and breakouts. I'm so glad I didn't wait.

(the following is an excerpt from the very first pages of my journal)

W E D N E S D A Y

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––November 4th 2015––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Let's begin here. Seat 8F. Window. We've departed Norfolk Intl. My connection is in Charlotte, NC and then it's on to Chicago, IL.   I'm on my way to Storyline Conf. The conference was born out of the dreams of Donald Miller who wrote "Blue Like Jazz" and most recently "Scary Close." I have such a strong admiration and connection with his works that I started reading some of his articles on Storyline Blog. (Insert Side Note: My overhead light just went out...it's 8pm...I kinda need that. Good thing I have a whole row to myself––middle seat lamp it is!) Anyway, I decided back in September that I wanted to attend the Storyline Conference that is held in Chicago every year. My boss approved my time off, the Lord blessed me with the funds, I bought my ticket and blinked. Here I am...flying on my own...to Chicago, IL. 

Honestly, I don't really know what to expect. In a way I think I have an advantage going into the conference a bit unaware. It'll leave me with room to discover. If anything, I do feel that the word 'discovery" is a foreshadowing of what a lot of my experience at this conference will be. I'm open for impression. I'm anxious out of pure heart. My Spirit is prayerful that God will reveal Himself and will impress His heart upon mine. 

Key things I know about the conference are as follows: We'll be talking about dreams, telling our stories, and hearing dreams and stories. We'll "leave with a life plan." Doesn't sound too bad to me! I'm excited to learn. I'm excited to dialogue. I'm excited to meet new people and hear their stories. Maybe make a few friends? I'm confident that my attendance at Storyline is with purpose. The purpose will reveal itself in due time. 

• Gabrielle •

on the plane to chitown

Colorado Dreamin // Part I

• Scribed while sitting at my kitchen table, window open, peppers and onions on the stove •

It is time. Basically I have found a blissful moment to sit down and write. I have had so much on my brain and not enough time in the day to sit down and write about it all. I'm back logged on blogging. Even now I am getting up every so often to toss my food veggies and then sit down to resume writing. It's beautifully gloomy outside. A bit humid, but I can handle it. The house is quite because everyone's gone and I'm not playing any music. Sometimes my brain needs a break. I can hear crickets outside my window, I can hear my fingers hitting the keys, and I can hear the popping of extra virgin olive oil in the pan. Now that I have introduced the scene I can get to the rest of this happy post.

"How was your trip?!" -- "How was Colorado?!" -- I'm sure Kelsey and I heard these two questions about a hundred times after our arrival back home. Last I spoke of Colorado I told you that we quickly bought the tickets and didn't look back. I also said that if I didn't write while I was out there that I would have plenty to share upon my return. So let's start from the beginning...

The night before we left for Colorado Kelsey and I celebrated a friend's birthday at a restaurant in Norfolk. Come to find out as we were leaving we both had barely started packing. We had a long night ahead of us. The morning of a friend's mom (whom I consider to be a spiritual mother to me) picked me up and dropped me off at the airport. The excitement grew as I walked up to my gate only to find that a good friend of mine (whom I also used to rock climb with) was at my gate as a gate attendant. We chatted about my newest adventure and then before long I boarded the plane and was up in the air. I think I slept only a bit before I landed in New Jersey to connect flights and meet up with Kelsey who was on an earlier departing flight than I was. My heart skipped a beat when we reunited in the concourse of Newark. We both hadn't had breakfast and she had so patiently waited for me so it was the first thing we did. As we sat over our breakfast sandwiches and coffee I asked her about what she felt, if anything, that this trip would be for her. Originally I had bought my plane ticket and then soon after Kelsey hopped on board, which I wouldn't have changed for anything. It was a refreshing moment. Thinking now on the fact that we were at our half way point towards our destination kinda symbolizes where we both find ourselves. I can still remember how it felt to sit there and hear her heart. That is my first cherished moment of the trip. We are both in transition. I said nothing of the blog post I had written the night before but as she kept talking there was more and more connection and commonality for us than I had realized. I eventually shared about my wanting to be expectant and not expecting and she agreed that's where she was as well. What a beautiful start to the trip and a moment I will remember as a budding part of our beginning friendship. 

So how about I leave you with that for now. There may be 20 parts to this tale of adventures west but I'm down for sharing them if you're down for some reading. If you're not, well then, I'm sorry, too bad, because I am sharing them anyway. You're welcome. ;) 

I'll leave you with a photo and believe me there are plenty more to come. I gotta scarf some food and hit the rock gym! 

Freely,

Gabrielle

Elysian

 

I am embarking on this journey of beauty and creativity. I am longing to be divinely inspired and to be overtaken by perfect peace. If anyone asked me after the new year what my new year resolution was I told them I had not made one. I do however have certain things that I am wanting to focus on, or meditate on, or act upon. One of the main things I talked about was my desire to remain inspired. Now, this inspiration could come from just about anywhere. I find inspiration in the conversations I have with people, in the sermons I listen to, in the books that I read, in the scriptures that I meditate on, in my dreams, and out amongst nature. This morning I want to write about how nature inspires me, we shall see if I can even begin to touch on this expansive subject.

