Double Post Day? Say What?

Yes. That's right folks. Two posts in one day! Say it ain't so. But it is...so don't say that. Speaking of music, if you read my last post. You ever feel like you could just spend the afternoon or evening laying on the floor with music spinning. It's a very real way of feeling for me. I remember specifically 2 years ago on a warm Texas spring day processing some heartbreak. I will always love City & Colour for the way it fills me and helps me to process emotion. I opened my window, laid on my bed, stared up at my ceiling fan and processed specific parts of the previous 7 years. There was a lot of letting go. There were a lot of dead and dying dreams...hopes. Seasons were changing. They always were. It was a slow change but came to a significant climax. I'm thankful for the ability to process. A lot of my processing is no longer talking through pain but feeling through it, letting it go, and deciding to grow from it. Maybe it's this stormy tornado weather that has me feeling like I just need to go spin some vinyl, open my windows to smell the rain, and lay on my bed in silence. Sounds like a dream to me right now. 

Photo by Luke Rieke (February Snowpocalypse 2015)

Just A Quick Little Morning Jot

There's a lot around here in my life that's movin' and groovin'. Thankfully travel season is pretty much over for anything farther than local cities! My last trip to Baltimore was wonderful. A good wrapping up of the season for sure. It seems as though with the change of the weather comes life with it's own changes and beginnings. This morning is was the coldest morning we have had here yet in the good ol' 757. A crisp 34 degrees. My housemate and I started a new morning routine which puts us up before the sun at 6 a.m. The great thing is that I feel so productive and alive! Let's hope I feel that way next week. Other exciting things are on the horizon as it comes to things that are movin' in life. From wedding coordinating, to justice creative initiative projects, to meetings with my beautiful mentee, to progressing in my rock climbing, to bridesmaid responsibilities for a wedding in the Midwest, to all my little creative side projects and future planning... More details in months to come. Oh!! And I get a bed this week!! Exciting adulting things. Guys, I just can't wait to sleep in it...or maybe jump on it. Ya know. Break it in.

This is a brief update on just general life things. It may not seem like much but it's all filling me up. I feel alive. I feel like myself which is a beautiful thing. I'm going to keep writing about Storyline but I gotta take care of a few things before I do. Especially since I'm still doing my own personal processing.

For now, I leave you with this. Morning's deserve a little inspiration & beauty.

- - Sweetly - -

Gabrielle

Storyline Reflections // Part 2

I don't know where to start. I've been sitting in this coffee shop since 3pm...current time 6:30pm. I felt the inspiration. It's one of those feelings I get in my chest. I can't explain it other than it's like I start to lead from that part of my being. Everyone leads with a specific part of their body. It tells you a lot about that person and a lot about what kind of day they are having or what season of life they are in. Well, I'm supposing the only way to begin to know what to write is to just start writing. 

I think I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the things I want to share. Sharing life with others is a huge part of who I am. It's a daily desire. It comes from my chest, a physical feeling that pulls. I often have to subdue the need to jump the gun and pace myself in my sharing. I'm always conditioning my listening ears and receptive heart. It's a process.

Having a whole half journal full of notes I'm finding it hard to cut down to just the most important things. I don't record things that I don't find important or applicable. Any attempt to explain my experience at Storyline will always fall short. So before I attempt to share my experience I'd like to set the stage for you. I want to share where I found myself before the conference because I think it has significant value to the greater impact and purpose behind my attendance. I will say this, I'm very particular about what I write in my journals. I don't start writing unless I feel like I have given the journal a purpose and future. I almost didn't start writing till Day 1 of sessions and breakouts. I'm so glad I didn't wait.

(the following is an excerpt from the very first pages of my journal)

W E D N E S D A Y

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––November 4th 2015––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Let's begin here. Seat 8F. Window. We've departed Norfolk Intl. My connection is in Charlotte, NC and then it's on to Chicago, IL.   I'm on my way to Storyline Conf. The conference was born out of the dreams of Donald Miller who wrote "Blue Like Jazz" and most recently "Scary Close." I have such a strong admiration and connection with his works that I started reading some of his articles on Storyline Blog. (Insert Side Note: My overhead light just went out...it's 8pm...I kinda need that. Good thing I have a whole row to myself––middle seat lamp it is!) Anyway, I decided back in September that I wanted to attend the Storyline Conference that is held in Chicago every year. My boss approved my time off, the Lord blessed me with the funds, I bought my ticket and blinked. Here I am...flying on my own...to Chicago, IL. 

Honestly, I don't really know what to expect. In a way I think I have an advantage going into the conference a bit unaware. It'll leave me with room to discover. If anything, I do feel that the word 'discovery" is a foreshadowing of what a lot of my experience at this conference will be. I'm open for impression. I'm anxious out of pure heart. My Spirit is prayerful that God will reveal Himself and will impress His heart upon mine. 

Key things I know about the conference are as follows: We'll be talking about dreams, telling our stories, and hearing dreams and stories. We'll "leave with a life plan." Doesn't sound too bad to me! I'm excited to learn. I'm excited to dialogue. I'm excited to meet new people and hear their stories. Maybe make a few friends? I'm confident that my attendance at Storyline is with purpose. The purpose will reveal itself in due time. 

• Gabrielle •

on the plane to chitown

Dear Self,

I had this great moment sitting here at work during my lunch hour...I stumbled across my old Tumblr blog. I visited my page and found the following photo I took of a passage in a book I was reading:

A year ago I posted the above to my blog. I read over it now and find that it resonates so much with some things I've been talking with the Lord about over the last couple weeks. Trust. It hits home in quite a few areas of life right now. It's kind of beautiful to reflect on where I was a year ago and how much has happened and how far I have come since. I had this awesome moment of thinking on how I might start writing to myself each month. One letter a month for a year. Next year I can read the letter from that month the year before. I think it would be an awesome testament to life. It brings about thankfulness and humility and can be super encouraging. So I may start with this month and see where it takes me. I may even invest in a new journal!! Watch out Barnes & Noble I'm coming for you! If you know me I am a journal and stationary freak. I can get lost in those sections for dayyyys. So here's to the beginning of something...

Dear Self...

Gabrielle

To Be Seen

"I've forgotten how to be photographed," I said. "...I think you've forgotten how to be seen..." she replied.

R O O F T O P S

That Spark

One of my soul friends wrote something that touched my core today. Uncomfortably so...and I'm glad. This is my heart in words. I shared with her that it captivated me and she responded with "...then this is for you and also me. A love letter to every moment... May they be used to hand make our futures!! xoxo..." I feel that there's so much within this love letter. I'll be meditating on this one for quite some time. Have a read. Let it resonate where it will. & then go check out her website! She's most incredibly talented in her photography, her art, her writings and she's published!

We are all looking for that spark,
that one idea,
that one decision,
that will revolutionize our world.
Our spirit.
Our relationships.
Our career.
When we find that spark,
we start making choices.
New choices.
Different choices than before.
We grow immensely or heal rapidly.
That spark is the one that lights the inner fire.
The thing about a spark is in the presence of void it has no power.
Substance and Being must be Present.
The spark must have something to light....Which means that this spark changes your world only when you have a world to change.
A culmination of everything you have learned up until this moment is set in motion.
Set ablaze.
Each shift, each opening has prepared the ground for harvest,
Each log and leaf prepares for the roaring fire.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship.
Quitting that job you hate.
Going to therapy.
Moving on. Or up. Or too.
Starting your dream project.
Having this baby.
Saying yes to whatever you said no to before when you were too scared.
All are big shifts.
But really they are a culmination of little shifts,
little shifts that have been opening ones soul for the leap.
Which is to say:
all of life matters.
The small connections.
The little sentences of inspiration.
That act of kindness.
That act of grace.
That act of selflessness.
The choice to remain present.
The choice to love yourself anyway.
To keep getting up and trying.
Each moment matters if you want the spark that will change your world.
Because it's all tinder.
You won't know which day brings the big change to your door.
But it will come.
It always does to those who collect stick by stick,
moment by moment, placing them together as an altar.
Prepare and gather enough to withstand the hours and seasons of waiting.
So when the spark comes... the fire will roar.
The fire won't die out.
The fire will burn all that does not belong.
www.aglobalwalk.com (Ashley Fincham)

Accompanying Photo By Ashe Arends Photography

Expect the Unexpected

There's really no way to prepare for the unexpected. How could you know how to prepare for the unexpected when it is not yet known? So why even take the time to say that we should expect the unexpected. I suppose it's because the only preparation we can make for anything unexpected is to have open expectation, to be willing to take on whatever may come.

expect [ik-spekt] 

verb (used with object)

1.

to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the  coming of:

I expect to read it. I expect him later. She expects that they will come.

2.

to look for with reason or justification:

We expect obedience.

3.

Informal. to suppose or surmise; guess:

I expect that you are tired from the trip.

4.

to anticipate the birth of (one's child):

Paul and Sylvia expect their second very soon.

To be expectant is to look forward to, to suppose, to anticipate. But none of these things necessarily equate to preparation itself. Preparation is a whole thing in itself but we often pair preparation with expectation like a good glass of wine and fine cheese. I think what I am learning about expectation is that there really is no way to be fully prepared. Especially when on this tiny planet we call The World, living this little thing we call Life.

Life is ever changing and surprising. If we stop to think about it, we live our lives by expectation everyday, preparing as much as we can for what we know the day may hold, and supposing the rest by what information we can gather and piece together for the endless possibilities. I think I have just come to the realization that if I had to choose to live my life one way or another I would probably choose to live an expectant life rather than a life fully prepared. My adventure heart-strings and wanderlust spirit would die within me if I lived a life fully prepared. Now, don't get me wrong, for those of you who know me you know that I am a planner. I am all about the details. But, there is something beautiful about the big picture that I am still learning about. I think my spirit ultimately longs to embrace the big picture. It's exciting! It's inviting! It's adventure calling! There has to be a healthy mix for everyone. I can only imagine the stress and anxiety that some people suffer when they are stuck in a planned and prepared lifestyle, and when I say this I mean to reference to extreme planning and preparing. Cinematically I can imagine a story about a mid-twenty something female who is obsesses over having the planned and prepared life. Only to find that everything that can "go wrong" does, because it's not within her plans or control. Yet, they are only wrong because it's "not a part of the plan." The sad part of it all is that these unexpected happenings could be beautiful, or are, but she is so blinded by her own control that she can't see it. 

