Wars Waged Within

Let's be honest...or in this case, let me be honest. The past two days were pretty heavy. Isn't it funny that sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, when you start to come into realization of your freedom that's when something comes along to threaten it. Anxiety. Stress. Lies. They can be suffocating. I've heard it said before and was reminded this past week that "anxiety is selfish." I can see that. I can see where anxiety is an inward reflection on inner turmoil. It's a reflection on self and one's problems and or stressors. For myself and many others like me it is a battle of faith, it's a battle of trust. Anxiety is a battle. It's a war waged with yourself. But, I don't have to go into this battle alone. The flesh is weak which is why it's so easy to succumb to these things. I think most of my day yesterday was spent waging a spiritual battle of the heart and mind. The beautiful thing is that I am given the opportunity to make a decision. Heck! It's my very being! I made the decision to fight the battle rather than dwell in it. But, just because I decided to rise to the challenge doesn't mean everything changed all at once. It actually got harder when I chose to face it head on. There were points of weakness, points of breaking, and points of strength. Ultimately I know that because I have put my faith not in my own abilities but the Lord's strength to bring me through I know that I have come out on the other side and you know what...I. am. exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I am tired. Even though it has taken much energy out of me, and even though it's hard, I am called to face these challenges head on so that I can become stronger. I am learning. I am growing. It never ceases and thank the Lord that it doesn't! Peace has so much more value and beauty in my life because of the challenges I have faced and because of how I have seen the Lord redeem me from trial after trial. I don't have to live a life consumed. I choose to thrive, to grow vigorously and flourish! If that means that I undergo some pressure, if that means that I experience the process of refinement which makes things a bit uncomfortable then I am thankful still. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and to gain wisdom and ultimately come more into likeness of the Lord. A constant work in progress. That's what I am. I think I would be lost without something to strive for. I'm seeing these moments as opportunities and ultimately I know I will see the Lord's purpose in them. 

Woah... That Anxiety Though...

I kinda chuckle reading the title I just wrote for this post. I can't take too long to write but I need an outlet for some encouraging quotes of the day.

"Be quiet dear heart, breathe deep and long, soul, and find comfort in your God, who has gone before you in all things..."

"Tranquil stillness is the space in which our minds and bodies can finally reconnect with our spirits and give living water to our withered dreams."
-Whole Magazine (written by Sarah Dannemiller)

I may have had an anxiety attack at church last night...and by may...I mean I did. I laugh at it now I guess because I'd rather laugh than be serious about such a matter. Perhaps its how I am dealing with my stresses and anxieties lately. So the short story is that I was sitting there listening to a teaching on anxiety and stress, of course processing through my current stressors but my stresses as of recently have not manifested themselves in my typical way of experiencing stress. Rather, I have been quite calm. I realized that before I left Texas the way that I manage my stress has changed, and not because I made the conscious decision to change it, it just sort of happened. I don't feel stressed in the sense of being overwhelmed because generally I am excited about where I am and what I'm doing and what's coming. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that are weighing on me. I'm having to dig a little deeper to discover these things so that I can properly process them. I got an image the other day while in worship at my discipleship group called "Love Feast." Funny to me because I don't often get images like this and didn't understand it until I started writing it down. I then shared it with our group and Sara (our discipleship leader) asked for me to pray into it for us...which I have never done before. Anyway, this image was of a heart in the cavity of a chest covered in cobwebs. I can see it clearly in my mind even now. So first I was like...huh...weiiiird. I then decided I should write about it so I jotted down what I saw and meaning was revealed as I wrote.

This is what I wrote:

Cobweb heart- cobwebs...they're uncomfortable, basically invisible, and hard to get rid of but the Lord wants to help me wipe away the cobwebs that I may not be able o see or know are there to gain deeper access to my heart. Lord may I be sensitive to your spirit calling out the cobwebs over my heart and anxieties and fears and hardships and lies.

So I shared this and prayed into this for our group. Honest Gabe time... haha thank you Dan Jeter. All this anxiety and fear and all the lies began to surface during my trip to Tennessee this summer. I had a moment where I shared with my very dearest sister Brit that I felt people saw me as "this way" or "that way" or whatever it may be. She said, "Hon I think you are the one thinking those things about yourself, I don't think anyone thinks those things about you," and my friend Alex confirmed. I spent a very long 13 hour drive processing a lot and when I got home had a conversation with my girl Caron from Florida who put it bluntly because she had been struggling with the same thing. "Gabe, you aren't concerned about what others are thinking about you, these are things you are thinking about yourself and you are projecting those thoughts on other people." I think I may have shared this in a previous post in recent months...but there I was in a puddle of my own tears in my car...because she was right. I had been at war with myself struggling through my own self-defeat. Knowing that then I did spend some time with the Lord about it but I also had a lot of other things taking my attention so it kinda took the back burner.

Here I am now a couple months later and all around me the lessons and words are about anxiety. Leila (my friend and coworker) actually named the fat man that sits on my chest Roberto haha comedic relief. But, honestly, it really feels like I have a very heavy barbell laying on my chest that I don't have the arm strength to lift. When I got to Virginia I jumped right in, sink or swim. I haven't taken as much me time as I need and I'm realizing that I really need to take time to process because I haven't. I still have moments of realizing I live here and I have a big girl job and other major changes. It was a quick decision and quick following action to make the move and start a job two days after I got the offer. I haven't spent quiet time with God to process through everything I just jumped right in. So the good thing in all of this is that through it all I am realizing some important things. Thank God for realizations!

I completely uprooted myself when I left VB back in August of 2013. This is an opportunity to set new roots and lay a new foundation for my time back here for however long it may be. I'm not planning on going anywhere so it's important for me to be putting my roots in healthy soil. I have the knowledge to do so, so, come on Gabe get with it! haha

I need to work on my self-perception cuz it's not good. I think some old stuff has resurfaced as of recently that I have been freed from for years but they are coming back to taunt me as lies and I have been believing them. So there's that. I actually had a really good convo with an elder mentor from my church sunday morning at breakfast and we talked a bit about that. I'm so thankful for her. This is an area I will need to spend some time meditating on and praying about.

These are two major areas I need to work on and then there are all those others but it'd be a lot to talk about here.

Just some thoughts on where I am in life right now. It feels good to write again & now that I've hit the end of my lunch break I'm gonna get back to work. I start traveling October 1st! Say a little prayer for me as I hit the road! I'm super stoked.


Just some real moments, learning and growing with Gabe. Till next time...

   

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters

I'VE MADE A DECISION! So I have decided to post not only my own writings but also writings of others. As you know if you have been following me over the past months I have become a reader! I mean, I'm not reading 3 books a week but I am reading chapters a week in a couple different books which is a big thing for me and I am loving it! I am also reading a lot of articles and some of those I come across touch my heart with such depth I just have to share! So this is the first article I would like to share from my devos today. Funny thing is when I was writing yesterday I had Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) on repeat. I then saw a post on Facebook a video of the same song recorded in studio and then today there's a devotion article on it?!?!?! Coincidence? I think not.


Please enjoy! Be encouraged! I know I was :]

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO READ THE ARTICLE:

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters: This weekend, I took a trip with three close friends to a little place called Cannon Beach on the Oregon coast. One of the places where ...

All Wrapped Up

It's been almost a month since my last post! Oops! I'm about to get a bit heavy with this post so please pardon me but I will be saving some of my tales of my latest wonderful adventures for another post to come.

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Today is one of those days where I'm all wrapped up. It can be so easy to get all wrapped up in one area of your life where you fall short. Now I'm not saying that in all of my life I only have one area where I fall short, Lord knows I have plenty! What I am saying is that one short-coming can pick apart my heart. In my past I have let the short-comings and personal failures ravage my whole being. 

Worthless. Broken. Weak. Unworthy. Stupid. Lousy. Undisciplined. Unwise. Stuck. Lost. Selfish.