I don't remember if I have already shared what I am about to share but if not, I must, because I am sure to reference to it in the future. In past, when I have become overwhelmed in my own thoughts or I have bottled up anxieties or if I have felt that I need a dose of inspiration I take to nature. There's a sort of raw inspiration that comes from being amongst the most natural things on this earth. As one of my professors expressed in my 2012 Theatre Capstone class: "Artist's long to get back to the Garden of Eden." This has stuck with me since then because back in 2012 was when I first started to realize how important it is for me to be out amongst nature. Thankfully Virginia is a perfect state to provide me with both the beach and the mountains and the pastures and the forests. There's something about getting back to where creativity first began.  The creation of creativity...inception? I mean think about it. I just got this image of man kind being created first before light and before the world. It's funny for me to think about Adam just kinda being without anything else. Anything else. No gravity. No air. No light. Nothing. Then I can see creation happening and ohhhh man how Adam would have probably flipped his lid. But, back to thinking on how things really first came to be...

The heavens were created and the earth. I'm thinking that it was probably a precious moment between the Lord and His creation in those first few days. I mean, think about it...the natural beauties around us worship Him...

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
    and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." - Psalm 19:1

"All the earth worships you
    and sings praises to you;
    they sing praises to your name.” Selah" - Psalm 66:4

"And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying,

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!"" - Revelation 5:13

"...⁴ Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth;
    break forth into joyous song and sing praises!
⁵ Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre,
    with the lyre and the sound of melody!
⁶ With trumpets and the sound of the horn
    make a joyful noise before the King, the Lord!

⁷ Let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
    the world and those who dwell in it!
⁸ Let the rivers clap their hands;
    let the hills sing for joy together..." - Psalm 98:4-8

All of this to say that the earth is precious and the closest tangible, most pure thing I can experience on this earth. There's a sort of heart-sigh that I experience amongst nature. Something that calms me, and inspires me. My spirit rests at the sight of a mountainscape. My eyes are captivated by the details I observe. My heart yearns for more. I had a little dose of this two days ago as I was driving through Blue Ridge Parkway. I only wished someone else was driving so that I could let my eyes wander the ridge-lines of the horizon. I am romanced. 

I can feel it in my deepest of self when I know I need an escape to nature. It's those moments when I need all the space around me to release what I have been holding in. It's those moments where I feel so uninspired that it begins to tear at my creative spirit. It's those moments when I just need a little dose of peace amongst the hectic schedule I keep. 

I was one of those kids that instead of playing on the playground I sat in the middle of the field and picked clovers. I would lay in my driveway and watch the clouds pass by...one time I lost my lion king balloon as I was laying in the driveway and was so distraught...as you can see by my still remembering...it was a traumatic experience for me. I was 5. haha. I was the kid who hung out in the tree-like bushes because I was so small I could sit for hours in their limbs. I observed everything around me down to the smallest detail. 

Remaining inspired is important to me because I live in a busy world with task lists, and schedules to keep, and rent to pay. My desire is to remain inspired so that my artistic spirit continues to live. 

xoxo, Gabrielle

 

 *next time: I think I will write a bit about my experience in Roanoke + about the creative arts group I attend on Friday nights!!! Oh How Exciting!

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

With A Heavy Heart

It is with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat this morning that I write this post. For those of you who don't know a friend of mine from school from the theatre department, from my theatre family was killed in a head on car collision Saturday. He and the other driver in the accident were driving down a two lane highway in indiana (he on his way to a family reunion) when my friend Adam went to pass a Semi and didn't see the car in the other lane they both attempted to avoid each other pulling out and colliding head on in the ditch. Please be in prayer for the family of 5 that was in the other vehicle. The mother and father of the three children in the back seat were last in critical condition and the children's status was never released.

Adam was flown Careflight to a hospital and a few hours after the accident he passed away from his injuries. So one of my best friends texted me yesterday at 730am which would have been 630am her time to see if I had heard the news... one of the most sobering texts I have received in a long time. "B...did you hear about Adam?" (B is Julie's nickname for me) To which I responded no and she immediately called me. Our theatre department is a family, mess with one of us you better be careful because we have each others backs. I don't mean that to sound threatening it's just to represent how we look after each other. I don't know ho I could have survived college without my theatre family students and professors alike. So with this news we are all breaking and the Crowhort is probably taking it the hardest because they spent the last three years studying, learning and growing together to finish up with their MFAs back last month. My heart breaks for my friend's loss and breaks for the hurt that so many of my wonderful and dear MFA friends are experiencing.

A little over a year ago Adam's father was killed in a car accident as well. He was devastated and we all hurt for him. We even set up a giving account where people could contribute to helping to bury his father and send him home for the funeral...here we are a little more than a year later with a giving account set up once more for our friend, our own brother's funeral. I want to say a few things about the character of my friend Adam before I go on in this post to reference some things I am learning this morning about death.

