"What are you doing?"

• scribed after the longest and quickest day ever •

I have the strongest desire to write lately. I have so many thoughts I don't know how to keep them all wrapped up in this head of mine. A lot of my writings have been in personal journals which has been very good...but there's also a part of me that wants to continue to share with other people where I am and what's going on in life. Connection. Fellowship. Coffee dates. Lunch dates. Two minute elevator chats. We all have a story to tell. I'm an artist. An actress. A documentarian of sorts (still figuring that one out). Telling my story or helping to tell the stories of others is a deep inset desire and almost natural reaction to the life I live day by day. So my friends...here's my story for today.

I have one question that I have been consistently asking God the past almost 5 months: "What are you doing?" This is not accusatory. This is not disrespectful. This is my declaration, that my life is not my own and I don't always have a grip on reality. This is my humility. This question comes about when I'm on the road with hours between point A and point B. It has come about when I find myself celebrating the matrimony of two beloved friends. It comes as I'm floating down a river, the tips of my fingers grazing the waters. It comes when I'm sitting down one-on-one with a friend, laughing till we both cry. It happens when everything is still, silent, and stable. It came about when I hiked through the Rocky Mountains through the rain and amongst some of the most breath taking scenery. It happens when someone I love has been hurt and I'm infuriated by the injustice of it all. It comes when something ends just as soon as it began. When my worlds are colliding and I'm not so sure we aren't all more connected than we think. It happens when I begin to discover new things about myself. This question is the heart behind all of my hello's, and especially my goodbyes. 

• finished scribing 3 days later over an autumn tea latte •

Sometimes the question is whispered...and other times the question is screamed within the four doors of my little Ford Fusion. Let's be real. This is not the only question I'm asking right now but it's most definitely the question at the foundation of all my other unending questions. This question requires a lot of patience. It's not one that is always quickly or easily answered. It's a bit of good ol' character building. I had such a lovely conversation with a new friend of mine last evening. Lauren Stonestreet and I talked about photography and film and all that comes with being in your 20's and asking this question. She mentioned her perspective in the process of stretching, asking deep and challenging questions of herself and the Lord is that she is like a new wineskin. She is being stretched and prepared for the new unfermented wine to be poured in. There's an important process and preparation for new wine. You cannot pour new wine into an old wineskin because it would burst. It's all about that carbon dioxide and such. There's a pretty good explanation of it online here. Any who, Lauren and I talking couldn't have been more appointed. I may have started to tear up as we talked (I kinda get like that over things I'm passionate about). I'm pretty sure I drowned out all the noise of the late night pizza bar scene that was playing every popular early 2000's pop song known to man. Talk about middle school dance flashbacks! 

I don't have a lot of answers. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's really uncomfortable to not have answers. I don't like to meditate on the fact that I don't have the answers I might desire to have. Bitterness leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I've experienced way too many people around me who fall into bitterness and it eventually starts to consume them. It makes me sad for them. I don't want that. So I will ask my question. Whenever it may surface in whatever form or fashion it may come about. I'll ask expectantly but not expecting. The one answer I have that brings me peace through the waiting is the Lord's all-knowing and promising response of: "Oh my sweet Gabrielle, just you wait and see." 

& cue the teary eyes,

Gabrielle

• Fall 2014 •

I Breathe You In

I Breathe You In, God - Katie Torwalt

I heard this song for the first time today as I was reading and had to stop to take note of what song it was. When I left Virginia in August I knew I was going home for several practical reasons but not fully understanding what the future months would hold. So of course I get home and start looking for a job. If you've been following along with this blog or if I have talked with you in person about the past 6 almost 7 months, you know that I have been learning little by little the true reasons for my being home during these past months. Of course I am looking for a job, but I am also growing in my relationships with my family members. I am trying to form healthy habits like spending every morning with the Lord. I am conquering personal hurdles and hinderances to my own growth as a woman. (that's actually really weird for me to write because a lot of times I still feel like I don't fit the womanly high heels yet...figuratively speaking of course). 

So although I am continually seeing the meaning and purpose behind these months I am still left with not understanding. It's one of those times where you have to leave the season you are in and step into a new one to fully look back and see what in the world was going on. I love looking back on the things I learned and how I grew and what the Lord has done during a certain season of my life, but it's always hard to see where things are going till you get there. Yay faith!! 

I'm pretty content with knowing that I don't know, that I don't have any understanding of what will come next, but even in saying that, I am doing my best to seek Him and His plans and to know His will. I could try to guess what's coming but God will probably surprise me. He has already surprised me with so many beautiful things: reuniting me with old friends, becoming friends with my sister, growing closer with my momma, being able to spend quality time with my dad, being a bridesmaid in two of my best friend's weddings, planning a very dear Virginia friends wedding and spending time with many of my dearest friends out in the 757, a random trip to Florida for spring break, growing my relationships with friends who are off an married (this is a HUGE thing!! most girl-friends disappear after they get married - you know I'm right) haha. Anyway, lots of things! Beautiful things! Unknown things that came to be. 

Just a little word vomit for you concerning a song that grabbed my attention today. I have pictures and words coming soon from my random last minute trip out to Florida!!! Check in later!!

Re-potting Plants

If you've never planted seeds in a pot before the process usually starts with a small plant pot. I love the itty bitty ones you can get from the home improvement store they're precious and make me wanna say girly things like "awwweee it's so leetle! it's a baaaybeeee!" Haha. So when planting you sometimes start with a small pot and then the little plant is watered and given the sun that it needs to grow and eventually it graduates! You get it a bigger pot! The process continues until its graduated a couple times and then eventually you could plant it outdoors so that it has ample space to throw down its roots and take in the sun. People who garden know that it's no easy task to maintain healthy plants whether they be beds of flowers or vegetables. There's a lot of care that goes into maintaining the soil and making sure if it's been relatively dry in the forecast that the plants get the water they need. There are people who garden their whole lives to maintain the grounds of important estates; I'm thinking Downton Abbey style. How do you think they keep the outside of places like that looking beautiful?! Especially when you have plants that come from different parts of the world that aren't native to the environment they've been placed in.

So I've talked a lot about the whole gardening business probably more than I needed to but, hey, I was on a roll. What I'm really wanting to talk about here is something that has been on my mind for the past couple days and has been popping up over the past couple months. I'm kinda using the plant talk above as a metaphor so bear with me.

You have to give people room to grow. Simply said, not as easily done. I know in my own experience when I have been stunted by friends or family who aren't giving me room to grow or allowing me the chance to grow. Not only have I experienced this I have observed it happening around me lately and in some ways I have heard it referenced to in church. We as humans will continue to grow and be molded and change until the day we die. Physically there's not much we can do to stop another person from growing old, but when it comes to growing emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, and spiritually, these are all things that can be affected in one person by the influence of another person, a lot of these things being metaphysical. I'm seeing a lot of hurt caused by people's inability to let another person grow. It's like re-potting plants. Here's this little sprout which has the capacity to become something big and beautiful but if the potter doesn't lend a hand in re-potting the plant and giving it new soil then it will not thrive. So here we are as humans coming in constant contact with other humans. We have the ability to help a person to thrive in their growth as an individual or we can choose to only see them as they are or once were and expect them to stay that way. It hurts me to see people shut down by other people because they can't see past their own narrow mindedness. Are we not to push each other towards Christ? Are we not to encourage one another in brotherly & sisterly love? I know that there are some beautiful influential people in my life who constantly encouraged me to push on and push forward and even when I still had mud in my eyes they saw past my current state or they saw the depths of my heart, the desire to change, the desire to grow, the desire to do good. Even if I couldn't see it they saw it in me and encouraged me to see past my own stumbling blocks. It's beautiful really. They spoke truth. They spoke life. Words carry so much more weight than we tend to realize.

But really what I'm trying to get at here is this: If you preemptively decide that your husband, your wife, your sister, your brother, your friend, or your coworker or anyone you know is going to do the same things they have always done wrong then you're part of the problem. (ooh that was harsh but I'm not saying this to single anyone out I'm also having some personal realizations as well.) I'm talking these things could be effecting you directly or indirectly. They could be seen as mistakes or bad choices or whatever. I'm gonna bring it back home to a personal level just because it's the best real life experience I can think of to share rather than making a scenario up. So my little sister and I were never close. Like she had a chip on her shoulder and I had one on mine. We've talked about this on countless occasions so I know that it's ok to share this because it's a testament to how beautiful our relationship is now. So my sister and I are opposites. I'm an extrovert, she's an introvert, I'm enjoy performing arts, she enjoys visual art, I like sports, she'd rather read a novel, so on and so forth. To keep things short I will say this, I came home with an open mind and open heart, and she received me as her sister with an open mind and open heart. Here we were back in August with room to grow. We potted our relationship in a bigger pot together allowing each other the room to flourish. I think sometimes what holds us back from letting another person grow is bitterness or sometimes it's just simply deciding that you know that person and how they are or how they were and who they will be. Shallow thinking. God has given us incredible potential and He delights in our growth whether that growth happens in an instant or takes a handful of times to learn and grow or hey, it may take years. Sometimes it takes people half their lives to learn and grow in certain areas of their lives. It could take 21 years like it took my sister and I. If I went into each encounter with my sister expecting her to be the same person day to day I wouldn't be helping her because I would continue to treat her as the same person. But my baby sister is growing up every day, she's right on my tail and I have the amazing privilege to be there for her, encouraging her to reach for the potential I know the Lord has for her life. I'm not saying that it's all sunshine and daisies constantly, we still have our moments where we expect an action or reaction a certain way because that's what we have known for so long and have been so wrapped up in it that we are still personally breaking those habits. But, I know she has the potential to grow and change just as she knows I have the potential to grow and change.

It helps no one to bitterly comment about how that person will always make the same mistakes or hurt you in the same way or choose badly every time. But, it does help to encourage and help the other person transfer their potted plant into a bigger pot. Eventually the ideal is to plant those potted plants into the ground so that there is infinite possibility and potential for growth. That's what I hope to give my husband someday. I hope to help him grow and in return I hope and pray he does the same. Never giving limitations because our God is phenomenal and He can change a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

So I guess this is another thing I'm learning about relationships recently. I would hate to have a limit or brand put on me that stunts my growth so I don't want to do the same to another person. I don't want to be too quick to assess where a person is spiritually or emotionally or mentally because only God knows the depths to that person and judgement is not my job. So friends I guess those are some of my thoughts on this. I'm terribly sorry it was such a long post! So much to write about! But if you stuck through it, if you have experienced this yourself I'd love to hear from you.

http://www.allamericanflorist.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/repot-plants.jpg

Whole Magazine : When the Plot Twists

Today's encouragement comes from yet another Whole Magazine Post by Emilee Lowe. These particular posts just hit home right now. To read the post you can read below or click on the link right below this paragraph. 

Whole Magazine : When the Plot Twists: My family relocated five months ago to our dream location, a coastal town with the best church in the universe and the prettiest shells ...

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When the Plot Twists

"My family relocated five months ago to our dream location, a coastal town with the best church in the universe and the prettiest shells and sea you could hope for…or at least that’s the way we see it. But our circumstances are so far out of our control and less than ideal that it has tested us more than I ever expected.

My husband had this longing to be by the ocean, not unlike most of us, but his longing seemed to come from a calling set on his heart from God. Packing up and moving wasn’t as simple as doing just that, we had a house to sell, I had recently opened up a business of my own, our daughter was just over a year old and nearly all of both of our families had settled into the city we were in. The roller coaster of decision was so hard on its own, and even though the calling seemed clear, the timing and details were so uncertain. Everyone around us thought we were crazy, and to be honest I was pretty sure they were right.

About six months after we made the decision to move, when the opportunity presented itself, my husband received a job offer that opened the door. However, they needed him immediately, so we packed up everything and moved in just less than three weeks’ time. At the time, I was certain that I was going to be admitted into an institution, but by the Grace of God we made it to our new residence.

Three days later, the job didn’t work out. The next job he got didn’t work out. And then he was unemployed for two months. I was angry. I was so bitter that the bottom had fallen out of our dream plan. OUR PLAN. I found my heart was so heavily burdened with resentment and the closest and easiest person to blame was my husband. I convinced myself that these decisions and choices that had landed us in this predicament were all made by him and I was just going along with them out of submission. I didn’t vocalize these things at first, and by the time I did it had festered into an ultimatum in my heart. ‘Either he fixes this, or I’m out.’ That’s what I thought.

I can’t believe I’ve actually just typed that out and admitted it to anyone. But it is the truth.

By the time I talked to my husband about these issues, there wasn’t much love or grace left in my approach. The hardness of my heart came at him like a brick. And as you can imagine, he was already feeling like he had let our family down. My accusations and ultimatums did nothing to build him up, and only tore him down further weighing heavily on the threads that were holding our marriage together.

BUT GOD. There is no explanation I can give for the change in my heart other than those two words.

We were living smack dab in the middle of the consequences of our decisions. For so many years, we had chosen to act now and think later when it came to major choices and changes. We ran and jumped and jived as long as we could but when we landed here in our “dream location” God showed us that there was nowhere left to run. And despite it all, we were exactly where we were supposed to be. He has orchestrated event after event that have given us confirmation time and time again that we are right where he wants us.

My husband ended up with a job that he loves, and though we are still struggling in major ways, I know that this has strengthened our relationship with each other and more importantly with The Lord. Our daughter is happier than I have ever seen her. We are more stressed than I think we have ever been, yet I have a supernatural peace that I simply cannot put into words.

Stressing, worrying, freaking out and trying so hard to control things serves no purpose other than distracting attention from the Glory of God. No matter the situation, no matter how desperate and impossible it seems, He will always make a way for His Will to be done. I know that in the midst of this major storm we’re living in, He hasn’t left us and hasn’t forgotten about us. He has a plan. It’s obviously very intricate and complex, but that’s nothing for Him!

“God also allows suffering so that we might learn what it means to depend on Him, not on our own strength and resources.” - Charles Swindoll

“What God Originates, He Orchestrates. How is never a problem with God.” - Andy Stanley

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed”" (Lowe, When the Plot Twists, Whole Magazine).

About the Author :

Emilee Lowe is a Christ following wife and mother who lives in Wilmington, North Carolina. She is a former hair stylist who is committed to being used by God in whatever way He sees fit. 

Lowe, Emilie. "When the Plot Twists | Whole Magazine." When the Plot Twists | Whole Magazine. N.p., 19 Feb. 2014. Web. 20 Feb. 2014. <http://www.wholemagazine.org/2014/02/when-plot-twists.html>.

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters

I'VE MADE A DECISION! So I have decided to post not only my own writings but also writings of others. As you know if you have been following me over the past months I have become a reader! I mean, I'm not reading 3 books a week but I am reading chapters a week in a couple different books which is a big thing for me and I am loving it! I am also reading a lot of articles and some of those I come across touch my heart with such depth I just have to share! So this is the first article I would like to share from my devos today. Funny thing is when I was writing yesterday I had Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) on repeat. I then saw a post on Facebook a video of the same song recorded in studio and then today there's a devotion article on it?!?!?! Coincidence? I think not.


Please enjoy! Be encouraged! I know I was :]

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO READ THE ARTICLE:

Whole Magazine : Let Me Walk Upon the Waters: This weekend, I took a trip with three close friends to a little place called Cannon Beach on the Oregon coast. One of the places where ...

Patience & Progress

Two words that don't necessarily go hand in hand, unless that it is I am talking about making progress with patience. Let's be real. I fight with myself over how much progress I am making when it comes to taking those first steps into a new season of life, into that next adventure. I'd like to say that I'm ready. I'd like to say that I know I have what it takes right now. I'd like to say that I am closing on the finish line. Mainly I fight with myself over how much more I could be doing right now. I get down on myself for not waking up every day feeling ready to conquer the world! Send those emails! Send those applications! Make those calls! Honestly, who gets out of bed every morning feeling like that? haha Perhaps I have some unrealistic expectations of myself during this time? It's not bad for me to have expectations of how I should conduct myself or my time. No. Not at all. But, I think I have been missing out on the opportunity to have a little patience with myself. By the end of the day if I haven't done as much as I think that I could have done I basically slay myself with guilt and end up feeling overwhelmed. I overwhelm myself. hahaha. I am my own worst medicine. Now, not every day is like this. Oh no no! This is just something that I am realizing as I type. I have taken a sudden feeling, felt right here and now and decided to expand my thoughts upon it. As I sit in a room that grows darker as the sun sets, I have taken the moment to be in the moment with my thoughts. I didn't accomplish much today. I sent one email. I had a list of things that I could have been doing, but I didn't do any of them. I know that I am oh so incredibly blessed to be able to do just that. I won't be in this same exact season again in my life. So perhaps I'm not out of balance with this season and I only feel that way because I put the pressure on myself of what I feel like this season should look like for me? I'm still figuring it out. As long as I'm not sitting around everyday wondering where life is taking me without making any strides to seek out opportunities then perhaps I am doing exactly what I should be doing in this blessed season. 

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)

2014

2011

ACT I

ACT ONE

INT. BEDROOM – AFTERNOON 

FADE IN.

A very cozy GABRIELLE, 22, sits on her bed wrapped up in her quilt. She has just finished reading another chapter in one of the many books she is making her way through this fall. The room is lit by the her window with curtains and blinds drawn, and by her beloved, slightly worn and torn paper lantern lamp. Outside it is a perfectly gloomy day with grey skies and the feeling of a winter front on its way. GABRIELLE sits reflecting what she has read and some new things she has learned recently. She begins to type her thoughts down for those who follow her on blogger.

GABRIELLE (V.O.)

I need more eggnog. (she sighs and collects herself)  Last night I was sitting in Chipotle with my mother and decided to discuss something that I had been thinking about earlier that day. Every time I go to search for a job anxiety floods my system. My blood pressure raises, I know this because suddenly the whole room is ten degrees warmer than it just was. You might come to the conclusion that I am having anxiety because I am worried about my future and looking for a job brings about the worry of the unknown and the "what-ifs". I will have you know that this is just simply not the case. If it were the case then I would not only be having these anxious moments when I get online to search for job listings...I would be feeling like this constantly, it would always be on my mind. 

She gets up to open her window, sits back on her bed indian style and breathes in the cool breeze that is rustling the leaves in the street below.

GABRIELLE (CONT'D)

After taking some time to think about it I have come to the conclusion that not having structure to the job searching process is pretty much boiling my anxiety level. My profession requires a lot of creativity and I guess you could call it improvisation when it comes to searching for a job. If only they had a site called: www.igotmyfilmdegreefindmeajobinnonprofitsocialinjusticeadvocacy.com. & now I'm reminded of the state farm commercials "Insurance find me money!" Ha-Ha, Love those. So yes. I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety of starting the search new by day doesn't have a lot of structure to it. I am having to get creative with where I look and who I email. I'm really not worried about finding a job. There is one out there. It's for me and I am for it. I have come to realize over the past couple months that this time of me being home "searching for a job" couldn't be written about in a book entitled: I Moved Home & Searched For A Job. If anything, it could be called all of these: 

I Moved Home &...

Rested

Traveled To My Second Home: Denton, Texas

Threw A Bridal Shower For My Best Friend

Spent Quality Time Re-Watching LOST With My Dad

Became Friends With My Little Sister

Started Running Again & Stopped Again & Started Again

Found A Church To Worship and Grow With

Went To California For A Weekend

Went to NYC For A Weekend

Started Reading For Pleasure

Stood As A Bridesmaid In Two Best Friends Weddings

Wrote Letters To Loved Ones Afar

Traveled To My Third Home: St. Augustine, Florida

Became An Overcomer

Started A Blog About This New Season

Started To Learn More About Myself

Continued To Grow

Started To Learn More About God

I Moved Home & All These Things

Maybe it would be entitled "I Moved Home &" and all of the above would be my chapters. Kind of an interesting idea. This is totally out of screenplay formatting now but I'm rollin' with it. Breakin' the rules! I'm a rebel.

She picks up her book to remind herself of what she wanted to write about next.

GABRIELLE (CONT'D)

Oh! Yes. Act II.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

I think I may have said this in my last post but I have come to the realization that this season is a season in which my heart is being ministered to. Heart Ministry. I like that saying. It's amazing to me to think back about 5 years ago and see what all has occurred in my life over the span of 5 years. Not only graduating high school and college and joining the real world on a hunt for a job but also the conditions my heart and spirit have been in over the years. I kinda want to laugh out loud right now but I am sitting in a Starbucks with people all around me and I may get some funny looks.

Now it's time for real moments with Gabrielle, the part of the blog where Gabrielle comes out and shares a real moment:

Now this real moment kinda ties into what I wrote in my last blog post. For any who haven't read the last one... #1. um why haven't you? #2. I mainly talked about the challenge I have accepted to accept that I am created the way I am for a reason. I have a double major for a reason. I am living at home with my parents for a reason. God has purpose and I shouldn't be discouraged when I see others working and fulfilling their dreams. Their dreams may not always be my dreams and their talents are not always the same as my own. I am unique. You are unique and we all have different purposes and plans. How wonderful to think that God has a specific and unique plan for everyone! No one is the same. What's not to love about that!? Your plan and my plan are exclusive to us individually. SO yeah. That's basically what I talked about and expanded on my struggle with that in the past years. Soooo... I'm reading this other book. Not the book I quoted in my last post. I am reading two books and the book I picked up to read today I haven't read since I left for one of my best friends weddings in FL. Todays chapter (I'm pleased to say I am on chapter 7! That's quite an accomplishment for me!) is entitled "Green with Envy." God's got something to say to me and I'm listening. (Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel)

Our Friend So-crates says this: "Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the beginner of secret sedition and the perpetual tormentor of virtue. Envy is the filthy slime of the soul; a venom, a poison, or quicksilver which consumeth the flesh and drieth up the marrow of the bones." 

Basically:

Envy = Daughter of Pride

Envy = Author of Murder

Envy = Author of Revenge

Envy = Tormentor of Virtue

Envy = Slime of Soul

Envy = Venom

Envy = Poison

Envy = Consumes

Envy = Dries Up Bones (like cancer)

Envy... yeah. Not a cool thing. Yet we all struggle with it. I shared how I struggled with my discontent in who I was, what I know, and where I am in life. What's the opposite of Envy? Give you one guess........... Thankfulness. Hey! Guess what!? It's November!!! Isn't thanksgiving next week or something? Yeah. Secret (last week I though it was this week). 

We should be thankful of what we have whether it is material or immaterial. "When we see God's goodness in the lives of others, we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel resentful." -Soul Detox 

Real moment with Gabrielle. I felt a little hurt and resentful when my internship fell through back in January. Long story short... I got an internship that would turn into a job by May. I was going to be associate producing a new documentary with an amazing team. After the first week of my internship went by I was informed that the documentary was no longer and my "boss" was getting married instead. I rejoiced with her and had peace about it until later on when I came to the end of my internship and all I had done was collect 90 pages of research and turned it in to complete a credit. I felt like I missed out on learning a lot and developing more of my craft. Then come to find out that my "boss" joined another team across the country, didn't get married and is successful and traveling and living the dream. I dealt with some hurt which turned into resentfulness and a little bit of envy. I didn't understand why it happened. Why I didn't start traveling the world and raising awareness for the causes I care about and the people I care about even more. I didn't understand why I had to go home. I didn't understand why I am where I am in life. Seriously. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Today I read a status update from my friend and former internship "boss" and it talked about how excited she is to be traveling and making a documentary on slavery. I thought to myself before reading it that I probably shouldn't read it because then I would become upset but I read it anyway and you know what... I'm not upset. I'm excited for her. I'm excited to see what comes of what she is doing. We are working for the same cause... well... she's working right now and someday I will be too! I have done little things here and there for advocating against social injustice and now's a time to learn some new stuff. Now is a time that my heart is being ministered to. Now is a time that I am realizing where my heart needs some work. To be thankful for all things. To be thankful in all times. To be expectant of Glory to come. Today is one of the first days where I haven't been sick to my stomach when I start to think about my future and the present. 

"If the grass is greener in someone else's yard, maybe it's time you watered your own. How long has it been since you've taken stock of what God's given you and said "Father, thank you"?" - Soul Detox

"When we look at other people comparatively and competitively, we're not seeing them as our brothers and sisters. We're not loving them more than we love ourselves, and we're definitely not seeing them as God sees them." - Soul Detox

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Soul Detox

Another challenge to process and act on. Let me be clear about the above real moment I shared... I don't sit around and pout or think about how I loathe being where I am right now or resent what other people are doing but when I am feeling discouraged it's where the enemy attacks. I am closing the door on those open targets and God is making my heart a bit more peaceful which does wonders for my anxiety levels - go figure! haha 

That's it for now! God Speed Friends!

Slap Bet

If you are familiar with or are a regular follower of the How I Met Your Mother series you might be familiar with the term "slap bet." For those who don't follow the series or haven't heard of this term, it refers to an bet made between Barney and Marshall in the series. The winner of the bet would win the slap bet therefore giving the winner rights to give a slap across the face of the loser as hard as he can muster. At any given time. Painful? Yes. I would think so.

So now you ask why I may have brought up such a term? Well, this is the best example I can give to describe how I have felt at different times in my spiritual walk. Most of the time I don't see it coming...a convicting slap to the face. Although it may not impact me physically, it hurts just as bad if not worse than being physically slapped across the face.

Now to tell you how this happened. Just this morning I was reading a book I just started by Craig Groeschel called "Altar Ego." I am a couple chapters in...in fact, I just finished chapter two this morning, so that is very accurate. Today's chapter is called "you are God's masterpiece" and the quote that follows says: "When Love and Skill work together, expect a masterpiece." ––John Ruskin. So I'm reading and Craig talks about how "God created every individual with purpose, God is constantly molding us into His masterpiece, He saved us so we could bring glory to Him and make a difference in the world, you as an individual are divinely inspired and it wasn't by chance or accident that you were made the way you are." Yup. Yup. Things that many of us have heard before, things I know I have heard before. It's always nice to be reminded, it definitely takes the pressure off of me as an individual that I am constantly putting on myself to be or do. But, those things are not what resonated with me today.

Here comes the slap! I'm reading, I'm reading and then WHAM! Ouch.

Ready? Read the following:

"Out of all the nearly infinite possibilities, there was no better time for you to be born with your unique gifts, talents, skills, and personality. God knew you before you were, and He put you right where He wanted you." 

Keep goin...

"Because we have not grasped who we are, we work hard to focus on all the things we are not. Consequently, we are not living out of our true purpose; no wonder we're frustrated."

There's more...

"You are God's masterpiece. Wouldn't it make sense to ask God what you should do with your life? ... Your purpose is far beyond this life... As God's masterpiece, called to do his good works in a way that is all your own, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose...He doesn't ask people to do something then realize later that they weren't equipped to do it."

Oh, it get's better...

"...some people have something I call "masterpiece envy."...when we compare ourselves with each other, we are not wise. Instead we should be focusing on the unique ways that God created us. We say, "I wish I could do that!" Instead, we should be discovering and acknowledging those things we can do. What are the things you can do that other people cant? God has given you everything you need to do everything that he wants you to do."

#thestruggleisreal

"Other people were created to do those things, and it's my great joy to let them live out the talents God made them for. Stop focusing on the things you can't do. Turn your attention to the things you can do... Start meditating on the truth about you: "I am the masterpiece of God. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. I already have everything I need to do everything God wants me to do."

And the cherry on top...

"You are who you are –– You are where you are –– because He set you on this path, plotted this course for you."

I'm still feeling the sting of that convicting slap. Let's be real for a moment. Here I am, where I am...a college graduate with two degrees, living at home with the parents, searching for a job and in the meantime not working a part time job. The struggle is real as I mentioned above, for many reasons. The struggle is real because I am used to being busy. I am used to piling my to do list high with commitments. I am used to going from one activity to the next. I am used to multi tasking. I have experienced what it is like to overcommit and I have suffered the consequences. You may think I am lazy for not having a job at the same time as searching for a full time position. Well, I am not necessarily doing what I am doing because that is what I want to do. God is teaching me to rest. He is teaching me to be patient (so hard!). He is teaching me to walk in faith. He is teaching me to trust. He is teaching me about myself and He is ministering to my heart through people, events and time spent with Him. I have been very blessed to be in a season like this although it has been hard because I am going against the only grain I have known in my life. Heck! I worked 3 jobs this summer, coordinated, attended and did hair for weddings and made time for fun with friends, then drove 31 hours home and stopped! Talk about a shock to your system! There is so much I have been learning and I know it is only the tip to the iceberg. 

I have come face to face with the reality that I doubt my training and preparation for the future dreams God has placed on my heart. In other words, at the time I didn't realize it, but I was really doubting the plan that God had for my last 4 years. I started thinking of all the things I could have or should have done. I thought about how I double majored and didn't just focus on one ability or strength in my life to master in. I've been thinking about how every job I have been looking into everyone wants an expert in one area. I have more strength in certain areas than others but I don't think that there is one thing I have mastered in. The reality that I have been shoving aside is that it's ok. There is a plan far greater for me than my own for myself. 

Like Craig said in his book: "what is it that you can do that others cannot?" Well, I know I have been told before, but I chose not to accept the words given to me till now... Not everyone can be so versatile. I am a flexible and versatile person. I can do many things well but I haven't mastered at one thing. Honestly, I think if anyone thinks He has mastered at anything it is then that He has failed. There is always more to learn, there is always somewhere to grow and develop. God is the master designer, the master artist, the master creator, the all knowing and all encompassing. That's a very humbling way to think about things. No one is perfect, because only One is perfect and complete. For far too long I have compared my talents, skills, and personality with others. They have what they have to complete the plan and journey the road they are on, and I have what I need to journey the road I am on and complete the tasks that present themselves and ultimately bring glory to God through His masterpiece. The challenge is this: take everything I have just read, the realizations I have just had, and take that convicting slap across the face and change my mindset. Learn from it. Do not simply know it. Act on the wisdom that has presented itself. 

Challenge.... wait for it.... ACCEPTED! Challenge Accepted!

So here I am. Teach me what You have to teach me. Grow me. Stretch me. & If it means another convicting slap to the face, then so be it.