Disappointment in myself takes hold and begins to strangle. In my past I have given these short-comings the power to do some significant damage. An example of this from my past would be that I had given my short-comings so much control, so much power, that I had to leave work on a five minute break to have a panic attack. If you've not had the delight of experiencing a panic attack [sarcasm] the world goes blurry, you're straining to breathe, unable to stand, and sometimes you black-out. It's a very real wake up call to realizing that struggle has an unhealthy grasp on your life. All of life's current struggles have built up anxiety that basically runs your life. I have come a long way since those days but they still remain very real to me today and I'm thankful for that. If you will notice I mentioned that I had a "very real wake up call to realizing that struggle [had] an unhealthy grasp on [my] life..." that's because I believe in a healthy struggle, not just an unhealthy one. 

You Are Good When There's Nothing Good In Me

Each day, each week, each month, each year has it's challenges and with those challenges comes the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Here at the cross roads of success or failure. Will I overcome or be wiped out? Throughout this life I am guaranteed to disappoint others and myself with my own shortcomings because of the sin in my life. I've become more sensitive to the disappointment in self which has in turn led me to learn some hard but valuable lessons. Her I may be, wallowing in disappointment, shame even, for falling short of the life that God has called me to live. Barren and broken from bitterness, hate, idolatry, greed, and an unruly tongue. Wrapped up in one all-consuming struggle that it begins to break me down at my weakest points. Been hearing the phrase #thestruggleisreal lately? It's a very appropriate saying all around I think, although it is mostly used in a joking manner.  Really wanting to eat the whole pie...#thestruggleisreal ~ Homework out the wazoo...#thestruggleisreal ~ Disney or Universal?...#decisions #thestruggleisreal ~  To be or not to be...#thestruggleisreal ~ That Disney/Universal tweet is for my Florida followers you know who you are. ;] But on the serious, the struggle is real and the consequences are just the same. So knowing that I am guaranteed to fail at times, here I am with failure written all over me, yet a healthy sense of failure. I may be broken, I may have bruised my heels, I may have worn and torn my heart and mind but I am fighting. I have made a decision in the midst of s stormy day to conquer. The Lord has given me the freedom of choice, to choose to wallow in self pity or take up my cross and follow Him. This cross that bears my sin and shame I am choosing to surrender. I can't do it alone. Wallowing helps none. I recognize my struggle. I see my weakness. I take what could be an unhealthy encounter with short-comings and see the glory and grace that comes from it. Where I am weak He is strong. Where I struggle He stands firm. I won't conquer every challenge. It's not easy. I'm thankful to have seen the ocean like depths of God's grace for me, although to have experienced his deepest grace for me I was caught up in a current of hopelessness and depression. Waves of these deepest waters will cross my path at times reminding me of what those hopeless days felt like and reminding me of the decision I chose, when all felt lost, to fight. To take hold of the promises God has written in His word for His people. To let God reconstruct what I had broken. To redeem my self-worth. And to ultimately allow Him to show me how much I needed Him and how beautiful a life could be with restored hope and faith. So as today was a day where I found myself beginning to be consumed and all wrapped up in my failures I turned my focus to thankfulness. I am thankful to have the grace of a lifetime. I am thankful to have second chances, and third chances, and so on. I am thankful to have forgiveness and a God who is love. I am taking these struggles and out of them building strength. I am thankful for the realization that I don't have to face the future alone. I am humbled and indebted. I am sweetly broken. I am not letting myself get all wrapped up in the struggle but letting the struggle make me want to wrap myself up in His arms. Making the best of what could be an unhealthy situation and bringing truth to light.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Also, Definitely took me almost 4 hours to write this post. 

Patience & Progress

Two words that don't necessarily go hand in hand, unless that it is I am talking about making progress with patience. Let's be real. I fight with myself over how much progress I am making when it comes to taking those first steps into a new season of life, into that next adventure. I'd like to say that I'm ready. I'd like to say that I know I have what it takes right now. I'd like to say that I am closing on the finish line. Mainly I fight with myself over how much more I could be doing right now. I get down on myself for not waking up every day feeling ready to conquer the world! Send those emails! Send those applications! Make those calls! Honestly, who gets out of bed every morning feeling like that? haha Perhaps I have some unrealistic expectations of myself during this time? It's not bad for me to have expectations of how I should conduct myself or my time. No. Not at all. But, I think I have been missing out on the opportunity to have a little patience with myself. By the end of the day if I haven't done as much as I think that I could have done I basically slay myself with guilt and end up feeling overwhelmed. I overwhelm myself. hahaha. I am my own worst medicine. Now, not every day is like this. Oh no no! This is just something that I am realizing as I type. I have taken a sudden feeling, felt right here and now and decided to expand my thoughts upon it. As I sit in a room that grows darker as the sun sets, I have taken the moment to be in the moment with my thoughts. I didn't accomplish much today. I sent one email. I had a list of things that I could have been doing, but I didn't do any of them. I know that I am oh so incredibly blessed to be able to do just that. I won't be in this same exact season again in my life. So perhaps I'm not out of balance with this season and I only feel that way because I put the pressure on myself of what I feel like this season should look like for me? I'm still figuring it out. As long as I'm not sitting around everyday wondering where life is taking me without making any strides to seek out opportunities then perhaps I am doing exactly what I should be doing in this blessed season. 

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)

2014

2011

In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

I think I may have said this in my last post but I have come to the realization that this season is a season in which my heart is being ministered to. Heart Ministry. I like that saying. It's amazing to me to think back about 5 years ago and see what all has occurred in my life over the span of 5 years. Not only graduating high school and college and joining the real world on a hunt for a job but also the conditions my heart and spirit have been in over the years. I kinda want to laugh out loud right now but I am sitting in a Starbucks with people all around me and I may get some funny looks.

Now it's time for real moments with Gabrielle, the part of the blog where Gabrielle comes out and shares a real moment:

Now this real moment kinda ties into what I wrote in my last blog post. For any who haven't read the last one... #1. um why haven't you? #2. I mainly talked about the challenge I have accepted to accept that I am created the way I am for a reason. I have a double major for a reason. I am living at home with my parents for a reason. God has purpose and I shouldn't be discouraged when I see others working and fulfilling their dreams. Their dreams may not always be my dreams and their talents are not always the same as my own. I am unique. You are unique and we all have different purposes and plans. How wonderful to think that God has a specific and unique plan for everyone! No one is the same. What's not to love about that!? Your plan and my plan are exclusive to us individually. SO yeah. That's basically what I talked about and expanded on my struggle with that in the past years. Soooo... I'm reading this other book. Not the book I quoted in my last post. I am reading two books and the book I picked up to read today I haven't read since I left for one of my best friends weddings in FL. Todays chapter (I'm pleased to say I am on chapter 7! That's quite an accomplishment for me!) is entitled "Green with Envy." God's got something to say to me and I'm listening. (Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel)

Our Friend So-crates says this: "Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the beginner of secret sedition and the perpetual tormentor of virtue. Envy is the filthy slime of the soul; a venom, a poison, or quicksilver which consumeth the flesh and drieth up the marrow of the bones." 

Basically:

Envy = Daughter of Pride

Envy = Author of Murder

Envy = Author of Revenge

Envy = Tormentor of Virtue

Envy = Slime of Soul

Envy = Venom

Envy = Poison

Envy = Consumes

Envy = Dries Up Bones (like cancer)

Envy... yeah. Not a cool thing. Yet we all struggle with it. I shared how I struggled with my discontent in who I was, what I know, and where I am in life. What's the opposite of Envy? Give you one guess........... Thankfulness. Hey! Guess what!? It's November!!! Isn't thanksgiving next week or something? Yeah. Secret (last week I though it was this week). 

We should be thankful of what we have whether it is material or immaterial. "When we see God's goodness in the lives of others, we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel resentful." -Soul Detox 

Real moment with Gabrielle. I felt a little hurt and resentful when my internship fell through back in January. Long story short... I got an internship that would turn into a job by May. I was going to be associate producing a new documentary with an amazing team. After the first week of my internship went by I was informed that the documentary was no longer and my "boss" was getting married instead. I rejoiced with her and had peace about it until later on when I came to the end of my internship and all I had done was collect 90 pages of research and turned it in to complete a credit. I felt like I missed out on learning a lot and developing more of my craft. Then come to find out that my "boss" joined another team across the country, didn't get married and is successful and traveling and living the dream. I dealt with some hurt which turned into resentfulness and a little bit of envy. I didn't understand why it happened. Why I didn't start traveling the world and raising awareness for the causes I care about and the people I care about even more. I didn't understand why I had to go home. I didn't understand why I am where I am in life. Seriously. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Today I read a status update from my friend and former internship "boss" and it talked about how excited she is to be traveling and making a documentary on slavery. I thought to myself before reading it that I probably shouldn't read it because then I would become upset but I read it anyway and you know what... I'm not upset. I'm excited for her. I'm excited to see what comes of what she is doing. We are working for the same cause... well... she's working right now and someday I will be too! I have done little things here and there for advocating against social injustice and now's a time to learn some new stuff. Now is a time that my heart is being ministered to. Now is a time that I am realizing where my heart needs some work. To be thankful for all things. To be thankful in all times. To be expectant of Glory to come. Today is one of the first days where I haven't been sick to my stomach when I start to think about my future and the present. 

"If the grass is greener in someone else's yard, maybe it's time you watered your own. How long has it been since you've taken stock of what God's given you and said "Father, thank you"?" - Soul Detox

"When we look at other people comparatively and competitively, we're not seeing them as our brothers and sisters. We're not loving them more than we love ourselves, and we're definitely not seeing them as God sees them." - Soul Detox

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Soul Detox

Another challenge to process and act on. Let me be clear about the above real moment I shared... I don't sit around and pout or think about how I loathe being where I am right now or resent what other people are doing but when I am feeling discouraged it's where the enemy attacks. I am closing the door on those open targets and God is making my heart a bit more peaceful which does wonders for my anxiety levels - go figure! haha 

That's it for now! God Speed Friends!

Slap Bet

If you are familiar with or are a regular follower of the How I Met Your Mother series you might be familiar with the term "slap bet." For those who don't follow the series or haven't heard of this term, it refers to an bet made between Barney and Marshall in the series. The winner of the bet would win the slap bet therefore giving the winner rights to give a slap across the face of the loser as hard as he can muster. At any given time. Painful? Yes. I would think so.

So now you ask why I may have brought up such a term? Well, this is the best example I can give to describe how I have felt at different times in my spiritual walk. Most of the time I don't see it coming...a convicting slap to the face. Although it may not impact me physically, it hurts just as bad if not worse than being physically slapped across the face.

Now to tell you how this happened. Just this morning I was reading a book I just started by Craig Groeschel called "Altar Ego." I am a couple chapters in...in fact, I just finished chapter two this morning, so that is very accurate. Today's chapter is called "you are God's masterpiece" and the quote that follows says: "When Love and Skill work together, expect a masterpiece." ––John Ruskin. So I'm reading and Craig talks about how "God created every individual with purpose, God is constantly molding us into His masterpiece, He saved us so we could bring glory to Him and make a difference in the world, you as an individual are divinely inspired and it wasn't by chance or accident that you were made the way you are." Yup. Yup. Things that many of us have heard before, things I know I have heard before. It's always nice to be reminded, it definitely takes the pressure off of me as an individual that I am constantly putting on myself to be or do. But, those things are not what resonated with me today.

Here comes the slap! I'm reading, I'm reading and then WHAM! Ouch.

Ready? Read the following:

"Out of all the nearly infinite possibilities, there was no better time for you to be born with your unique gifts, talents, skills, and personality. God knew you before you were, and He put you right where He wanted you." 

Keep goin...

"Because we have not grasped who we are, we work hard to focus on all the things we are not. Consequently, we are not living out of our true purpose; no wonder we're frustrated."

There's more...

"You are God's masterpiece. Wouldn't it make sense to ask God what you should do with your life? ... Your purpose is far beyond this life... As God's masterpiece, called to do his good works in a way that is all your own, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose...He doesn't ask people to do something then realize later that they weren't equipped to do it."

Oh, it get's better...

"...some people have something I call "masterpiece envy."...when we compare ourselves with each other, we are not wise. Instead we should be focusing on the unique ways that God created us. We say, "I wish I could do that!" Instead, we should be discovering and acknowledging those things we can do. What are the things you can do that other people cant? God has given you everything you need to do everything that he wants you to do."

#thestruggleisreal

"Other people were created to do those things, and it's my great joy to let them live out the talents God made them for. Stop focusing on the things you can't do. Turn your attention to the things you can do... Start meditating on the truth about you: "I am the masterpiece of God. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. I already have everything I need to do everything God wants me to do."

And the cherry on top...

"You are who you are –– You are where you are –– because He set you on this path, plotted this course for you."

I'm still feeling the sting of that convicting slap. Let's be real for a moment. Here I am, where I am...a college graduate with two degrees, living at home with the parents, searching for a job and in the meantime not working a part time job. The struggle is real as I mentioned above, for many reasons. The struggle is real because I am used to being busy. I am used to piling my to do list high with commitments. I am used to going from one activity to the next. I am used to multi tasking. I have experienced what it is like to overcommit and I have suffered the consequences. You may think I am lazy for not having a job at the same time as searching for a full time position. Well, I am not necessarily doing what I am doing because that is what I want to do. God is teaching me to rest. He is teaching me to be patient (so hard!). He is teaching me to walk in faith. He is teaching me to trust. He is teaching me about myself and He is ministering to my heart through people, events and time spent with Him. I have been very blessed to be in a season like this although it has been hard because I am going against the only grain I have known in my life. Heck! I worked 3 jobs this summer, coordinated, attended and did hair for weddings and made time for fun with friends, then drove 31 hours home and stopped! Talk about a shock to your system! There is so much I have been learning and I know it is only the tip to the iceberg. 

I have come face to face with the reality that I doubt my training and preparation for the future dreams God has placed on my heart. In other words, at the time I didn't realize it, but I was really doubting the plan that God had for my last 4 years. I started thinking of all the things I could have or should have done. I thought about how I double majored and didn't just focus on one ability or strength in my life to master in. I've been thinking about how every job I have been looking into everyone wants an expert in one area. I have more strength in certain areas than others but I don't think that there is one thing I have mastered in. The reality that I have been shoving aside is that it's ok. There is a plan far greater for me than my own for myself. 

Like Craig said in his book: "what is it that you can do that others cannot?" Well, I know I have been told before, but I chose not to accept the words given to me till now... Not everyone can be so versatile. I am a flexible and versatile person. I can do many things well but I haven't mastered at one thing. Honestly, I think if anyone thinks He has mastered at anything it is then that He has failed. There is always more to learn, there is always somewhere to grow and develop. God is the master designer, the master artist, the master creator, the all knowing and all encompassing. That's a very humbling way to think about things. No one is perfect, because only One is perfect and complete. For far too long I have compared my talents, skills, and personality with others. They have what they have to complete the plan and journey the road they are on, and I have what I need to journey the road I am on and complete the tasks that present themselves and ultimately bring glory to God through His masterpiece. The challenge is this: take everything I have just read, the realizations I have just had, and take that convicting slap across the face and change my mindset. Learn from it. Do not simply know it. Act on the wisdom that has presented itself. 

Challenge.... wait for it.... ACCEPTED! Challenge Accepted!

So here I am. Teach me what You have to teach me. Grow me. Stretch me. & If it means another convicting slap to the face, then so be it. 

Patience Young Grasshopper

It's not always funny when someone calls you out on something. But, often I find myself laughing at the various times I am "called out" by God. So I get really frustrated and stressed out during a conversation with my mother and after the conversation I leave the house. I had to get out. The place of a home which used to be filled with peace has recently been a war zone between family members. Now I guess "war zone" may be overdoing it just a bit, so let's just say that home has become an uncomfortable place to be with the quarreling of parents and occasionally my sister who comes home only when she has to. I was that way in college too. I'm not saying I don't have any part in the un-peacefulness of our home, I have had my moments, mainly with my mother. It's a hard transition when you move home after 4 years of never living at home for more than a couple weeks on breaks. You are a different person, and it's not necessarily their fault that they (without thinking about it) assume that you are who you were when you left. They have only had the chance to see you in bits and it's not enough for them to understand you as an independent individual. I'm still struggling with that with my mother. It was a bit easier for my dad because we are so close and he and I are very similar, we still have little moments but they are very few and there is common understanding in the end. That's not exactly the case with me and my mother's relationship. Quite the polar opposite.

So anyway, I'm having a conversation about a couple things pertaining to my future with my mother (which I should have never started talking about in the first place) and it gets to the point where she's asking me questions or making statements that don't pertain to my character at all. Does this lady who birthed me know anything about me at all? Let me give an example: It was like telling Mother Teresa not to steal from the poor OR It was like stating "everything has to have a purpose in life."Actually that's pretty close to one of the things that she said to me. It's like telling me if I'm dehydrated I need to drink water. Duh! Ok, enough with the examples. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm merely trying to convey that whether it be my parent or another person's parent sometimes their "I only want what is best for my child" goggles get in the way of them seeing to the child's heart. Sometimes their preventative measures whether they be in word or physically acted can jump the gun. I think the fact that I was away for 4 years has a little to do with things being suggested or said that don't apply. I know to put my underwear on before I put my pants on, I know that the bunny ears criss-cross and make a bow, I know that a car needs gas to run, I know that I have challenges ahead as an adult, I know that the choices I make now do influence my future, I know that I need to take the real world seriously, I know that just because an good offer is made doesn't mean it is right to take it, I know not to be hasty and I know to do my homework. But, I also understand this: My God has me in the palm of His hand. My God has promised to never lead me astray and if I happen to be that one that takes the detour He will leave the many and go after me. I know My God has a plan, I know there is a plan and I have prayed and I have pleaded with the Lord that He would slam doors in my face if it's not the right one. I am doing my best as a learning and growing young adult.

Mother Teresa turning those tables for your enjoyment.

This post is pretty raw for me but, I also know that it is reality and people struggle everyday. So I'm struggling day to day just as everyone does, but I am also learning from those struggles. I know it's not my mother's fault that we don't always agree or that I struggle to communicate with her on certain levels. Thank God that we are different people! That He makes us unique! She has been there for me in so many other ways, I pray that I can do those same things for my children one day.

I have noticed through this also, that I am looking for confirmation and or a good word or helpful advice a lot from my mother, and its NOT a bad thing at all!! But, in my circumstance I need to be taking a lot of those conversations and thoughts of mine to the Lord. He is, after all, my provision and when I have left mom and dad behind, my relationship with Him is going to be most important of all.

Oh and as if there wasn't enough learning in the novel above! Here's another gem:

Faith and Endurance2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. 

BAM!!!!

 How's that feel Gabrielle? "Can I let you know when I regain my breath from being punched in the stomach?" Yeah. That's how that felt. Here I am enduring one of the most impactful seasons of my life thus far and not once have I said thank you for it. Thinking about it earlier I started to become so much more thankful for all the challenges I have faced thus far and I am hoping I can make that a habit for the future. I used to be so good at remembering to thank God through the trials and challenges but in this season it's something I have forgotten. I know I'm not facing religious injustice, or facing persecution for my faith but the bibles teachings aren't only for one season, one place, one situation or one time. Though these may seems like trivial first world problems they are still a challenge and battle for the one who faces a very real evil who seeks to destroy everything it touches. 

Anyway. That's a real moment in the life of me. 

A couple quotes from today's Jesus Calling that sparked a bit of the thought and learning:

"Bearing your circumstances bravely––even thanking Me for them––is one of the highest forms of praise."

"Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness." 

Monsters In My Closet

Well folks, the past several weeks have been a jumble of happy and excited moments mixed with anxious moments that pull at struggles with past depression and peaceful moments. Let me be real for a moment. Every night since being home I have struggled with sleeping I know that a lot of it has to do with the transition but I have only had 3 peaceful nights of sleep since being here for almost 2 weeks. The other stems from the monsters in my closet. I was writing a friend today to ask for prayer when I wrote "Like a little kid that is afraid of the monsters in their closet." This triggered my thinking about that very thing. My monsters do not have 6 arms, they do not have fangs and claws, they do not have mangy fur or slimy scales, their eyes do not glow red or green, but they are very real indeed. My monsters have the power to work from within me to destroy me. My monsters are lies, they are doubts, they are insecurities, they steal joy, hope and peace, they make me feel hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, and unworthy of anything good. The monsters in my closet are young and old, some have been with me for years and others have only now showed up. Well today I am claiming a new season in my life. The first step to conquering the monsters in my closet is recognizing that they are there. I think the reason I am just now realizing this is because these monsters are starting to become comfortable with the light of day. They are not only present when I sleep; which I was able to shake off for the day ahead. They are now seeping into the daytime. I am finding parts of my day in doubt or fear or guilt. Now that I recognize that these monsters are real I begin steps to taking back what they don't own. Old monsters and new only have the power that I give them, and because I know I am not strong enough to rid the monsters from my closet by myself I am surrendering the task and every part of each monster. I long to feel freedom again. To breathe fresh air and see the light breaking through the dark.

Something I have noticed about my writing and how I talk with people when I am talking personally is that I am very emotional and descriptive. I don't want anyone to be alarmed by it. Over time I have been told and I have realized that I feel deeply and I experience deeply. I am sensitive, which at times can have its down-sides, but then again when it comes to walking through this life I am sensitive to what comes my way. I used to think that it was a problem and that I needed to fix my sensitivity but over time I have come to know that being sensitive is not a bad thing I just needed to learn how to see it and experience it in a good light. I want to be sensitive to what troubles me, I want to be sensitive to conviction, I want to be sensitive to experience life to it's fullest. To feel deeper and understand more of the Lord's heart and to understand the hearts of my brothers and sisters on this earth because I have struggled with some of the same things that they are or have. If I wasn't sensitive and if I didn't express all that I do I wouldn't be who I am, and certainly if I didn't express all there is to express I would be lying about my life. It isn't perfect. It isn't always daisies and butterflies and I will not try to pretend that it is so people will like me or so people don't have to worry. There is no reason to worry at all about my wellbeing. I don't worry about myself and if anyone would be worried about their wellbeing I feel that I would probably be worried for myself before anyone else could even begin to worry about me. Sounds funny to say but I am not worried because I am encountering God. I am encountering life's challenges and I know that I will come out on the other end. God has brought me from the lowest of lows in my life and I know what it feels like to come out on the other end. Friend, it is the most wonderful and glorious of experiences. The most impactful and life changing experience I have ever encountered. Now thinking about it, these monsters don't seem as scary. Ha. 

So that's my life. Perhaps it can be of encouragement to someone out there or just serve as some entertaining reading bit. Whatever it is to whoever is reading there it is, it has been writ.

Also, this song. Yes. This song.

This Is What You Do - Bethel Live

It's always like springtime with You, making all things new 

Your light is breaking through the dark 

This love it is sweeter than wine 

Bringing joy, bringing life 

Your hope is rising like the dawn 

It's always like springtime with You, making all things new 

Your light is breaking through the dark 

This love it is sweeter than wine 

Bringing joy, bringing life 

Your hope is rising like the dawn 

This is what You do, this is what You do 

You make me come alive 

This is what You do, this is what You do 

You make me come alive 

This is what You do, this is what You do 

You make me come alive 

This is what You do, this is what You do 

You make me come alive, You make me come alive 

You make me come alive, You make me come alive 

You make me come alive, You make me come alive 

You make me come alive, You make me come alive 

[x2] 

It's like I'm living for the first time 

Finally living for the first time 

It's like I'm living for the first time 

Finally living for the first time 

It's like I'm living for the first time 

Finally living for the first time 

It's like I'm living for the first time 

Finally living for the first time