What Orphans Taught Me About Love

👉🏼 Side Story: the boy in the photo is named Angel. The last day we were at the orphanage he sought me out to give me a hand written letter saying how thankful he was that I came and how much he loved me. I cried. A lot. I hope that one day I may get to see Angel again.

3 Years ago I made a trip to Mixco, Guatemala that significantly impacted my life. I made the trip to help serve at an orphanage (Miguel Miguel Magone Guatemala) in the only ways I knew how. I combed out the hair of baby dolls, I played, I photographed and filmed, and I loved.

Work Play Love is an incredible non-profit that helps to support this orphanage and I could not be more thankful to have had the opportunity to serve with them.

Below you can read the testimonial I wrote a few years back.

If you or someone you know is interested in loving on some children and amazing staff members please consider joining or sharing this organization.

"Learning About Love in Guatemala" - Work. Play. Love.

To Be Seen

"I've forgotten how to be photographed," I said. "...I think you've forgotten how to be seen..." she replied.

Feature: Shine On Inc. // Finding Rhythm: Thoughts On Well-Being and Creativity

So I met this amazing couple a few weeks ago, "The Bergamot," as they are known. They just so happened to play a show at my house for my birthday celebration...but that's a story for another time. Well, the amazingly talented Jillian Speece and I connected that weekend as kindred spirits. Jillian is incredibly talented and skilled in her music as well as in her writing. I follow a couple blogs of hers and one in particular called Shine On Inc. // The Art of Living Brightly. Last week Jillian wrote a post on well-being and creativity that motivated me to ask her if I could share her post on my own blog. The topics of being well and being creative are probably two of the most discussed topics by myself and most of the people I know around me. But, they aren't as often discussed in conjunction. This combined topic has been one that I have discussed with several friends recently and one that I have also spent time processing through on my own.

The assumed lifestyle for creatives is usually one that involves a lot of sacrifice. I spent a good 6 years sacrificing sleep, nutrition, exercise, and my social life. Not all together, and not all at once, but there was a definite give and take depending on the season. By the end of the long journey towards two degrees in the arts in 4 years I was burnt. I took an unintended year of recovery. Without realizing it I chose solitude. I needed to withdraw from being creative so that I could find myself again and rebuild some of those foundations that I had neglected. I learned a lot during that year and part of that was focusing on my own well-being and then dabbling in a bit of creativity here and there. I'm an artist of course. I need an outlet. In any case, Jillian's post inspired by Tom Rath's book Eat Move Sleep: How Small Choices Lead to Big Changes, directly addresses the challenges that we face as artists with living healthy lifestyles and just how important it is to rise to the challenge of living well. It's a lifestyle. It's a choice. It's a challenge. Altogether, I'm convinced that it's worth it.

Click below to read Jillian's post!

Finding Rhythm: Thoughts On Well-Being and Creativity

The Follow Through (Also Known As: The Longest Post Known To Man)

Oof. What a post title, yeah? This post is brought to you by the ever growing me, and my phone conversation I had with a one Miss Sarah Grice earlier this afternoon.

So I am out on the road again, and whereas, I thought this trip was going to be one that would be difficult to make, mainly because there's so much going on back home and planning a week of travel amongst it all seemed insane! I am actually not ready to come home. I left early Tuesday morning and have plans to return home Saturday evening...which is tomorrow. There is so much goodness that has come from this trip I am not sure I am prepared to go home and face the challenges that are set before me. This isn't because I feel that I am incapable of facing them or I fear that I will not succeed, it's just that there is so much that the Lord is doing in me and through me out here that I want to glean everything I can from the Father. I'm about to get real honest here so bear with me.

I hit my final breaking point Monday night. I think I cried harder than I have in an entire year. What's ironic is that a year ago around this very time I hit a very similar breaking point. I mourned, and processed, and gave myself a limit of one night. The next morning I arose to take on the journey ahead claiming freedom over my heart and persevering through the storm. A year ago a relationship that was so unhealthy for me finally broke. My heart wept unceasingly for several hours. The funny thing is that I was never in a romantic relationship with this best friend of mine, yet, I felt the deepest pain as a part of myself died that night. We must die to self in order to fully live. So in reality I didn't lose any part of me, I only lost the part of myself that wasn't meant to be there. Does that make sense? I am separating 'self' from 'me' because 'self' is selfish and 'me' is everything that I am at the very root of my being, it's how I was born. Anyway, that's a whole post in itself. Moving forward...

Here I am almost exactly a year later experiencing similar mourning. I cannot believe that an entire year has flown by. I have this wonderful guy friend that popped up out of the blue and our relationship just grew. I won't press much into detail out of respect for him and myself but as you can imagine we became rather fond of each other over the course of a year. Well, we ended up back in the same city and that's when things started to weigh on me. A month went by before I decided that my heart needed clarification on our future. He was incredibly honoring and respectful. I questioned whether I was deserving of that kind of treatment because all I had ever know was exactly opposite of that. It was wonderful and yet it softened my heart even more towards him. As it came to be, we didn't make plans to further our relationship that day. I had peace. I was, and still am, excited about what the Lord is doing in both of our lives--of course that doesn't make it easy. But, that's not what I want to talk about here. This is not some post to talk about why things happened the way they did, or what I had hoped for. The decisions that were made were wise and I respect them for both our counts.

Emotional investment is probably one of the deepest and most pure parts to my nature. Perhaps it's that "Davison gene" in my body that has me tied to another humans heart like a string on a kite. There's something that grabs hold of me as I interact with other people. My heart automatically takes on an advocacy role. I want to be 'for you' just as the Lord is. I want to stand by your side and lift you up. I want to help you carry the burden. I want you to know that you are seen. My heart is for you and sometimes that's the most beautiful thing we can offer to a friend; it's a part of our heart that shares in grief or joy or uncertainty, my heart breaks for what breaks yours. Because whatever it is...if it is important to you, it's important to me, because you are important to me. So here's where I get myself in some trouble. Emotional boundaries are not my forté. I'm learning this. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially with how I am learning it, but I am grateful.

I am an actress. I am an entertainer. I am a girl. All of these things contribute to one very emotional...sometimes over-emotional...23, going on 24, year old girl. I'm not one much with words in person, but I have more emotions than sometimes I know how to handle myself. With all this said, I have realized that although the decision was made to not invest in each other in a sense of furthering a romantic relationship I never separated my emotions from the relationship. Why would I need to? I ask myself. I'm perfectly fine with how things are going. We are still good friends...I'm only sharing the part of my heart that I would share if it were anyone. Wrong. It's quite a bit harder to come back from a relationship that was headed towards being a full on romantic relationship than it is if that line had never been crossed. There's a special part of my heart--and I have written on this before--that so desires to be selfless with someone, to advocate for someone, to push them towards their dreams. I had started to share that part of my heart, that part of me that I should have been more guarded with.

Perhaps, without meaning to, we often take from people we shouldn't be taking from without realizing it. Maybe we desire the affirmation and the encouragement. Perhaps, we don't know that we are taking what is not rightly ours...or...perhaps we do. Whatever the case may be, it's not only on the shoulders of the one doing the taking, but just as well it is on the shoulders of the one who isn't guarding against the taking. This could be within the scope of family relationships, friendly relationships, and romantic relationships. In my case as of current it's within a what could have been a romantic relationship. Emotional ties are hard to break and take probably the longest to heal. I've never before experienced emotionally what I have over the past months, and I don't mean the kind of emotions. I mean to say that I hadn't made the disconnect that I needed to in order to move forward and allow my heart to heal like it should. I left my emotions vulnerable and open for the taking and I willingly lent them and gave them away. That sounds so dramatic...but I mean...come on...we are taking about emotions here. I had not set my boundaries like I should. I found myself feeling defeated and didn't understand why I felt this way when everything was good, it was all right. I wasn't heading the caution that I should have. It's o.k. though. I don't regret giving what I have. I only now know what I should do in the future. I feel honored to have been a part of sharing in those parts of life with someone. I feel thankful to have been able to be selfless with someone and to care for someone as I have. I know that I can be, in that capacity, for someone, someday, and you know what? They will be too, and it will be beautiful.

I'm currently sitting in a local Blacksburg coffee shop that a friend recommended to me..(thanks Nathan!)...and I am thinking on the past few days on the road. No, not Jack Kerouac's version of On the Road but my own adventure as it is. I spent some time with a dear friend of mine watching planes land at a local Lynchburg regional airport over cups of starbies. I think we sat there for 4 hours. I have to mention that before this we had lunch at a mexican restaurant and I have come to the conclusion that if I am ever needing a confidence booster I should get mexican because those guys think they are so charming getting their flirt on with all the ladies...I'll take it. ;) Back to the airport!

We sat there for 4 hours and talked, and sang, and talked, and just enjoyed each other's company. My dear Jordan is soon leaving on a big jet plane for probably one of the biggest steps in her young adult life and I'm so very excited for her! So we talked a bit about that, and then she asked me about the dream that I have that is mine. Now I know when people ask me what I want to do in my life what my answer is and that answer is about partnering with people...but it's funny that she asked me about the dream that will be mine to pursue because I have thought about this here and there. I'm thinking and realizing that maybe the Lord will have me take a dream head on and lead on this one. That's kinda a scary thought. I think over the course of my years in college I thought more about joining with people in a movement rather than starting a wave myself. Now, this is about as far as I have come in my thoughts on this but I do want to start praying about this. I know that I won't be left without answers...and that's what scares me a bit. I am working on following through on what I know I should do, but struggle to. I'll procrastinate a bit...test the waters a bit...look it over a bit...hold on to what I already know a bit...when really I just need to do it. It's easy to say you will do something...the follow through is what counts. Ahhh. Now we get to the subject title! I am working on following through on putting up boundaries where they are needed within my relationships and pursuing the things I know I should, those foundational absolutes I talked about a couple posts ago. I had a conversation with my dear Sarah Grice today about following through on what we know we should do...but I am selfish and I just want to keep doing life the way I'm doing it becausssseee it's hurting me? No. Wait. What? That doesn't make sense; but does the heart ever? I'm definitely laughing to myself right now.

So I made this hike a couple days ago. Four miles out to McAfee Knob and four miles back to my car. I hiked this alone. Well over an hour out to the scenic overlook and over an hour back to my car. Probably not the smartest or safest thing to do but I am so glad I did it. It was difficult at parts. My heart raced. I glistened (that's a nice way for saying I was sweating). I jogged for stints and walked for others. In all this time I thought about a lot of things. It really did a number for my heart. Heartbreak needed to be worked out and I got my silent time with the Lord and nature. My friend Sara calls me a naturalist; that is the sense that I see God in nature and always meet Him there. I experience the Lord in the purest way I can, in the most tangible way I can, here on this earth. So I walked and talked with God and reached the top and the second I overlooked the scene before me my heart stopped. "Oh my, Lord." I exclaimed aloud. I stood in awe. I quickly asked a group of guys who were just leaving the top to snap a couple photos for me. Two minutes later they were gone and it was just me and creation. I was lightheaded, probably because of the elevation but also because I was overcome. I stood there, then I sat there, and audibly gave the Lord praise for His handiwork. I opened up my arms and I let go. I released so many things on that mountain top. I laughed and I cried. I sang and I shouted. I took in as much as I could as the sun began to do it's little dance heading down the western part of the hemisphere. I took the deepest of breaths and said goodbye to the moment promising to forever cherish it.

I got back to my car and for the first time in quite a while...I felt free. I carry this with me now and I pray I don't forget. Of course I guess I could always reflect back on this post as a reminder but I have committed to do my best at following through. Whether that is with placing boundaries where they need to be placed, praying about the things I should be praying about, or focusing on those foundational absolutes. I want to follow through. I want to be not one of just words, but also one of corresponding and echoing action.

Simply,

Gabrielle

**One other learn I gleaned from my trek the other day...as I was walking I could take a bit to look around but I really had to pay attention to my footing. A metaphor arose as I thought about how there were moments when I could look up and walk comfortably and moments when I continually had to look down for each step--which was most of the time--this is a part of the Appalachian trail in the Blue Ridge that we are talking about. But, I was reminded through thinking about this that sometimes God allows us to see a bit ahead, but then most times we have to only focus on the steps he has given us just before us or else we might lose our footing, and sprained ankles hurt!! I can testify I have had more than my fair share! So right now, and I think this goes for most of us in our 20's I can see the couple steps in front of me as they are given. If I dare look too far ahead or try to I may end up missing my step and each step is a crucial one.

Elysian

 

I am embarking on this journey of beauty and creativity. I am longing to be divinely inspired and to be overtaken by perfect peace. If anyone asked me after the new year what my new year resolution was I told them I had not made one. I do however have certain things that I am wanting to focus on, or meditate on, or act upon. One of the main things I talked about was my desire to remain inspired. Now, this inspiration could come from just about anywhere. I find inspiration in the conversations I have with people, in the sermons I listen to, in the books that I read, in the scriptures that I meditate on, in my dreams, and out amongst nature. This morning I want to write about how nature inspires me, we shall see if I can even begin to touch on this expansive subject.

I don't remember if I have already shared what I am about to share but if not, I must, because I am sure to reference to it in the future. In past, when I have become overwhelmed in my own thoughts or I have bottled up anxieties or if I have felt that I need a dose of inspiration I take to nature. There's a sort of raw inspiration that comes from being amongst the most natural things on this earth. As one of my professors expressed in my 2012 Theatre Capstone class: "Artist's long to get back to the Garden of Eden." This has stuck with me since then because back in 2012 was when I first started to realize how important it is for me to be out amongst nature. Thankfully Virginia is a perfect state to provide me with both the beach and the mountains and the pastures and the forests. There's something about getting back to where creativity first began.  The creation of creativity...inception? I mean think about it. I just got this image of man kind being created first before light and before the world. It's funny for me to think about Adam just kinda being without anything else. Anything else. No gravity. No air. No light. Nothing. Then I can see creation happening and ohhhh man how Adam would have probably flipped his lid. But, back to thinking on how things really first came to be...

The heavens were created and the earth. I'm thinking that it was probably a precious moment between the Lord and His creation in those first few days. I mean, think about it...the natural beauties around us worship Him...

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
    and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." - Psalm 19:1

"All the earth worships you
    and sings praises to you;
    they sing praises to your name.” Selah" - Psalm 66:4

"And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying,

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!"" - Revelation 5:13

"...⁴ Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth;
    break forth into joyous song and sing praises!
⁵ Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre,
    with the lyre and the sound of melody!
⁶ With trumpets and the sound of the horn
    make a joyful noise before the King, the Lord!

⁷ Let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
    the world and those who dwell in it!
⁸ Let the rivers clap their hands;
    let the hills sing for joy together..." - Psalm 98:4-8

All of this to say that the earth is precious and the closest tangible, most pure thing I can experience on this earth. There's a sort of heart-sigh that I experience amongst nature. Something that calms me, and inspires me. My spirit rests at the sight of a mountainscape. My eyes are captivated by the details I observe. My heart yearns for more. I had a little dose of this two days ago as I was driving through Blue Ridge Parkway. I only wished someone else was driving so that I could let my eyes wander the ridge-lines of the horizon. I am romanced. 

I can feel it in my deepest of self when I know I need an escape to nature. It's those moments when I need all the space around me to release what I have been holding in. It's those moments where I feel so uninspired that it begins to tear at my creative spirit. It's those moments when I just need a little dose of peace amongst the hectic schedule I keep. 

I was one of those kids that instead of playing on the playground I sat in the middle of the field and picked clovers. I would lay in my driveway and watch the clouds pass by...one time I lost my lion king balloon as I was laying in the driveway and was so distraught...as you can see by my still remembering...it was a traumatic experience for me. I was 5. haha. I was the kid who hung out in the tree-like bushes because I was so small I could sit for hours in their limbs. I observed everything around me down to the smallest detail. 

Remaining inspired is important to me because I live in a busy world with task lists, and schedules to keep, and rent to pay. My desire is to remain inspired so that my artistic spirit continues to live. 

xoxo, Gabrielle

 

 *next time: I think I will write a bit about my experience in Roanoke + about the creative arts group I attend on Friday nights!!! Oh How Exciting!

Not A Valentines Post

Well my friends it's February. I guess I've missed a month of blogging but that doesn't mean I can't start now! So here we go. At least two posts a month. That's my goal. Keep me accountable will ya? ;)

Here's a little dose of what has been on my mind lately. I'm doing some re-evaluating of my time and how I am spending it and where I am spending it and why. Something that I have been trying to be better at is being intentional with people. I'm not sure that I shared that here in my blog at any point in past months, so, if I haven't, basically I have been wanting to not only say I am going to do something but also follow through on those things. A lot of it comes down to my relationships. I don't want to just say that I would like to get coffee with you but I am going to say it and mean it. It can become hard when you walk into a local shop here in Virginia Beach so close to the university I not only attended, but also now work full time at ,because I am bound to see not only one person I know but probably a couple. So basically I am expanding my being intentional with people to also being intentional with my time. 

So what's that look like? Well, I have my absolutes that I am needing to focus on first and then build on those from there. Last semester I dove in head first to my job, small groups, church, and extra curriculars. Let's just say that it was a lot. Especially after spending most days by myself in Texas over the past year. That year went quick. 7 months of being back in Virginia Beach has gone quick. Life is speeding up I swear. So my absolutes are as follows: 

• Personal with the Lord - Daily Manna. Plain and simple. Not saying that time with the Lord is plain and simple. You get what I mean. :) It's an area that needs some work in my life since I moved back to Virginia. It was so easy being home, waking up at 930am and starting my day with the Lord. Now with a full time job and other responsibilities it's a bit harder and so I'm learning. Not failing. Learning, growing, and challenging myself in this new season. 

• Wednesday nights I go to a discipleship group called "Love Feast" - So this group is a group I attended last semester and that's how I met my mentee! (no not manatee) I really get to glean a lot from Sara who is a friend of mine who leads the group and her husband Mike (also a friend of mine) who is a part of my "family group." I feel like a mentor or someone to look up to within my family which is kind of neat. It also makes me more aware that I am being watched. I think it's a really good environment for me to be in. 

• Friday nights I meet with a group of artists called "The Gathering" - I just started attending recently but really they have only been meeting for a little over a month so I haven't missed out on much. Many of the members couldn't believe that I just started attending because they could have sworn I was around when it all started up. I feel at home with these creative and inspirational souls.

• I am a mentor to a 18 year old girl in undergrad who is the absolute sweetest. We meet sometime throughout every week depending on our schedules. I think I am doing just as much learning and growing as she is in our meetings together. The Lord continues to surprise me with the little nuggets of wisdom that come from my mouth. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear as well. I cannot tell you how much I love pouring out and into her life and being of encouragement to her. 

• Sunday's I have church - This is another area where I am looking at where I need to be. I have been attending the same church I went to as a student and for some reason in the past month I have felt like I need to start visiting elsewhere. We will see what comes of this in time.

•  Work Monday through Friday - Of course this is an absolute that takes up quite a bit of my life. 40+ hours of my week to be exact.

• Love & Scissors - If you know me well you know that I am a part of a non-profit called Love & Scissors which is an anti-human trafficking organization that I do administrative, marketing, and event planning work for. I just recently became committed as more than just a volunteer which is very exciting. Big things are coming and we are spending some time dreaming which is always exciting. 

 So with those being my absolutes I am accounting for all the rest of my time which is precious since it isn't much. The rest of my time is spent being intentional with people and taking time to myself. I am needing more introverted moments. More time to myself to write, read, create, and dream. Sweet moments where I come home, make dinner, cuddle up in bed and watch an episode of Parenthood...because I can. More moments of getting off work to make my way to Cafe Moka to drink tea and read or write or knit. Peaceful moments. So good for my spirit. So needed. 

All of this writing, perhaps too much, to say that I am re-evaluating how I spend my time. I want to spend it wisely and to spend it in a manner that has me coming away inspired, or refreshed, or at rest, or excited. You get the idea. 

I suppose that's it for now. Just a long list of things. Nothing to significant or ground breaking. Just a little bit of life. 

 

Here's me // Happy Valentines Day

If you expected there to be some sort of irony in regards to my title of this post...sorrynotsorry. hahaha 

A Beautiful Farewell

I feel as though my brain has been reeling with so many thoughts as this year is coming to it's close, and the next is only two hours away (1 hour for my friends on the east coast). A year ago today I was in Missouri packing up my bags in preparation to fly out New Years day to Virginia. I finished packing and spent the rest of the night watching the ball drop with a couple family members. Below is the photo that I posted on New Years day a year ago...a bit of foreshadowing you think? ;)

So I have decided to talk a little bit about the highlights of 2014 and some of the things that I learned as well as some things I am reflecting on. This may be a really honest post...but honestly what have I written in the past year that wasn't? 

Learned Lesson # 1 :: Be Honest With Myself

Oosh. So spending a year at home which would have been about 1/2 of 2014 definitely gave me the opportunity to reflect on life. I had a lot of time to be in the now because there wasn't a next step to look to. I'm realizing how beautiful that time was and how therapeutic it was to just be in the present, not planning too far ahead and taking life as it came, daily. It gave me ample opportunity to get to know myself a little better and to be really honest with myself. I mean, think about it, life gets busy, and if you all know me, I am filling every minute of every day with something. When life gets busy we tend to neglect ourselves. I guess I hadn't really noticed how much I need "me" time until I recognized its importance in my life. I did a lot of writing this past year, a lot more than I had in a very long time. I hope to do even more writing and reflecting in the coming year. I want to be honest with myself because that's how I learn and grow.

Lesson Learned # 2 :: I Am A Verbal Processor & I Need To Learn To Love It

Accept it. Love it. Well....at least I have one of those things locked down. :] Girls talk a lot...and then there's Gabe and others like her who tend to run the same topic into the ground or what I have otherwise come to call it, word-vomit. I exhaust myself with talking. It happens. It's a real thing. I'm not just someone to talk because I like to hear myself talk or to talk about non-sense. When I verbally process it most always is about something that important to me. Well if I think back on a post from last January I talked about how I had coffee and lunch in VA with a bajillion people and they all just about asked the same questions...so...I processed, and I learned A LOT. I went back to Texas with new thoughts in my head and new songs in my heart. & I quote from me a year ago: "The really cool thing is that when I was processing life with people I was learning and realizing the realities of what life has been like over the months and how I have grown as an individual." Well, past me, we are still on the same page there. Over the past year I have processed deserts and flowing streams, I have processed love and heart break, I have processed beginnings and endings, I have processed acceptance and letting go, and so so much more. I'm actually sitting here laughing to myself over the mixed memories that are flooding my mind right now. I'm still working on the loving the fact that I verbally process but accepting it is the first part and seeing what positives lie in the fact that it's a part of me. If you have lent an ear to me over the past year I am so thankful not only for someone to listen but for those who shared parts of my heart because those words. that's exactly what they are. 

        

 

 

To those who lent an ear

To those who heard my heart

To those who echoed back

I can't encompass enough words to say

 I'm thankful.

How ironic.

 

Lesson Learned # 3 :: Give Room For Growth

I learned quite a bit in this area. I realized how important it is in relationships to give room for the other person to grow. I have a whole blog post on the topic called Re-potting plants. People grow and change. I am not who I was yesterday and I don't plan to be the same tomorrow. I think not only did I learn about allowing others room to grow within my relationships now but a lot about how important it is for a healthy marriage. Along with giving others room to grow I also am learning to give myself room to grow. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to becoming stagnant or falling into falsehoods of who I have been in my past. Gotta make room for a new foundation. Gotta give way for new roots to take to fresh soil. 

Lesson Learned # 4 :: The Most Magical Adventures Arise When You Aren't Looking For Them

So a good friend of mine got engaged and was planning a wedding for January 4th 2014 (Happy Almost Anni Kack & Tay!) & I was invited to attend the wedding but also asked to be the weekend coordinator/director....so logically, off to Virginia I flew Jan 1st 2014. As you read above in my instagram post "Hopefully this is a foreshadowing of the rest of 2014." In this year I have flown to Virginia Beach for a wedding, drove to Oklahoma City for a wedding, worked and volunteered in Guatemala at a children's orphanage, drove to Tennessee for a much needed friendcation, flew to FL for family vacation, moved 1/2 way across the country to Virginia (again), traveled all over Maryland, Delaware, Virginia and New Jersey for my job and most recently got back from a trip to Iceland. Most all of these travels weren't planned far in advanced but the opportunities presented themselves and I chose to take advantage of them. It's kinda neat how each one of these adventures came to be. I would go in detail about them all but that would take quite a bit of time. This year has been full of travels and cultural experiences. I have loved life on the road and in the air. My thirst for exploring the world around me has turned into wanderlust. If 2014 held all of this I cannot wait to see what 2015 has in store. I'm realizing how important it is to experience this earth before I'm not here to see the majesties God has created. My heart longs to be outdoors amongst pathless forests, overgrown gardens and standing on the edge of mountaintops. So here's to dreaming and waiting to see what opportunities come my way.

Lesson Learned # 5 :: Desire Is Not Longing & It's Not Wrong

This is something I wrote about most recently called "Let's Do Life Together". There's something to be said about the differences between desire and longing. So if you haven't read that post from November it's all about doing life with someone. I feel as though "desire" is a more appropriate word to use when talking about having a significant other to experience and do life with than longing. Longing implies that one is discontent and wishing for something they do not possess. I would say that desire is an underlying feeling that doesn't always reflect feelings of discontent. If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, it's about 2am eastern time and I am just about wiped but pushing through to finish this! I have questioned myself and found that I am desire-full but not longing for someone to share life with. I went aboooout...I'd say 21 years of my life, not really thinking much about sharing life with someone. Then desire set in and I questioned myself. Am I discontent with where I am? Am I going to become a girl who consumed by longing to be dating someone and longing to just get married? Bleh! No! I actually love where I am right now. I love the added freedoms that come with being single and the things I get to do because I have those freedoms. But this doesn't mean that I don't desire to share day to day life with someone. I am not a dater. I don't date. I've been out on a couple coffee dates here and there, a couple lunch dates, and even a dinner date was proposed, to which I said "let's just stick to lunch." Dinner is a whole different ball game people. haha. I'm not a fan of dating. I am a fan of best friends and falling in love. I am a fan of getting to know someone through sharing life with them. I want to take a walk together, read together, explore together, just be. I want to share so many things that I love and that are important to me with someone. I want to share the important people in my life with that person. I want to share in their life, their hopes, their dreams and greet challenges with them. All of these things and more I believe I mention in that blog, so I won't take any longer to get descriptive here. Anywho, I have come to learn that just because I desire to do life with someone doesn't mean I'm longing for it and just because I desire to share life with someone doesn't make it wrong. I am still waking up and doing life every day. I am still embracing the freedoms that come with being single. I am taking in every moment this Christmas with my family realizing that one day they won't JUST be mine but that I will share them and while that will be the best ever, I only get my family to myself, just like this, right now. This Christmas will never repeat itself. I get to sit on my grandpas lap and share beds with my sister and just enjoy my family as it is now, right now. Who knows what next year will bring. I will say I am more excited and anxious than ever to share my family with someone. I am so thankful for my family and extended family. This New Year I'm taking it all in because time flies and I want to take it all in and have the chance to appreciate and take hold of every moment I can.

So many lessons were learned but there you have just a few. I got a bit length on that last one but I'm pretty passionate about them all. In closing, it's been an exciting and unforgettable year full of so many surprises and blessings. Farewell my dear 2014 and the beauties that you were, hello 2015 and the beauties that you'll bring!

 

xoxo, gabrielle

Woah... That Anxiety Though...

I kinda chuckle reading the title I just wrote for this post. I can't take too long to write but I need an outlet for some encouraging quotes of the day.

"Be quiet dear heart, breathe deep and long, soul, and find comfort in your God, who has gone before you in all things..."

"Tranquil stillness is the space in which our minds and bodies can finally reconnect with our spirits and give living water to our withered dreams."
-Whole Magazine (written by Sarah Dannemiller)

I may have had an anxiety attack at church last night...and by may...I mean I did. I laugh at it now I guess because I'd rather laugh than be serious about such a matter. Perhaps its how I am dealing with my stresses and anxieties lately. So the short story is that I was sitting there listening to a teaching on anxiety and stress, of course processing through my current stressors but my stresses as of recently have not manifested themselves in my typical way of experiencing stress. Rather, I have been quite calm. I realized that before I left Texas the way that I manage my stress has changed, and not because I made the conscious decision to change it, it just sort of happened. I don't feel stressed in the sense of being overwhelmed because generally I am excited about where I am and what I'm doing and what's coming. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that are weighing on me. I'm having to dig a little deeper to discover these things so that I can properly process them. I got an image the other day while in worship at my discipleship group called "Love Feast." Funny to me because I don't often get images like this and didn't understand it until I started writing it down. I then shared it with our group and Sara (our discipleship leader) asked for me to pray into it for us...which I have never done before. Anyway, this image was of a heart in the cavity of a chest covered in cobwebs. I can see it clearly in my mind even now. So first I was like...huh...weiiiird. I then decided I should write about it so I jotted down what I saw and meaning was revealed as I wrote.

This is what I wrote:

Cobweb heart- cobwebs...they're uncomfortable, basically invisible, and hard to get rid of but the Lord wants to help me wipe away the cobwebs that I may not be able o see or know are there to gain deeper access to my heart. Lord may I be sensitive to your spirit calling out the cobwebs over my heart and anxieties and fears and hardships and lies.

So I shared this and prayed into this for our group. Honest Gabe time... haha thank you Dan Jeter. All this anxiety and fear and all the lies began to surface during my trip to Tennessee this summer. I had a moment where I shared with my very dearest sister Brit that I felt people saw me as "this way" or "that way" or whatever it may be. She said, "Hon I think you are the one thinking those things about yourself, I don't think anyone thinks those things about you," and my friend Alex confirmed. I spent a very long 13 hour drive processing a lot and when I got home had a conversation with my girl Caron from Florida who put it bluntly because she had been struggling with the same thing. "Gabe, you aren't concerned about what others are thinking about you, these are things you are thinking about yourself and you are projecting those thoughts on other people." I think I may have shared this in a previous post in recent months...but there I was in a puddle of my own tears in my car...because she was right. I had been at war with myself struggling through my own self-defeat. Knowing that then I did spend some time with the Lord about it but I also had a lot of other things taking my attention so it kinda took the back burner.

Here I am now a couple months later and all around me the lessons and words are about anxiety. Leila (my friend and coworker) actually named the fat man that sits on my chest Roberto haha comedic relief. But, honestly, it really feels like I have a very heavy barbell laying on my chest that I don't have the arm strength to lift. When I got to Virginia I jumped right in, sink or swim. I haven't taken as much me time as I need and I'm realizing that I really need to take time to process because I haven't. I still have moments of realizing I live here and I have a big girl job and other major changes. It was a quick decision and quick following action to make the move and start a job two days after I got the offer. I haven't spent quiet time with God to process through everything I just jumped right in. So the good thing in all of this is that through it all I am realizing some important things. Thank God for realizations!

I completely uprooted myself when I left VB back in August of 2013. This is an opportunity to set new roots and lay a new foundation for my time back here for however long it may be. I'm not planning on going anywhere so it's important for me to be putting my roots in healthy soil. I have the knowledge to do so, so, come on Gabe get with it! haha

I need to work on my self-perception cuz it's not good. I think some old stuff has resurfaced as of recently that I have been freed from for years but they are coming back to taunt me as lies and I have been believing them. So there's that. I actually had a really good convo with an elder mentor from my church sunday morning at breakfast and we talked a bit about that. I'm so thankful for her. This is an area I will need to spend some time meditating on and praying about.

These are two major areas I need to work on and then there are all those others but it'd be a lot to talk about here.

Just some thoughts on where I am in life right now. It feels good to write again & now that I've hit the end of my lunch break I'm gonna get back to work. I start traveling October 1st! Say a little prayer for me as I hit the road! I'm super stoked.


Just some real moments, learning and growing with Gabe. Till next time...

   

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,