Back Seat Reflections

I’ve expressed before how I often times surprise myself with the wisdom that comes out of my mouth. A lot of times this happens when I am sitting down with a friend or my mentee and I am looking to encourage them or I’m asked to give my opinion on something. I came slumping into this current week off of the last week where I was left pretty emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. This past Saturday provided me with the opportunity to go to therapy…aka I got to hit the road to South Florida for 5 days. Travel may not always be cheaper than therapy, but for me it certainly seems to do the trick; and I quite enjoy getting to hit the road rather than laying on a fainting couch amidst all the junk I may be working through. I’m not running from problems but putting some space between myself and the place that often is associated with them. 

Usually I am on the road by myself and I have found that most of my travels provide me with the opportunity to gain a greater perspective on where I am in life and my spiritual walk. This time I hit the road with 4 of my co-workers for a conference in West Palm Beach, Florida. And the angel chorus sang. I had my hand at the wheel a couple times and then spent most of it as a passenger passing the time. I write to you from the backseat of a 7 passenger mini van, cruising 95N through North Carolina. The sky is a bit heavy in places and the trees line the left side of the highway as pastures line the right. I simply adore my time on the road, it’s the place where I can remember doing most of my daydreaming as a child. I wish it would rain so I could race raindrops down my window as I once did. 

I spent most of my time Sunday through Wednesday in sessions for work learning more about my place in higher education as an Christian Enrollment Counselor. I took the teachings as things that I could of course apply to my current work but also saw opportunity to take from these sessions tools and learns that I could use in the future for whatever I end up doing with my life. In my spare time I did some reading. I honestly wish working everyday was broken up into more than two parts of the day, before lunch, and after lunch. I think breaking up the day into sessions would make me a bit more productive and then maybe I could even suggest breaks for tea and coffee and maybe a good 30 minutes break for pleasure reading. Something to break up the monotonous schedule that is working in an office 8 to 5. 

I hit a break-through moment on Tuesday just around dinner time. After my last session of the day I gave my girl Kadi a call because I would be meeting up with her in Savannah, Georgia as we made our trek back to Virginia Beach. As we were catching up over the phone I told her that I felt like I was under some serious spiritual attack last week. (Side-note: Just got the most glorious whiff of burning brush…one of my favorite things). We talked more in depth about it but I will just skip to the conclusion I came to with the help of this beautiful friend of mine. I hadn’t given permission or space for failure in a certain area of my life. The usual assumption is for anything you want to be successful you need complete control or as much as possible to see that whatever it is becomes a success. If you are unsure of something wouldn’t you want to have as much control over it and it’s influencers as possible? Well, the hard part is when you try to control something that you can’t. This causes major anxiety because there’s no formula, there aren’t any guides or step by step instructions to guide you along. The unexpected will happen. It must. There’s no way to be fully prepared, and like I said in my last post, I wouldn’t want to live a life fully prepared. 

So here I am in the midst of the revelation that all of my anxieties I had were because I was trying to figure out how to fix something that’s not broken, prevent things I cannot foresee, mend the past when it’s long gone, or control something that is doing just fine on it’s own. BOOM. What. Yeah. Anxiety can influence one to take control, and it can become a result of the attempt. It’s pretty much something I think we all deal with at one point or another. This rings especially true for all those detail oriented and planning people out there. You know who you are. I know I am. Sometimes planning and details can get in the way of faith and I have definitely been challenged in this over the years. I have a pretty good grasp on not being able to control the future that is a year down the road or more but have more of that struggle of control over the present and closer future. Again, it all comes back to opportunity. This time, I’m sitting down to document my failure to fix, prevent, mend, and control which in turn will lead to stronger faith. I think I would rather have a faith that is stronger than my own control. 

Wars Waged Within

Let's be honest...or in this case, let me be honest. The past two days were pretty heavy. Isn't it funny that sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, when you start to come into realization of your freedom that's when something comes along to threaten it. Anxiety. Stress. Lies. They can be suffocating. I've heard it said before and was reminded this past week that "anxiety is selfish." I can see that. I can see where anxiety is an inward reflection on inner turmoil. It's a reflection on self and one's problems and or stressors. For myself and many others like me it is a battle of faith, it's a battle of trust. Anxiety is a battle. It's a war waged with yourself. But, I don't have to go into this battle alone. The flesh is weak which is why it's so easy to succumb to these things. I think most of my day yesterday was spent waging a spiritual battle of the heart and mind. The beautiful thing is that I am given the opportunity to make a decision. Heck! It's my very being! I made the decision to fight the battle rather than dwell in it. But, just because I decided to rise to the challenge doesn't mean everything changed all at once. It actually got harder when I chose to face it head on. There were points of weakness, points of breaking, and points of strength. Ultimately I know that because I have put my faith not in my own abilities but the Lord's strength to bring me through I know that I have come out on the other side and you know what...I. am. exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I am tired. Even though it has taken much energy out of me, and even though it's hard, I am called to face these challenges head on so that I can become stronger. I am learning. I am growing. It never ceases and thank the Lord that it doesn't! Peace has so much more value and beauty in my life because of the challenges I have faced and because of how I have seen the Lord redeem me from trial after trial. I don't have to live a life consumed. I choose to thrive, to grow vigorously and flourish! If that means that I undergo some pressure, if that means that I experience the process of refinement which makes things a bit uncomfortable then I am thankful still. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and to gain wisdom and ultimately come more into likeness of the Lord. A constant work in progress. That's what I am. I think I would be lost without something to strive for. I'm seeing these moments as opportunities and ultimately I know I will see the Lord's purpose in them. 

Woah... That Anxiety Though...

I kinda chuckle reading the title I just wrote for this post. I can't take too long to write but I need an outlet for some encouraging quotes of the day.

"Be quiet dear heart, breathe deep and long, soul, and find comfort in your God, who has gone before you in all things..."

"Tranquil stillness is the space in which our minds and bodies can finally reconnect with our spirits and give living water to our withered dreams."
-Whole Magazine (written by Sarah Dannemiller)

I may have had an anxiety attack at church last night...and by may...I mean I did. I laugh at it now I guess because I'd rather laugh than be serious about such a matter. Perhaps its how I am dealing with my stresses and anxieties lately. So the short story is that I was sitting there listening to a teaching on anxiety and stress, of course processing through my current stressors but my stresses as of recently have not manifested themselves in my typical way of experiencing stress. Rather, I have been quite calm. I realized that before I left Texas the way that I manage my stress has changed, and not because I made the conscious decision to change it, it just sort of happened. I don't feel stressed in the sense of being overwhelmed because generally I am excited about where I am and what I'm doing and what's coming. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that are weighing on me. I'm having to dig a little deeper to discover these things so that I can properly process them. I got an image the other day while in worship at my discipleship group called "Love Feast." Funny to me because I don't often get images like this and didn't understand it until I started writing it down. I then shared it with our group and Sara (our discipleship leader) asked for me to pray into it for us...which I have never done before. Anyway, this image was of a heart in the cavity of a chest covered in cobwebs. I can see it clearly in my mind even now. So first I was like...huh...weiiiird. I then decided I should write about it so I jotted down what I saw and meaning was revealed as I wrote.

This is what I wrote:

Cobweb heart- cobwebs...they're uncomfortable, basically invisible, and hard to get rid of but the Lord wants to help me wipe away the cobwebs that I may not be able o see or know are there to gain deeper access to my heart. Lord may I be sensitive to your spirit calling out the cobwebs over my heart and anxieties and fears and hardships and lies.

So I shared this and prayed into this for our group. Honest Gabe time... haha thank you Dan Jeter. All this anxiety and fear and all the lies began to surface during my trip to Tennessee this summer. I had a moment where I shared with my very dearest sister Brit that I felt people saw me as "this way" or "that way" or whatever it may be. She said, "Hon I think you are the one thinking those things about yourself, I don't think anyone thinks those things about you," and my friend Alex confirmed. I spent a very long 13 hour drive processing a lot and when I got home had a conversation with my girl Caron from Florida who put it bluntly because she had been struggling with the same thing. "Gabe, you aren't concerned about what others are thinking about you, these are things you are thinking about yourself and you are projecting those thoughts on other people." I think I may have shared this in a previous post in recent months...but there I was in a puddle of my own tears in my car...because she was right. I had been at war with myself struggling through my own self-defeat. Knowing that then I did spend some time with the Lord about it but I also had a lot of other things taking my attention so it kinda took the back burner.

Here I am now a couple months later and all around me the lessons and words are about anxiety. Leila (my friend and coworker) actually named the fat man that sits on my chest Roberto haha comedic relief. But, honestly, it really feels like I have a very heavy barbell laying on my chest that I don't have the arm strength to lift. When I got to Virginia I jumped right in, sink or swim. I haven't taken as much me time as I need and I'm realizing that I really need to take time to process because I haven't. I still have moments of realizing I live here and I have a big girl job and other major changes. It was a quick decision and quick following action to make the move and start a job two days after I got the offer. I haven't spent quiet time with God to process through everything I just jumped right in. So the good thing in all of this is that through it all I am realizing some important things. Thank God for realizations!

I completely uprooted myself when I left VB back in August of 2013. This is an opportunity to set new roots and lay a new foundation for my time back here for however long it may be. I'm not planning on going anywhere so it's important for me to be putting my roots in healthy soil. I have the knowledge to do so, so, come on Gabe get with it! haha

I need to work on my self-perception cuz it's not good. I think some old stuff has resurfaced as of recently that I have been freed from for years but they are coming back to taunt me as lies and I have been believing them. So there's that. I actually had a really good convo with an elder mentor from my church sunday morning at breakfast and we talked a bit about that. I'm so thankful for her. This is an area I will need to spend some time meditating on and praying about.

These are two major areas I need to work on and then there are all those others but it'd be a lot to talk about here.

Just some thoughts on where I am in life right now. It feels good to write again & now that I've hit the end of my lunch break I'm gonna get back to work. I start traveling October 1st! Say a little prayer for me as I hit the road! I'm super stoked.


Just some real moments, learning and growing with Gabe. Till next time...

   

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

All Wrapped Up

It's been almost a month since my last post! Oops! I'm about to get a bit heavy with this post so please pardon me but I will be saving some of my tales of my latest wonderful adventures for another post to come.

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Today is one of those days where I'm all wrapped up. It can be so easy to get all wrapped up in one area of your life where you fall short. Now I'm not saying that in all of my life I only have one area where I fall short, Lord knows I have plenty! What I am saying is that one short-coming can pick apart my heart. In my past I have let the short-comings and personal failures ravage my whole being. 

Worthless. Broken. Weak. Unworthy. Stupid. Lousy. Undisciplined. Unwise. Stuck. Lost. Selfish.

Disappointment in myself takes hold and begins to strangle. In my past I have given these short-comings the power to do some significant damage. An example of this from my past would be that I had given my short-comings so much control, so much power, that I had to leave work on a five minute break to have a panic attack. If you've not had the delight of experiencing a panic attack [sarcasm] the world goes blurry, you're straining to breathe, unable to stand, and sometimes you black-out. It's a very real wake up call to realizing that struggle has an unhealthy grasp on your life. All of life's current struggles have built up anxiety that basically runs your life. I have come a long way since those days but they still remain very real to me today and I'm thankful for that. If you will notice I mentioned that I had a "very real wake up call to realizing that struggle [had] an unhealthy grasp on [my] life..." that's because I believe in a healthy struggle, not just an unhealthy one. 

You Are Good When There's Nothing Good In Me

Each day, each week, each month, each year has it's challenges and with those challenges comes the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Here at the cross roads of success or failure. Will I overcome or be wiped out? Throughout this life I am guaranteed to disappoint others and myself with my own shortcomings because of the sin in my life. I've become more sensitive to the disappointment in self which has in turn led me to learn some hard but valuable lessons. Her I may be, wallowing in disappointment, shame even, for falling short of the life that God has called me to live. Barren and broken from bitterness, hate, idolatry, greed, and an unruly tongue. Wrapped up in one all-consuming struggle that it begins to break me down at my weakest points. Been hearing the phrase #thestruggleisreal lately? It's a very appropriate saying all around I think, although it is mostly used in a joking manner.  Really wanting to eat the whole pie...#thestruggleisreal ~ Homework out the wazoo...#thestruggleisreal ~ Disney or Universal?...#decisions #thestruggleisreal ~  To be or not to be...#thestruggleisreal ~ That Disney/Universal tweet is for my Florida followers you know who you are. ;] But on the serious, the struggle is real and the consequences are just the same. So knowing that I am guaranteed to fail at times, here I am with failure written all over me, yet a healthy sense of failure. I may be broken, I may have bruised my heels, I may have worn and torn my heart and mind but I am fighting. I have made a decision in the midst of s stormy day to conquer. The Lord has given me the freedom of choice, to choose to wallow in self pity or take up my cross and follow Him. This cross that bears my sin and shame I am choosing to surrender. I can't do it alone. Wallowing helps none. I recognize my struggle. I see my weakness. I take what could be an unhealthy encounter with short-comings and see the glory and grace that comes from it. Where I am weak He is strong. Where I struggle He stands firm. I won't conquer every challenge. It's not easy. I'm thankful to have seen the ocean like depths of God's grace for me, although to have experienced his deepest grace for me I was caught up in a current of hopelessness and depression. Waves of these deepest waters will cross my path at times reminding me of what those hopeless days felt like and reminding me of the decision I chose, when all felt lost, to fight. To take hold of the promises God has written in His word for His people. To let God reconstruct what I had broken. To redeem my self-worth. And to ultimately allow Him to show me how much I needed Him and how beautiful a life could be with restored hope and faith. So as today was a day where I found myself beginning to be consumed and all wrapped up in my failures I turned my focus to thankfulness. I am thankful to have the grace of a lifetime. I am thankful to have second chances, and third chances, and so on. I am thankful to have forgiveness and a God who is love. I am taking these struggles and out of them building strength. I am thankful for the realization that I don't have to face the future alone. I am humbled and indebted. I am sweetly broken. I am not letting myself get all wrapped up in the struggle but letting the struggle make me want to wrap myself up in His arms. Making the best of what could be an unhealthy situation and bringing truth to light.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Also, Definitely took me almost 4 hours to write this post. 

ACT I

ACT ONE

INT. BEDROOM – AFTERNOON 

FADE IN.

A very cozy GABRIELLE, 22, sits on her bed wrapped up in her quilt. She has just finished reading another chapter in one of the many books she is making her way through this fall. The room is lit by the her window with curtains and blinds drawn, and by her beloved, slightly worn and torn paper lantern lamp. Outside it is a perfectly gloomy day with grey skies and the feeling of a winter front on its way. GABRIELLE sits reflecting what she has read and some new things she has learned recently. She begins to type her thoughts down for those who follow her on blogger.

GABRIELLE (V.O.)

I need more eggnog. (she sighs and collects herself)  Last night I was sitting in Chipotle with my mother and decided to discuss something that I had been thinking about earlier that day. Every time I go to search for a job anxiety floods my system. My blood pressure raises, I know this because suddenly the whole room is ten degrees warmer than it just was. You might come to the conclusion that I am having anxiety because I am worried about my future and looking for a job brings about the worry of the unknown and the "what-ifs". I will have you know that this is just simply not the case. If it were the case then I would not only be having these anxious moments when I get online to search for job listings...I would be feeling like this constantly, it would always be on my mind. 

She gets up to open her window, sits back on her bed indian style and breathes in the cool breeze that is rustling the leaves in the street below.

GABRIELLE (CONT'D)

After taking some time to think about it I have come to the conclusion that not having structure to the job searching process is pretty much boiling my anxiety level. My profession requires a lot of creativity and I guess you could call it improvisation when it comes to searching for a job. If only they had a site called: www.igotmyfilmdegreefindmeajobinnonprofitsocialinjusticeadvocacy.com. & now I'm reminded of the state farm commercials "Insurance find me money!" Ha-Ha, Love those. So yes. I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety of starting the search new by day doesn't have a lot of structure to it. I am having to get creative with where I look and who I email. I'm really not worried about finding a job. There is one out there. It's for me and I am for it. I have come to realize over the past couple months that this time of me being home "searching for a job" couldn't be written about in a book entitled: I Moved Home & Searched For A Job. If anything, it could be called all of these: 

I Moved Home &...

Rested

Traveled To My Second Home: Denton, Texas

Threw A Bridal Shower For My Best Friend

Spent Quality Time Re-Watching LOST With My Dad

Became Friends With My Little Sister

Started Running Again & Stopped Again & Started Again

Found A Church To Worship and Grow With

Went To California For A Weekend

Went to NYC For A Weekend

Started Reading For Pleasure

Stood As A Bridesmaid In Two Best Friends Weddings

Wrote Letters To Loved Ones Afar

Traveled To My Third Home: St. Augustine, Florida

Became An Overcomer

Started A Blog About This New Season

Started To Learn More About Myself

Continued To Grow

Started To Learn More About God

I Moved Home & All These Things

Maybe it would be entitled "I Moved Home &" and all of the above would be my chapters. Kind of an interesting idea. This is totally out of screenplay formatting now but I'm rollin' with it. Breakin' the rules! I'm a rebel.

She picks up her book to remind herself of what she wanted to write about next.

GABRIELLE (CONT'D)

Oh! Yes. Act II.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE