In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

I think I may have said this in my last post but I have come to the realization that this season is a season in which my heart is being ministered to. Heart Ministry. I like that saying. It's amazing to me to think back about 5 years ago and see what all has occurred in my life over the span of 5 years. Not only graduating high school and college and joining the real world on a hunt for a job but also the conditions my heart and spirit have been in over the years. I kinda want to laugh out loud right now but I am sitting in a Starbucks with people all around me and I may get some funny looks.

Now it's time for real moments with Gabrielle, the part of the blog where Gabrielle comes out and shares a real moment:

Now this real moment kinda ties into what I wrote in my last blog post. For any who haven't read the last one... #1. um why haven't you? #2. I mainly talked about the challenge I have accepted to accept that I am created the way I am for a reason. I have a double major for a reason. I am living at home with my parents for a reason. God has purpose and I shouldn't be discouraged when I see others working and fulfilling their dreams. Their dreams may not always be my dreams and their talents are not always the same as my own. I am unique. You are unique and we all have different purposes and plans. How wonderful to think that God has a specific and unique plan for everyone! No one is the same. What's not to love about that!? Your plan and my plan are exclusive to us individually. SO yeah. That's basically what I talked about and expanded on my struggle with that in the past years. Soooo... I'm reading this other book. Not the book I quoted in my last post. I am reading two books and the book I picked up to read today I haven't read since I left for one of my best friends weddings in FL. Todays chapter (I'm pleased to say I am on chapter 7! That's quite an accomplishment for me!) is entitled "Green with Envy." God's got something to say to me and I'm listening. (Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel)

Our Friend So-crates says this: "Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the beginner of secret sedition and the perpetual tormentor of virtue. Envy is the filthy slime of the soul; a venom, a poison, or quicksilver which consumeth the flesh and drieth up the marrow of the bones." 

Basically:

Envy = Daughter of Pride

Envy = Author of Murder

Envy = Author of Revenge

Envy = Tormentor of Virtue

Envy = Slime of Soul

Envy = Venom

Envy = Poison

Envy = Consumes

Envy = Dries Up Bones (like cancer)

Envy... yeah. Not a cool thing. Yet we all struggle with it. I shared how I struggled with my discontent in who I was, what I know, and where I am in life. What's the opposite of Envy? Give you one guess........... Thankfulness. Hey! Guess what!? It's November!!! Isn't thanksgiving next week or something? Yeah. Secret (last week I though it was this week). 

We should be thankful of what we have whether it is material or immaterial. "When we see God's goodness in the lives of others, we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel resentful." -Soul Detox 

Real moment with Gabrielle. I felt a little hurt and resentful when my internship fell through back in January. Long story short... I got an internship that would turn into a job by May. I was going to be associate producing a new documentary with an amazing team. After the first week of my internship went by I was informed that the documentary was no longer and my "boss" was getting married instead. I rejoiced with her and had peace about it until later on when I came to the end of my internship and all I had done was collect 90 pages of research and turned it in to complete a credit. I felt like I missed out on learning a lot and developing more of my craft. Then come to find out that my "boss" joined another team across the country, didn't get married and is successful and traveling and living the dream. I dealt with some hurt which turned into resentfulness and a little bit of envy. I didn't understand why it happened. Why I didn't start traveling the world and raising awareness for the causes I care about and the people I care about even more. I didn't understand why I had to go home. I didn't understand why I am where I am in life. Seriously. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Today I read a status update from my friend and former internship "boss" and it talked about how excited she is to be traveling and making a documentary on slavery. I thought to myself before reading it that I probably shouldn't read it because then I would become upset but I read it anyway and you know what... I'm not upset. I'm excited for her. I'm excited to see what comes of what she is doing. We are working for the same cause... well... she's working right now and someday I will be too! I have done little things here and there for advocating against social injustice and now's a time to learn some new stuff. Now is a time that my heart is being ministered to. Now is a time that I am realizing where my heart needs some work. To be thankful for all things. To be thankful in all times. To be expectant of Glory to come. Today is one of the first days where I haven't been sick to my stomach when I start to think about my future and the present. 

"If the grass is greener in someone else's yard, maybe it's time you watered your own. How long has it been since you've taken stock of what God's given you and said "Father, thank you"?" - Soul Detox

"When we look at other people comparatively and competitively, we're not seeing them as our brothers and sisters. We're not loving them more than we love ourselves, and we're definitely not seeing them as God sees them." - Soul Detox

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Soul Detox

Another challenge to process and act on. Let me be clear about the above real moment I shared... I don't sit around and pout or think about how I loathe being where I am right now or resent what other people are doing but when I am feeling discouraged it's where the enemy attacks. I am closing the door on those open targets and God is making my heart a bit more peaceful which does wonders for my anxiety levels - go figure! haha 

That's it for now! God Speed Friends!

Slap Bet

If you are familiar with or are a regular follower of the How I Met Your Mother series you might be familiar with the term "slap bet." For those who don't follow the series or haven't heard of this term, it refers to an bet made between Barney and Marshall in the series. The winner of the bet would win the slap bet therefore giving the winner rights to give a slap across the face of the loser as hard as he can muster. At any given time. Painful? Yes. I would think so.

So now you ask why I may have brought up such a term? Well, this is the best example I can give to describe how I have felt at different times in my spiritual walk. Most of the time I don't see it coming...a convicting slap to the face. Although it may not impact me physically, it hurts just as bad if not worse than being physically slapped across the face.

Now to tell you how this happened. Just this morning I was reading a book I just started by Craig Groeschel called "Altar Ego." I am a couple chapters in...in fact, I just finished chapter two this morning, so that is very accurate. Today's chapter is called "you are God's masterpiece" and the quote that follows says: "When Love and Skill work together, expect a masterpiece." ––John Ruskin. So I'm reading and Craig talks about how "God created every individual with purpose, God is constantly molding us into His masterpiece, He saved us so we could bring glory to Him and make a difference in the world, you as an individual are divinely inspired and it wasn't by chance or accident that you were made the way you are." Yup. Yup. Things that many of us have heard before, things I know I have heard before. It's always nice to be reminded, it definitely takes the pressure off of me as an individual that I am constantly putting on myself to be or do. But, those things are not what resonated with me today.

Here comes the slap! I'm reading, I'm reading and then WHAM! Ouch.

Ready? Read the following:

"Out of all the nearly infinite possibilities, there was no better time for you to be born with your unique gifts, talents, skills, and personality. God knew you before you were, and He put you right where He wanted you." 

Keep goin...

"Because we have not grasped who we are, we work hard to focus on all the things we are not. Consequently, we are not living out of our true purpose; no wonder we're frustrated."

There's more...

"You are God's masterpiece. Wouldn't it make sense to ask God what you should do with your life? ... Your purpose is far beyond this life... As God's masterpiece, called to do his good works in a way that is all your own, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose...He doesn't ask people to do something then realize later that they weren't equipped to do it."

Oh, it get's better...

"...some people have something I call "masterpiece envy."...when we compare ourselves with each other, we are not wise. Instead we should be focusing on the unique ways that God created us. We say, "I wish I could do that!" Instead, we should be discovering and acknowledging those things we can do. What are the things you can do that other people cant? God has given you everything you need to do everything that he wants you to do."

#thestruggleisreal

"Other people were created to do those things, and it's my great joy to let them live out the talents God made them for. Stop focusing on the things you can't do. Turn your attention to the things you can do... Start meditating on the truth about you: "I am the masterpiece of God. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. I already have everything I need to do everything God wants me to do."

And the cherry on top...

"You are who you are –– You are where you are –– because He set you on this path, plotted this course for you."

I'm still feeling the sting of that convicting slap. Let's be real for a moment. Here I am, where I am...a college graduate with two degrees, living at home with the parents, searching for a job and in the meantime not working a part time job. The struggle is real as I mentioned above, for many reasons. The struggle is real because I am used to being busy. I am used to piling my to do list high with commitments. I am used to going from one activity to the next. I am used to multi tasking. I have experienced what it is like to overcommit and I have suffered the consequences. You may think I am lazy for not having a job at the same time as searching for a full time position. Well, I am not necessarily doing what I am doing because that is what I want to do. God is teaching me to rest. He is teaching me to be patient (so hard!). He is teaching me to walk in faith. He is teaching me to trust. He is teaching me about myself and He is ministering to my heart through people, events and time spent with Him. I have been very blessed to be in a season like this although it has been hard because I am going against the only grain I have known in my life. Heck! I worked 3 jobs this summer, coordinated, attended and did hair for weddings and made time for fun with friends, then drove 31 hours home and stopped! Talk about a shock to your system! There is so much I have been learning and I know it is only the tip to the iceberg. 

