Dream A Little ... Dream A Lot

I'll just put it out there right off the bat – I think I've been given way too many dreams for this short little life I will live. I could give you an on-going list of dreams, but I don't think that is what this post is for.

My dream is to live. My dream is to cast visions without limitation. My dream is to take action. My dream is to do my best to live purposefully and not out of reaction. My dream is to find community everywhere I go. My dream is to know who I am. My dream is to know who God is. All of these things make up the dry mix of a beautiful cake with many layers and detail.

Photo Property of Oh Honey Bakes [@ohhoneybakes]

A new friend of mine recently asked me, "If you could ask any question other than the typical small talk questions...what would ask?" The answer I gave him was that of a question I have been asked many times over the past several years: "If you had no limitations...if money, time, and all of those details were of no consequence or worry...what would you do? What would be the dream?" A persons answer to this question can say a lot about them. This summer, I was stumped as this question was asked of me. Honestly...I had put dreaming aside in 2009. "What's practical? What does "the reality" of being an adult tell me is possible?" Stupid. We weren't created to settle. We weren't created to dream and then set those dreams on fire and cast the ashes out on seas of impossibility. Whether it's a simple dream, or an extravagant one, they all have worth, they all have purpose.

Dreaming doesn't end here in the early stages of life. I pray, dear Lord, that I dream until the day I die. I pray that in every new season a new dream emerges. So this week, I've added one to the lot. This is one of those dreams that I'm not so sure about. It's one that I'm not quite sure on how it fits into this timeline of mine. If I were to write down all of my dreams you would be sure to find themes and threads. Some of these would make sense to slap down on a storyboard, but then others seem a bit disjointed. Granted, these dreams are from many different seasons and walks of life. So of course the dream of 10 year old me may not exactly coincide with the later dream of 20 year old me. Dreams take shape. Dreams come and dreams go. Dreams give purpose and motivate us to make the most of the one life we've been given.

Photo Courtesy of Noah Shaffer [@that.barefoot.dude]

Seems that this age I am living is prime dreaming time. It's a time of exploration. It's a time of question. It's a time of seeking answers and making choices. It's a time when the world seems to be an open book. That is...this age can be ALL of that...if I...or if you, let it. So dream a little or dream a lot, but I encourage the latter. Don't become overwhelmed when you do and dreams continue to be birthed like bunnies in springtime.

& with that, I leave you with the following to chew on:

Perhaps the purpose of dreaming is not to run after every dream, but to condition our minds and our spirits to be active in dreaming. You'll know which ones to chase, and I hope you will.

Self Portrait Captured By Kelli Marie 

Dreaming the Dreamers Dream,

Gabrielle

R O O F T O P S

Long Lost Day In Back Bay

g e t   d o w n   i n   t h e    d i r t   +   s h o o t   s o m e t h i n g

a l l   t h o s e   l o c k s

t h e r e ' s   j u s t   s o m e t h i n g   i   l o v e   a b o u t   t h i s 

b e a r s   s u r f   t o o

t e l l   m e   a   s t o r y

a l l   t h o s e   f l a r e s

i f   y o u r   h e a d   w e r e   t h e   s u n . . .

. . . y o u r   l o c k s   w o u l d   b e   t h e   r a y s

a d v e n t u r e s   w i t h   t h e s e   g u y s

t e x t u r e

h e a d   s p a c e 

S i m p l y ,

G a b r i e l l e

Living Introverted When You're An Extrovert

So let's talk about how I spent the last 8 hours, almost 9, sitting at the bar of Cafe Moka... I came in alone and of course ran into more than a few people that I know. I spent the next hour and a half talking with them and then sat down to get some work done. I spent a bit of time writing to a friend in Oklahoma, and then began to work on some Love & Scissors Benefit Dinner tasks. I simply resorted to the same lifestyle I had when I was living in Texas. I made no plans for my day, woke up late, got ready, made breakfast, packed my bags and was out the door by noon. I spent 9 hours sitting at a coffee shop working on my computer and writing letters. Honestly, it was one of the better days I have spent alone since I moved back to Virginia Beach.

There's been a lot of talk around me recently about being extroverted or being introverted or being an outgoing introvert...and so I have been reflecting on where I am in life and where I fall amongst all of these. Part of me jokingly claimed over the past month that I was going to become an introvert so that I wouldn't feel bad about not having made plans with people in the evenings or on the weekends. I used to fill every ounce of spare time I had with something to do or someone to see. It's not too hard to do that here when I have friends from so many different places all in the same community. Well...today I think I realized that I have been choosing to live introverted when I very well know that I am an extrovert.

My job asks a lot from me socially. I am constantly meeting with students, relaying the same information, asking the same questions, answering the same questions, problem solving, answering phone calls, answering emails, going to meetings, etc. Not saying that most jobs aren't like that but recently all of this has been wearing on me in a sense of when I get home I don't want to chat I just want to embrace the silence and make a meal for myself and watch one of my shows. (I'm on a Parenthood/Downton Abbey kick right now.) My time of rest is precious. My time to veg out is necessary. Perhaps I only joked about becoming an introvert because subconsciously I missed those simplistic precious moments to myself.

Well today was full of some me time and although I only accomplished a couple things I feel good about it. I even stayed home from two invited outings which is really weird for me. Maybe it's just a part of growing up? I spent my evening working on some more Love & Scissors stuff but then got to sporadically skype one of my best girls in Colorado. Made my night. Simply the day was sweet. Simply I am thankful.

xoxo, Gabrielle

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

// Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Forgive me readers I am soooooo behind on posting. The last month has been pretty eventful, which is great! I'm so thankful to have been busy! So I owe y'all some pictures from my spring break! I will put them in this post and then continue on today with another post about some new things!

So I totally forgot that there was this thing called Spring Break! My dad and sister have a week in March to take off and I never really took Spring Break when I was in college because I was a crazy person double majoring and always in a show or on a film set; so when I heard 'Spring Break' I was like... "what is this spring break that you speak of?"

We booked a trip to Florida two weeks before we left so it was super last minute. Omgsh how incredibly refreshing it was to be back in one of the places I once called home. I started writing this several weeks ago but never finished... so I will just leave you with what I previously wrote:

Spring Break. Something I forgot existed! I think I may have taken one spring break out of the 4 years I was in school. I usually was on set for a film, in a show or had RA duties during breaks. So when the opportunity arose to take spring break with my family this year I was ecstatic! Long story short we found cheap tickets to fly to FL for 5 days. When we got there we stayed at a familiar resort and got to spend a little time in St. Augustine where we used to live. Waking up with the ocean right outside your window is one of the most peaceful things on this earth. If I could wake up every day near the beach or in the mountains that would be the dream! Honestly I think I would prefer the mountains but the beach stole my heart for the time I was there. I ended up with a pretty gnarly sunburn which I am still recovering from but what else is new? haha. Spending time with family away from work and my sisters stress of schoolwork was really nice too. Dad mentioned it was refreshing to be driving down A1A and that it seemed like we were coming back home after a really long trip. I agreed and stated that we should just move back. ;) One of my favorite days was the day I got to spend with several of my wonderful girl-friends. It was so refreshing to be in their company sharing matters of the heart and growing closer to each of them. It takes a lot to be vulnerable with other people especially when it comes to sharing secrets of the heart and things that are on your mind. One particular conversation that encouraged me was one that I had in the car with my dear friend Caron.

It's incredible the things that we are so careful about sharing for fear of being judged for your way of thinking or for fear of being presently judged by your past mistakes. Anyway there was a lot of different things we talked about but there was just something that touched my heart about that moment in the car when we both talked about some of our past mistakes and neither of us knew we both had dealt with some of the same baggage. I was kinda blown away because we both have come so far from those mistakes and we both have learned some of the most valuable lessons of our age. Wow Wow Wow. How incredible and merciful God is and how He can restore ones spirit. I am so thankful for that conversation although it wasn't long, it was a moment to be human and express what humanity looked like in our lives therefore giving God all credit where credit is due for being almighty and redeeming. A moment to be reminded about how human we are and how Great God is. Blows my mind. 

Ok so thats what I had written several weeks ago. I also went to Oklahoma for several days which was a blast! Got to go to a wedding for a childhood friend. Caught the bouquet! Whoop! Spent time with people my age and enjoyed the company of a most beautiful and strong woman named Allison! But here are the pictures to accompany this post about Spring Break.