A Character of Life

I met Adam when he was a first year MFA student and I was a Junior in College. The first show we worked on together was Three Musketeers. I was the Assistant Stage Manager and he was one of the main supporting roles. Adam was a humorous guy. He liked to tease the BA's especially the girls because he found them to be more gullible, knowing we would fall for his dry sarcasm and humor or just for the tap on the shoulder-walk away-pretend it wasn't you joke. Adam would tease me about taking me out on the date that he had never asked me out on. He also joked about how he felt we were growing distant after we had just finished an entire show we worked together on for several months. "Adam...we just spent the past several months working on a show together!" hahaha. He joked about me leaving him alone with the kids...that we didn't have. He was always one to walk up to a group of us talking and put his arm around one or two or three people and stick his head into the conversation. He and some of the other guys had a game where they called dibs on everyone and everything so yes even myself along with so many other girls of the department got called "dibs" on. "Dibs on Gabe!!!!" - Adam "What does that even meeeeean?! Hahaha" -Me ::Adam Shrugs Shoulders::

Adam was a giving person, a true 21st century good samaritan. A friend of mine had mentioned to someone within ear shot of him that she was frustrated that she didn't even have money to buy lunch and he whipped out a $10 and handed it to her not even knowing who she was. Adam had the biggest arms and the biggest hugs coming from a big guy with an even bigger heart. Adam made sure that no one person went unnoticed or unrecognized. I can remember on several occasions where he praised me for doing a good job even clapping for me as he walked by. "Keep up the good work Gabe." -Adam. I don't think I appreciated that as much as I should have. Adam saw when people were having a rough day, he knew just by looking at them. He was quick to listen and be there for the people he cared about. Although he was scared of leaving school and heading out to LA he was determined to make the leap of faith with his fathers encouraging words "I'm betting on you even if no one else is" and knowing God had his back. My friend Tim put it this way: "If you haven't made the world a better place, then what difference does it make. Thank you Adam for inspiring us to live fully, love passionately, and laugh without hesitation." If I could say anything that would encompass him, that right there would ice the cake.

So...death. A bittersweet taste on my tongue with that one word. & can I just take a moment to mention that it is magnificently stormy outside. The storm is a reflection of my heart, moments of eruptive thunder and pouring rain and then stillness for a moment. I am still between disbelief and realization. Yesterday was long. I went to church because I knew that Adam would have encouraged me to, he was also an ordained minister. I came home after lunch and fell asleep waking up still exhausted and eyes still tired and worn out. Tears come and go as they please.

Our Loss, Adam's Gain

I'm sure you have heard people say in the past "God's got another angel up there" or "It's our loss but Christ's gain" both are things I have heard in the past when going through bereavement. But, this time I am choosing to see it as Adam's gain. Yes, I still believe that it is Christ's gain but I also want to take the time to recognize that Adam gained a whole heck of a lot when we left this earth. I am in no way belittling the gain of Christ I just also want to recognize the significance of what Adam himself has gained. It's easy to say they are in a better place and not think in depth about what that means. It needs to be talked about, we should be discussing it, especially when it hurts. So I did some research on death this morning and came across this relevant magazine article from 2008 that talks about death being the servant of God. I was like, huh, interesting perspective and you know what...I agree. God sent Christ to this world to conquer death and by conquering death as He did, death became a servant.

It's a bit of a read but honestly I don't think I could cut anything out so stick with me for a moment and read the below quoted pieces from Relevant Magazine, see if it doesn't strike a heartstring with you as it did with me:

"Death divorced from God becomes a power unto itself and becomes master of humanity rather than servant. Only through the re-mastery of death can death cease to be an enemy and return to its place as servant of God and humanity. Death is what Christ came to reconquer and is the means by which He conquered. Death became servant to Christ so that it might once again become servant to humanity. It served the true human so that it might serve all humans."

"Death is the gateway to life. Death is the boatman who ferries us from this life to more life. Death is the servant now. For one must lose his life to save it. We are baptized into death so that we might rise with Christ. We are joined to Christ’s death so that through death we might be joined to Christ’s resurrection and new life (Romans 6:4-5)."

"New life is not found through any other means than death. Resurrection implies death and it is resurrection that we seek. New life in Christ is not merely the prolonging of this life but it is a completely new life unlike this one. New life requires death. Death is the gift, the means, through which we are granted new, resurrected life with Christ."

"Lordless death is the great enemy, not death itself. Christ, who submitted to God, submitted to death and in doing so received life and death’s allegiance. Christ cannot die again because death has no mastery over him (Romans 6:9). Death returns to its proper function as servant of God and is rightly ordered humanity’s servant as well. Natural immortality is horrendous and hopeless. Death gives us hope for new life. Death, when with God, is hope. It is hope of resurrected life. It is the gift of God to humanity, abused by humanity during the Fall, then given back at the Cross. Paul continues to warn that sin and corruption lead to death (Romans 6:23;8:6) but to lordless death, not Christ’s death, which brings eternal life in Christ."

"J.R.R. Tolkien illustrates death as gift and the corruption it underwent better than I ever could in his epic The Silmarillion:

The sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world; wherefore they are called the Guests, or the Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Iluvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy. But Melkor has cast his shadow upon it, and confounded it with darkness, and brought forth evil out of good, and fear out of hope." 

"Charles Williams, a personal friend of Tolkien, once wrote “The definition of the Fall is that man determined to know good as evil.” One example of this is to be seen in humanity’s view of death. A good was seen as an evil. A gift was seen as a curse. A servant was seen as an enemy and became just that. Christ laid down his own life freely to death and in doing so mastered death. In his mastering of death he gave death to us once again to be our servant. Christ says, “He who believes in me will live even though he dies,” (John 11:25). Christ goes onto say “whoever lives and believes in me will never die,” (John 11:26). I believe Christ speaks of the life that only comes from death. As Christ cannot die again, neither can those who are united with Christ’s death. Death is not the end of life but the means to it, for Christ says, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it,” (Luke 17:33). To defeat death one must die. To be born again one must die. To live one must die. Therefore, die before you die. There is no chance after."

So there you have it my friends. I myself want to remember to see death as a servant of Christ. I made the choice to die to myself a long time ago but it's not just a one time decision that I can make and not continually work on. Dying to oneself is a lifelong commitment and it's hard! I believe that is what Adam did in his time here on earth. He died to himself and accepted Christ's defeat of death so that when death came to him he would gain life. Death is a daily walk, not just a one time occurrence. Death is servitude. Death is choosing life. Death is not the enemy. 

On a lighter note: The 5 Stages of Grief as told by Giraffe from Robot Chicken:
WARNING: Bleeped Out Offensive Language Content Viewer Discretion is Advised Not Suitable for Children 

One Week From Today!! Check out the Heart for Hearts Blog!!

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com/2014/05/o-n-e-w-e-e-k.html 

The Heart for Hearts Blog Is Back Up & Running!

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com - Check it out! The Heart for Hearts blog is back up and running...... not that it was ever down it's just that since we are 20 days out from the trip I am starting to write about everything Guatemala on that blog! Be sure to sign up for an e-mail alert if you want! I will be posting vlogs while on my trip! Until then I will just be giving written updates on what's happenin!

Yayy!!! 20 days!!!

I Breathe You In

I Breathe You In, God - Katie Torwalt

I heard this song for the first time today as I was reading and had to stop to take note of what song it was. When I left Virginia in August I knew I was going home for several practical reasons but not fully understanding what the future months would hold. So of course I get home and start looking for a job. If you've been following along with this blog or if I have talked with you in person about the past 6 almost 7 months, you know that I have been learning little by little the true reasons for my being home during these past months. Of course I am looking for a job, but I am also growing in my relationships with my family members. I am trying to form healthy habits like spending every morning with the Lord. I am conquering personal hurdles and hinderances to my own growth as a woman. (that's actually really weird for me to write because a lot of times I still feel like I don't fit the womanly high heels yet...figuratively speaking of course). 

So although I am continually seeing the meaning and purpose behind these months I am still left with not understanding. It's one of those times where you have to leave the season you are in and step into a new one to fully look back and see what in the world was going on. I love looking back on the things I learned and how I grew and what the Lord has done during a certain season of my life, but it's always hard to see where things are going till you get there. Yay faith!! 

I'm pretty content with knowing that I don't know, that I don't have any understanding of what will come next, but even in saying that, I am doing my best to seek Him and His plans and to know His will. I could try to guess what's coming but God will probably surprise me. He has already surprised me with so many beautiful things: reuniting me with old friends, becoming friends with my sister, growing closer with my momma, being able to spend quality time with my dad, being a bridesmaid in two of my best friend's weddings, planning a very dear Virginia friends wedding and spending time with many of my dearest friends out in the 757, a random trip to Florida for spring break, growing my relationships with friends who are off an married (this is a HUGE thing!! most girl-friends disappear after they get married - you know I'm right) haha. Anyway, lots of things! Beautiful things! Unknown things that came to be. 

Just a little word vomit for you concerning a song that grabbed my attention today. I have pictures and words coming soon from my random last minute trip out to Florida!!! Check in later!!

Re-potting Plants

If you've never planted seeds in a pot before the process usually starts with a small plant pot. I love the itty bitty ones you can get from the home improvement store they're precious and make me wanna say girly things like "awwweee it's so leetle! it's a baaaybeeee!" Haha. So when planting you sometimes start with a small pot and then the little plant is watered and given the sun that it needs to grow and eventually it graduates! You get it a bigger pot! The process continues until its graduated a couple times and then eventually you could plant it outdoors so that it has ample space to throw down its roots and take in the sun. People who garden know that it's no easy task to maintain healthy plants whether they be beds of flowers or vegetables. There's a lot of care that goes into maintaining the soil and making sure if it's been relatively dry in the forecast that the plants get the water they need. There are people who garden their whole lives to maintain the grounds of important estates; I'm thinking Downton Abbey style. How do you think they keep the outside of places like that looking beautiful?! Especially when you have plants that come from different parts of the world that aren't native to the environment they've been placed in.

So I've talked a lot about the whole gardening business probably more than I needed to but, hey, I was on a roll. What I'm really wanting to talk about here is something that has been on my mind for the past couple days and has been popping up over the past couple months. I'm kinda using the plant talk above as a metaphor so bear with me.

You have to give people room to grow. Simply said, not as easily done. I know in my own experience when I have been stunted by friends or family who aren't giving me room to grow or allowing me the chance to grow. Not only have I experienced this I have observed it happening around me lately and in some ways I have heard it referenced to in church. We as humans will continue to grow and be molded and change until the day we die. Physically there's not much we can do to stop another person from growing old, but when it comes to growing emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, and spiritually, these are all things that can be affected in one person by the influence of another person, a lot of these things being metaphysical. I'm seeing a lot of hurt caused by people's inability to let another person grow. It's like re-potting plants. Here's this little sprout which has the capacity to become something big and beautiful but if the potter doesn't lend a hand in re-potting the plant and giving it new soil then it will not thrive. So here we are as humans coming in constant contact with other humans. We have the ability to help a person to thrive in their growth as an individual or we can choose to only see them as they are or once were and expect them to stay that way. It hurts me to see people shut down by other people because they can't see past their own narrow mindedness. Are we not to push each other towards Christ? Are we not to encourage one another in brotherly & sisterly love? I know that there are some beautiful influential people in my life who constantly encouraged me to push on and push forward and even when I still had mud in my eyes they saw past my current state or they saw the depths of my heart, the desire to change, the desire to grow, the desire to do good. Even if I couldn't see it they saw it in me and encouraged me to see past my own stumbling blocks. It's beautiful really. They spoke truth. They spoke life. Words carry so much more weight than we tend to realize.

But really what I'm trying to get at here is this: If you preemptively decide that your husband, your wife, your sister, your brother, your friend, or your coworker or anyone you know is going to do the same things they have always done wrong then you're part of the problem. (ooh that was harsh but I'm not saying this to single anyone out I'm also having some personal realizations as well.) I'm talking these things could be effecting you directly or indirectly. They could be seen as mistakes or bad choices or whatever. I'm gonna bring it back home to a personal level just because it's the best real life experience I can think of to share rather than making a scenario up. So my little sister and I were never close. Like she had a chip on her shoulder and I had one on mine. We've talked about this on countless occasions so I know that it's ok to share this because it's a testament to how beautiful our relationship is now. So my sister and I are opposites. I'm an extrovert, she's an introvert, I'm enjoy performing arts, she enjoys visual art, I like sports, she'd rather read a novel, so on and so forth. To keep things short I will say this, I came home with an open mind and open heart, and she received me as her sister with an open mind and open heart. Here we were back in August with room to grow. We potted our relationship in a bigger pot together allowing each other the room to flourish. I think sometimes what holds us back from letting another person grow is bitterness or sometimes it's just simply deciding that you know that person and how they are or how they were and who they will be. Shallow thinking. God has given us incredible potential and He delights in our growth whether that growth happens in an instant or takes a handful of times to learn and grow or hey, it may take years. Sometimes it takes people half their lives to learn and grow in certain areas of their lives. It could take 21 years like it took my sister and I. If I went into each encounter with my sister expecting her to be the same person day to day I wouldn't be helping her because I would continue to treat her as the same person. But my baby sister is growing up every day, she's right on my tail and I have the amazing privilege to be there for her, encouraging her to reach for the potential I know the Lord has for her life. I'm not saying that it's all sunshine and daisies constantly, we still have our moments where we expect an action or reaction a certain way because that's what we have known for so long and have been so wrapped up in it that we are still personally breaking those habits. But, I know she has the potential to grow and change just as she knows I have the potential to grow and change.

It helps no one to bitterly comment about how that person will always make the same mistakes or hurt you in the same way or choose badly every time. But, it does help to encourage and help the other person transfer their potted plant into a bigger pot. Eventually the ideal is to plant those potted plants into the ground so that there is infinite possibility and potential for growth. That's what I hope to give my husband someday. I hope to help him grow and in return I hope and pray he does the same. Never giving limitations because our God is phenomenal and He can change a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

So I guess this is another thing I'm learning about relationships recently. I would hate to have a limit or brand put on me that stunts my growth so I don't want to do the same to another person. I don't want to be too quick to assess where a person is spiritually or emotionally or mentally because only God knows the depths to that person and judgement is not my job. So friends I guess those are some of my thoughts on this. I'm terribly sorry it was such a long post! So much to write about! But if you stuck through it, if you have experienced this yourself I'd love to hear from you.

http://www.allamericanflorist.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/repot-plants.jpg

#realtalk

I'm about to get passionate people! So this morning I'm having breakfast with my momma at Cracker Barrel and I get a fb message from a friend I haven't talked with in two years. A friend that I went to high school and church with for the two years I lived in Florida. Guys! You never know who is watching what you post on Facebook! You never know who might be a link or connection to amazing possibilities!!! Okay. So I've gotten a couple messages like hers in the past; great friends who are looking out for their friends by relaying information on a possible job opportunity and such. Remember I have not had an actual conversation with this friend in two years...I know...facebook told me with the last time stamp from 2012. So she mentions I should check out this organization she heard of that uses film and photography to help organizations raise public awareness and calls the public to action on social injustice issues!!! So I'm like... um sheeeyeahhh!!! I get home after breakfast and go to their site and I'm like 'Oooo' & 'Ahhhh' & 'Eeee!' Anyway I came across one of their promotional films for their organization and watching it and I break down in tears and started shaking. Like seriously was so incredibly moved because I saw the dreams and passions God has laid on my heart...there...on the screen, better said than I think I could have said myself. On the serious, I think when people ask me what I wanna do when I grow up I'm going to show them this promotional. I immediately ran downstairs to my mom to show her the short promo and started crying again!! Anyway I've made an inquiry about jobs and such through an email. Honestly praying that the Lords will be done with this new found information I have. Who knows He could have just had me come across the organization to help me realize that my dream is possible. Not that I thought it was impossible but just as a, I don't know, like a 'hey trust me it's out there! there are people wanting to do exactly what you want to do. I would't send you out to do it all alone.' #realtalk #God. So I'm trusting that there is purpose behind my friend sending me that message and purpose in my emailing them. Who knows what that purpose is. But as I pray for the Lords will I am also praying that I may be able to join this team of passionate artists and advocates! It's an exciting and bumpy road I've been on and I'm ever so thankful for it.


On a completely other note: People!!! Are you out there? I'd love to read some comments every now and then. I try to be active in making sure friends of mine who have blogs know that I am reading their material that I value their thoughts and things. Doesn't mean that I expect everyone who reads any of this to comment every time haha but I would love to hear that you're out there if you would like to even just say "wazzup." So friend, if you're out there I'd love to hear that my words aren't just floating in space and if they do, then so be it, I'm glad to be writing because that's often how I learn and track growth and process.

I leave you with a question: What pulls on your heartstrings?

Whole Magazine : When the Plot Twists

Today's encouragement comes from yet another Whole Magazine Post by Emilee Lowe. These particular posts just hit home right now. To read the post you can read below or click on the link right below this paragraph. 

Whole Magazine : When the Plot Twists: My family relocated five months ago to our dream location, a coastal town with the best church in the universe and the prettiest shells ...

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When the Plot Twists

"My family relocated five months ago to our dream location, a coastal town with the best church in the universe and the prettiest shells and sea you could hope for…or at least that’s the way we see it. But our circumstances are so far out of our control and less than ideal that it has tested us more than I ever expected.

My husband had this longing to be by the ocean, not unlike most of us, but his longing seemed to come from a calling set on his heart from God. Packing up and moving wasn’t as simple as doing just that, we had a house to sell, I had recently opened up a business of my own, our daughter was just over a year old and nearly all of both of our families had settled into the city we were in. The roller coaster of decision was so hard on its own, and even though the calling seemed clear, the timing and details were so uncertain. Everyone around us thought we were crazy, and to be honest I was pretty sure they were right.

About six months after we made the decision to move, when the opportunity presented itself, my husband received a job offer that opened the door. However, they needed him immediately, so we packed up everything and moved in just less than three weeks’ time. At the time, I was certain that I was going to be admitted into an institution, but by the Grace of God we made it to our new residence.

Three days later, the job didn’t work out. The next job he got didn’t work out. And then he was unemployed for two months. I was angry. I was so bitter that the bottom had fallen out of our dream plan. OUR PLAN. I found my heart was so heavily burdened with resentment and the closest and easiest person to blame was my husband. I convinced myself that these decisions and choices that had landed us in this predicament were all made by him and I was just going along with them out of submission. I didn’t vocalize these things at first, and by the time I did it had festered into an ultimatum in my heart. ‘Either he fixes this, or I’m out.’ That’s what I thought.

I can’t believe I’ve actually just typed that out and admitted it to anyone. But it is the truth.

By the time I talked to my husband about these issues, there wasn’t much love or grace left in my approach. The hardness of my heart came at him like a brick. And as you can imagine, he was already feeling like he had let our family down. My accusations and ultimatums did nothing to build him up, and only tore him down further weighing heavily on the threads that were holding our marriage together.

BUT GOD. There is no explanation I can give for the change in my heart other than those two words.

We were living smack dab in the middle of the consequences of our decisions. For so many years, we had chosen to act now and think later when it came to major choices and changes. We ran and jumped and jived as long as we could but when we landed here in our “dream location” God showed us that there was nowhere left to run. And despite it all, we were exactly where we were supposed to be. He has orchestrated event after event that have given us confirmation time and time again that we are right where he wants us.

My husband ended up with a job that he loves, and though we are still struggling in major ways, I know that this has strengthened our relationship with each other and more importantly with The Lord. Our daughter is happier than I have ever seen her. We are more stressed than I think we have ever been, yet I have a supernatural peace that I simply cannot put into words.

Stressing, worrying, freaking out and trying so hard to control things serves no purpose other than distracting attention from the Glory of God. No matter the situation, no matter how desperate and impossible it seems, He will always make a way for His Will to be done. I know that in the midst of this major storm we’re living in, He hasn’t left us and hasn’t forgotten about us. He has a plan. It’s obviously very intricate and complex, but that’s nothing for Him!

“God also allows suffering so that we might learn what it means to depend on Him, not on our own strength and resources.” - Charles Swindoll

“What God Originates, He Orchestrates. How is never a problem with God.” - Andy Stanley

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed”" (Lowe, When the Plot Twists, Whole Magazine).