I have come face to face with the reality that I doubt my training and preparation for the future dreams God has placed on my heart. In other words, at the time I didn't realize it, but I was really doubting the plan that God had for my last 4 years. I started thinking of all the things I could have or should have done. I thought about how I double majored and didn't just focus on one ability or strength in my life to master in. I've been thinking about how every job I have been looking into everyone wants an expert in one area. I have more strength in certain areas than others but I don't think that there is one thing I have mastered in. The reality that I have been shoving aside is that it's ok. There is a plan far greater for me than my own for myself. 

Like Craig said in his book: "what is it that you can do that others cannot?" Well, I know I have been told before, but I chose not to accept the words given to me till now... Not everyone can be so versatile. I am a flexible and versatile person. I can do many things well but I haven't mastered at one thing. Honestly, I think if anyone thinks He has mastered at anything it is then that He has failed. There is always more to learn, there is always somewhere to grow and develop. God is the master designer, the master artist, the master creator, the all knowing and all encompassing. That's a very humbling way to think about things. No one is perfect, because only One is perfect and complete. For far too long I have compared my talents, skills, and personality with others. They have what they have to complete the plan and journey the road they are on, and I have what I need to journey the road I am on and complete the tasks that present themselves and ultimately bring glory to God through His masterpiece. The challenge is this: take everything I have just read, the realizations I have just had, and take that convicting slap across the face and change my mindset. Learn from it. Do not simply know it. Act on the wisdom that has presented itself. 

Challenge.... wait for it.... ACCEPTED! Challenge Accepted!

So here I am. Teach me what You have to teach me. Grow me. Stretch me. & If it means another convicting slap to the face, then so be it. 

Ambrosia Tea Room

Today I described myself as a Busy Bee then 5 minutes later called myself a Social Butterfly. I have no idea what is up with the insect references, I guess it was just one of those days.

What does "One Of Those Days" look like:

Today it looked like an escape from the encapsulating fortress that is my home. I packed my bags and drove to a small town 20 minutes from home to have some tea and detox. An hour and a half later I had finished another chapter in the book I just started reading called "Soul Detox." I had downed 3 tea cups of Afternoon Darjeeling with cream and honey and spent some time trying to day-dream. "Trying to day-dream?" -you ask. Yes. I was mentally trying to wrap my thoughts around day-dreaming. I stared at a white picket fence with a small spread of grass behind it and I tried to day-dream. "When was the last time I used my imagination?" I asked myself. Sad to have to think of when I used my imagination last. I know I use my mind to problem solve and create art but I miss coming up with scenarios and stories in my head. I didn't get very far in my day-dreaming because the hostess came by to check on me since I was the only one in the garden view room.

Have you ever tried to create a little romance for yourself? Today was a day when I knew my heart needed to be romanced by surrounding beauty. Feeling a bit lovesick (not because of anyone) just longing a bit for someone. I made a decision to romance myself today. To do special things, to look at the world through a kaleidoscope of colors and simplicity. I enjoyed my reading and drinking my tea and treated myself to a little key lime pie. I did manage to imagine myself from the outside looking in for a bit. That's something I oddly like to do. At any random time I can take the scene and flip it in my mind to see what it may look like from another person's point of view. Strange isn't it? So as I sat looking out the window holding my lipstick stained tea cup in both hands I imagined myself from the outside point of view and I may have thrown the scene setting itself back around the 1890's. And as I write this I continue on thinking about that moment and how I could see other proper women passing by gossiping about how I'm too driven for my own good and how my dreams to travel are farfetched and unreasonable. I imagine those things because that's the kind of person I would want to be back then. So, in today's world it's not bad to be too driven or have dreams of traveling the world but I find other ways to go against the grain of society and it's naivety. I have dreams to touch lives through documentary filmmaking. I have dreams to be involved with organizations that are changing lives of those who are living under persecution of social injustices such as sex-trafficking and genocide. These days I'm not called foolish, far-fetched or too driven. These days I am advised to be careful. When they see the excitement on my face when they discuss the danger of the field I am looking to go into they are taken aback. I love getting that reaction. It is those people who I hope one day will see any of the work I do in the future. Life is about taking risks! I think people have gotten so comfortable with first world living. We are so comfortable where we are what does it matter if anythings happening elsewhere if it's not affecting me here? BLECH! That's what I say to that! I have been called to be a risk taker, knowing that my faith is strong and I am trusting in the Lord's provision. I'm not saying to get wreck-less! But taking risks has to do with faith and because my faith rests on God...I'm good.

So that went in a completely different way than I thought it was! haha.

I ended the day by talking with my grandmother on the phone, eating chili, updating my resume and checking for casting calls in Austin. A Nicolas Sparks feature is being filmed the week I'm in Florida..........DRATS! ;)

Well, that's all for tonight my loves! Enjoy some pictures from my day :]

Sleep In Heavenly Peace

For the past almost two and a half weeks I have suffered from nightmares and night-terrors. I have had maybe 3 or 4 peaceful nights where I had not one nightmare. Perhaps it's the transition I have told myself, perhaps it's that I am overheated in my sleep (triggers nightmares for some people), perhaps subconsciously I feel anxious and my body deals with it through a nightmare. I have been plagued by guilt when I wake up because in my dreams I may have done something I would never do in reality like murder someone. I start to think 'what the heck is wrong with me?' 'what am I doing wrong?' When I got back from Costa Rica last summer I also was plagued by constant nightmares and through a lot of prayer and asking the Lord to watch over me and be present while I slept they eventually went away. The nightmares have been more constant and worse in content than when I came back to the states last summer. Even when I ask that the Lord be present as I sleep and dream I have been having nightmares. So this morning as I was troubled with the thought of all the nightmares I have had I kept reminding myself that the person who is in the nightmares is not who I am in present life. The desires to do evil in the nightmares are not the desires that I have in the real world. 

So I sit down to read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and open my kindle bible app and this verse of the day appears:

Of course I am like 'woah!' Coincidence I think not! I am in such a vulnerable place right now as an individual. I am back home and missing community and fellowship with friends and elders of my church back in Virginia. I am at alone most of the time and that is a key opportunity for evil to sink it's teeth into my mind. I was talking to Kadi last night about life apart from community and how challenging it is. It's a different world when you aren't plugged into a church yet, or a small group or when you aren't always pouring into people, and people aren't always pouring into you. You start to think of everything you could be doing or should be doing. You get down on yourself for not having motivation and structure in your life. But, that is the transition. It's the mud you have to trudge through to get to the stream at the other end where you can wash away the struggles and challenges you have overcome, and move forward into your future. It's preparation in the most vulnerable state, because you are alone, and there aren't as many distractions. Anyway... a little rabbit trail there. 

Sleep is precious. It is a gift and it can be compromised by evil that seeps in. I'm so serious. It attacks your identity in your sleep, it feeds on your past mistakes, it devours all that is good about the restoration of sleep. I'm fighting a battle right now. Every night as I lay down to sleep my subconscious mind is fighting and in the physical realm I am doing what I can to fight off evil that follows me into my sleep. 

So in my reading this morning from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young it was about safety! These are the key excerpts from the reading:

"In closeness to Me, you are safe. In intimacy of My Presence, you are energized....I designed you for close communication with your Creator....When you commune with Me in the garden of your heart, both you and I are blessed. Together we will push back the darkness, for I am the Light of the world."

Couldn't be any more perfect, right? It just means that I'm going to have to get closer to God so together we can push away the darkness that floods my dreams. Not a bad idea.


So my friends, how can you pray for your fellow Texan? Pray for my sleep. Pray for peace in rest. As you lay your head down on your pillow think of me and pray that I would be free from attacks and protected. & I pray that the Lord blesses you as you sleep that He covers you and keeps you.

That's life right now. It's 1:10 pm and I am sitting in my kitchen in my pajamas writing. Yep. haha



Also....

This is one of the verses that was with the reading. I read it in the 4 different versions and I love each one. Especially the NKJ & ESV which end with Selah.

    PSALM 32:7

NIV

7You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

           MSG

7God’s my island hideaway,

keeps danger far from the shore,

throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.

NKJ

7Thou art my hiding place; 

thou shalt preserve me from trouble; 

thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.

ESV

7You are a hiding place for me;

you preserve me from trouble;

you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah