All Wrapped Up

It's been almost a month since my last post! Oops! I'm about to get a bit heavy with this post so please pardon me but I will be saving some of my tales of my latest wonderful adventures for another post to come.

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Today is one of those days where I'm all wrapped up. It can be so easy to get all wrapped up in one area of your life where you fall short. Now I'm not saying that in all of my life I only have one area where I fall short, Lord knows I have plenty! What I am saying is that one short-coming can pick apart my heart. In my past I have let the short-comings and personal failures ravage my whole being. 

Worthless. Broken. Weak. Unworthy. Stupid. Lousy. Undisciplined. Unwise. Stuck. Lost. Selfish.

Disappointment in myself takes hold and begins to strangle. In my past I have given these short-comings the power to do some significant damage. An example of this from my past would be that I had given my short-comings so much control, so much power, that I had to leave work on a five minute break to have a panic attack. If you've not had the delight of experiencing a panic attack [sarcasm] the world goes blurry, you're straining to breathe, unable to stand, and sometimes you black-out. It's a very real wake up call to realizing that struggle has an unhealthy grasp on your life. All of life's current struggles have built up anxiety that basically runs your life. I have come a long way since those days but they still remain very real to me today and I'm thankful for that. If you will notice I mentioned that I had a "very real wake up call to realizing that struggle [had] an unhealthy grasp on [my] life..." that's because I believe in a healthy struggle, not just an unhealthy one. 

You Are Good When There's Nothing Good In Me

Each day, each week, each month, each year has it's challenges and with those challenges comes the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Here at the cross roads of success or failure. Will I overcome or be wiped out? Throughout this life I am guaranteed to disappoint others and myself with my own shortcomings because of the sin in my life. I've become more sensitive to the disappointment in self which has in turn led me to learn some hard but valuable lessons. Her I may be, wallowing in disappointment, shame even, for falling short of the life that God has called me to live. Barren and broken from bitterness, hate, idolatry, greed, and an unruly tongue. Wrapped up in one all-consuming struggle that it begins to break me down at my weakest points. Been hearing the phrase #thestruggleisreal lately? It's a very appropriate saying all around I think, although it is mostly used in a joking manner.  Really wanting to eat the whole pie...#thestruggleisreal ~ Homework out the wazoo...#thestruggleisreal ~ Disney or Universal?...#decisions #thestruggleisreal ~  To be or not to be...#thestruggleisreal ~ That Disney/Universal tweet is for my Florida followers you know who you are. ;] But on the serious, the struggle is real and the consequences are just the same. So knowing that I am guaranteed to fail at times, here I am with failure written all over me, yet a healthy sense of failure. I may be broken, I may have bruised my heels, I may have worn and torn my heart and mind but I am fighting. I have made a decision in the midst of s stormy day to conquer. The Lord has given me the freedom of choice, to choose to wallow in self pity or take up my cross and follow Him. This cross that bears my sin and shame I am choosing to surrender. I can't do it alone. Wallowing helps none. I recognize my struggle. I see my weakness. I take what could be an unhealthy encounter with short-comings and see the glory and grace that comes from it. Where I am weak He is strong. Where I struggle He stands firm. I won't conquer every challenge. It's not easy. I'm thankful to have seen the ocean like depths of God's grace for me, although to have experienced his deepest grace for me I was caught up in a current of hopelessness and depression. Waves of these deepest waters will cross my path at times reminding me of what those hopeless days felt like and reminding me of the decision I chose, when all felt lost, to fight. To take hold of the promises God has written in His word for His people. To let God reconstruct what I had broken. To redeem my self-worth. And to ultimately allow Him to show me how much I needed Him and how beautiful a life could be with restored hope and faith. So as today was a day where I found myself beginning to be consumed and all wrapped up in my failures I turned my focus to thankfulness. I am thankful to have the grace of a lifetime. I am thankful to have second chances, and third chances, and so on. I am thankful to have forgiveness and a God who is love. I am taking these struggles and out of them building strength. I am thankful for the realization that I don't have to face the future alone. I am humbled and indebted. I am sweetly broken. I am not letting myself get all wrapped up in the struggle but letting the struggle make me want to wrap myself up in His arms. Making the best of what could be an unhealthy situation and bringing truth to light.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Also, Definitely took me almost 4 hours to write this post.