About the Author :

Emilee Lowe is a Christ following wife and mother who lives in Wilmington, North Carolina. She is a former hair stylist who is committed to being used by God in whatever way He sees fit. 

Lowe, Emilie. "When the Plot Twists | Whole Magazine." When the Plot Twists | Whole Magazine. N.p., 19 Feb. 2014. Web. 20 Feb. 2014. <http://www.wholemagazine.org/2014/02/when-plot-twists.html>.

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters

I'VE MADE A DECISION! So I have decided to post not only my own writings but also writings of others. As you know if you have been following me over the past months I have become a reader! I mean, I'm not reading 3 books a week but I am reading chapters a week in a couple different books which is a big thing for me and I am loving it! I am also reading a lot of articles and some of those I come across touch my heart with such depth I just have to share! So this is the first article I would like to share from my devos today. Funny thing is when I was writing yesterday I had Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) on repeat. I then saw a post on Facebook a video of the same song recorded in studio and then today there's a devotion article on it?!?!?! Coincidence? I think not.


Please enjoy! Be encouraged! I know I was :]

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO READ THE ARTICLE:

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters: This weekend, I took a trip with three close friends to a little place called Cannon Beach on the Oregon coast. One of the places where ...

All Wrapped Up

It's been almost a month since my last post! Oops! I'm about to get a bit heavy with this post so please pardon me but I will be saving some of my tales of my latest wonderful adventures for another post to come.

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Today is one of those days where I'm all wrapped up. It can be so easy to get all wrapped up in one area of your life where you fall short. Now I'm not saying that in all of my life I only have one area where I fall short, Lord knows I have plenty! What I am saying is that one short-coming can pick apart my heart. In my past I have let the short-comings and personal failures ravage my whole being. 

Worthless. Broken. Weak. Unworthy. Stupid. Lousy. Undisciplined. Unwise. Stuck. Lost. Selfish.

Disappointment in myself takes hold and begins to strangle. In my past I have given these short-comings the power to do some significant damage. An example of this from my past would be that I had given my short-comings so much control, so much power, that I had to leave work on a five minute break to have a panic attack. If you've not had the delight of experiencing a panic attack [sarcasm] the world goes blurry, you're straining to breathe, unable to stand, and sometimes you black-out. It's a very real wake up call to realizing that struggle has an unhealthy grasp on your life. All of life's current struggles have built up anxiety that basically runs your life. I have come a long way since those days but they still remain very real to me today and I'm thankful for that. If you will notice I mentioned that I had a "very real wake up call to realizing that struggle [had] an unhealthy grasp on [my] life..." that's because I believe in a healthy struggle, not just an unhealthy one. 

You Are Good When There's Nothing Good In Me

Each day, each week, each month, each year has it's challenges and with those challenges comes the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Here at the cross roads of success or failure. Will I overcome or be wiped out? Throughout this life I am guaranteed to disappoint others and myself with my own shortcomings because of the sin in my life. I've become more sensitive to the disappointment in self which has in turn led me to learn some hard but valuable lessons. Her I may be, wallowing in disappointment, shame even, for falling short of the life that God has called me to live. Barren and broken from bitterness, hate, idolatry, greed, and an unruly tongue. Wrapped up in one all-consuming struggle that it begins to break me down at my weakest points. Been hearing the phrase #thestruggleisreal lately? It's a very appropriate saying all around I think, although it is mostly used in a joking manner.  Really wanting to eat the whole pie...#thestruggleisreal ~ Homework out the wazoo...#thestruggleisreal ~ Disney or Universal?...#decisions #thestruggleisreal ~  To be or not to be...#thestruggleisreal ~ That Disney/Universal tweet is for my Florida followers you know who you are. ;] But on the serious, the struggle is real and the consequences are just the same. So knowing that I am guaranteed to fail at times, here I am with failure written all over me, yet a healthy sense of failure. I may be broken, I may have bruised my heels, I may have worn and torn my heart and mind but I am fighting. I have made a decision in the midst of s stormy day to conquer. The Lord has given me the freedom of choice, to choose to wallow in self pity or take up my cross and follow Him. This cross that bears my sin and shame I am choosing to surrender. I can't do it alone. Wallowing helps none. I recognize my struggle. I see my weakness. I take what could be an unhealthy encounter with short-comings and see the glory and grace that comes from it. Where I am weak He is strong. Where I struggle He stands firm. I won't conquer every challenge. It's not easy. I'm thankful to have seen the ocean like depths of God's grace for me, although to have experienced his deepest grace for me I was caught up in a current of hopelessness and depression. Waves of these deepest waters will cross my path at times reminding me of what those hopeless days felt like and reminding me of the decision I chose, when all felt lost, to fight. To take hold of the promises God has written in His word for His people. To let God reconstruct what I had broken. To redeem my self-worth. And to ultimately allow Him to show me how much I needed Him and how beautiful a life could be with restored hope and faith. So as today was a day where I found myself beginning to be consumed and all wrapped up in my failures I turned my focus to thankfulness. I am thankful to have the grace of a lifetime. I am thankful to have second chances, and third chances, and so on. I am thankful to have forgiveness and a God who is love. I am taking these struggles and out of them building strength. I am thankful for the realization that I don't have to face the future alone. I am humbled and indebted. I am sweetly broken. I am not letting myself get all wrapped up in the struggle but letting the struggle make me want to wrap myself up in His arms. Making the best of what could be an unhealthy situation and bringing truth to light.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Also, Definitely took me almost 4 hours to write this post. 

In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

I think I may have said this in my last post but I have come to the realization that this season is a season in which my heart is being ministered to. Heart Ministry. I like that saying. It's amazing to me to think back about 5 years ago and see what all has occurred in my life over the span of 5 years. Not only graduating high school and college and joining the real world on a hunt for a job but also the conditions my heart and spirit have been in over the years. I kinda want to laugh out loud right now but I am sitting in a Starbucks with people all around me and I may get some funny looks.

Now it's time for real moments with Gabrielle, the part of the blog where Gabrielle comes out and shares a real moment:

Now this real moment kinda ties into what I wrote in my last blog post. For any who haven't read the last one... #1. um why haven't you? #2. I mainly talked about the challenge I have accepted to accept that I am created the way I am for a reason. I have a double major for a reason. I am living at home with my parents for a reason. God has purpose and I shouldn't be discouraged when I see others working and fulfilling their dreams. Their dreams may not always be my dreams and their talents are not always the same as my own. I am unique. You are unique and we all have different purposes and plans. How wonderful to think that God has a specific and unique plan for everyone! No one is the same. What's not to love about that!? Your plan and my plan are exclusive to us individually. SO yeah. That's basically what I talked about and expanded on my struggle with that in the past years. Soooo... I'm reading this other book. Not the book I quoted in my last post. I am reading two books and the book I picked up to read today I haven't read since I left for one of my best friends weddings in FL. Todays chapter (I'm pleased to say I am on chapter 7! That's quite an accomplishment for me!) is entitled "Green with Envy." God's got something to say to me and I'm listening. (Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel)

Our Friend So-crates says this: "Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the beginner of secret sedition and the perpetual tormentor of virtue. Envy is the filthy slime of the soul; a venom, a poison, or quicksilver which consumeth the flesh and drieth up the marrow of the bones." 

Basically:

Envy = Daughter of Pride

Envy = Author of Murder

Envy = Author of Revenge

Envy = Tormentor of Virtue

Envy = Slime of Soul

Envy = Venom

Envy = Poison

Envy = Consumes

Envy = Dries Up Bones (like cancer)

Envy... yeah. Not a cool thing. Yet we all struggle with it. I shared how I struggled with my discontent in who I was, what I know, and where I am in life. What's the opposite of Envy? Give you one guess........... Thankfulness. Hey! Guess what!? It's November!!! Isn't thanksgiving next week or something? Yeah. Secret (last week I though it was this week). 

We should be thankful of what we have whether it is material or immaterial. "When we see God's goodness in the lives of others, we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel resentful." -Soul Detox 

Real moment with Gabrielle. I felt a little hurt and resentful when my internship fell through back in January. Long story short... I got an internship that would turn into a job by May. I was going to be associate producing a new documentary with an amazing team. After the first week of my internship went by I was informed that the documentary was no longer and my "boss" was getting married instead. I rejoiced with her and had peace about it until later on when I came to the end of my internship and all I had done was collect 90 pages of research and turned it in to complete a credit. I felt like I missed out on learning a lot and developing more of my craft. Then come to find out that my "boss" joined another team across the country, didn't get married and is successful and traveling and living the dream. I dealt with some hurt which turned into resentfulness and a little bit of envy. I didn't understand why it happened. Why I didn't start traveling the world and raising awareness for the causes I care about and the people I care about even more. I didn't understand why I had to go home. I didn't understand why I am where I am in life. Seriously. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Today I read a status update from my friend and former internship "boss" and it talked about how excited she is to be traveling and making a documentary on slavery. I thought to myself before reading it that I probably shouldn't read it because then I would become upset but I read it anyway and you know what... I'm not upset. I'm excited for her. I'm excited to see what comes of what she is doing. We are working for the same cause... well... she's working right now and someday I will be too! I have done little things here and there for advocating against social injustice and now's a time to learn some new stuff. Now is a time that my heart is being ministered to. Now is a time that I am realizing where my heart needs some work. To be thankful for all things. To be thankful in all times. To be expectant of Glory to come. Today is one of the first days where I haven't been sick to my stomach when I start to think about my future and the present. 

"If the grass is greener in someone else's yard, maybe it's time you watered your own. How long has it been since you've taken stock of what God's given you and said "Father, thank you"?" - Soul Detox

"When we look at other people comparatively and competitively, we're not seeing them as our brothers and sisters. We're not loving them more than we love ourselves, and we're definitely not seeing them as God sees them." - Soul Detox

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Soul Detox

Another challenge to process and act on. Let me be clear about the above real moment I shared... I don't sit around and pout or think about how I loathe being where I am right now or resent what other people are doing but when I am feeling discouraged it's where the enemy attacks. I am closing the door on those open targets and God is making my heart a bit more peaceful which does wonders for my anxiety levels - go figure! haha 

That's it for now! God Speed Friends!