I do not want to be the embodiment to this somewhat fictional character. I want to learn to accept change and the unexpected with grace. I want to be able to have peace when a curve ball is thrown my way. I want to be excited about the possibility ahead rather than worried about details of the now and to come. I want to choose that when things happen they are in perfect timing. What a sad life it would be to come to the end of it and realize that it was all about me. What a meaningless life it would be to live it knowing that I was in control of everything and everyone. We would have no sense of accomplishment. No sense of achievement. We wouldn't grow. Simply, we would exist to keep going till we can't anymore, and I don't want that. 

So here we are encouraged to expect the unexpected and this is the first time I have thought about this in-depth. I am hoping that all of these words I just exploded on the page are making sense. I'm coming to the conclusion that being expectant doesn't mean that you have to be prepared. There is movement in our culture to "plan for the unexpected" but I honestly don't think that it's possible to live that way. You can't plan for the unexpected because all we can plan for is what we know may be possible and those are not unexpected things. It's a life lived by faith. It's a life lived in trust. It's a life lived by expectation. It's living a life open to "come what may."

The Follow Through (Also Known As: The Longest Post Known To Man)

Oof. What a post title, yeah? This post is brought to you by the ever growing me, and my phone conversation I had with a one Miss Sarah Grice earlier this afternoon.

So I am out on the road again, and whereas, I thought this trip was going to be one that would be difficult to make, mainly because there's so much going on back home and planning a week of travel amongst it all seemed insane! I am actually not ready to come home. I left early Tuesday morning and have plans to return home Saturday evening...which is tomorrow. There is so much goodness that has come from this trip I am not sure I am prepared to go home and face the challenges that are set before me. This isn't because I feel that I am incapable of facing them or I fear that I will not succeed, it's just that there is so much that the Lord is doing in me and through me out here that I want to glean everything I can from the Father. I'm about to get real honest here so bear with me.

I hit my final breaking point Monday night. I think I cried harder than I have in an entire year. What's ironic is that a year ago around this very time I hit a very similar breaking point. I mourned, and processed, and gave myself a limit of one night. The next morning I arose to take on the journey ahead claiming freedom over my heart and persevering through the storm. A year ago a relationship that was so unhealthy for me finally broke. My heart wept unceasingly for several hours. The funny thing is that I was never in a romantic relationship with this best friend of mine, yet, I felt the deepest pain as a part of myself died that night. We must die to self in order to fully live. So in reality I didn't lose any part of me, I only lost the part of myself that wasn't meant to be there. Does that make sense? I am separating 'self' from 'me' because 'self' is selfish and 'me' is everything that I am at the very root of my being, it's how I was born. Anyway, that's a whole post in itself. Moving forward...

Here I am almost exactly a year later experiencing similar mourning. I cannot believe that an entire year has flown by. I have this wonderful guy friend that popped up out of the blue and our relationship just grew. I won't press much into detail out of respect for him and myself but as you can imagine we became rather fond of each other over the course of a year. Well, we ended up back in the same city and that's when things started to weigh on me. A month went by before I decided that my heart needed clarification on our future. He was incredibly honoring and respectful. I questioned whether I was deserving of that kind of treatment because all I had ever know was exactly opposite of that. It was wonderful and yet it softened my heart even more towards him. As it came to be, we didn't make plans to further our relationship that day. I had peace. I was, and still am, excited about what the Lord is doing in both of our lives--of course that doesn't make it easy. But, that's not what I want to talk about here. This is not some post to talk about why things happened the way they did, or what I had hoped for. The decisions that were made were wise and I respect them for both our counts.

Emotional investment is probably one of the deepest and most pure parts to my nature. Perhaps it's that "Davison gene" in my body that has me tied to another humans heart like a string on a kite. There's something that grabs hold of me as I interact with other people. My heart automatically takes on an advocacy role. I want to be 'for you' just as the Lord is. I want to stand by your side and lift you up. I want to help you carry the burden. I want you to know that you are seen. My heart is for you and sometimes that's the most beautiful thing we can offer to a friend; it's a part of our heart that shares in grief or joy or uncertainty, my heart breaks for what breaks yours. Because whatever it is...if it is important to you, it's important to me, because you are important to me. So here's where I get myself in some trouble. Emotional boundaries are not my forté. I'm learning this. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially with how I am learning it, but I am grateful.

I am an actress. I am an entertainer. I am a girl. All of these things contribute to one very emotional...sometimes over-emotional...23, going on 24, year old girl. I'm not one much with words in person, but I have more emotions than sometimes I know how to handle myself. With all this said, I have realized that although the decision was made to not invest in each other in a sense of furthering a romantic relationship I never separated my emotions from the relationship. Why would I need to? I ask myself. I'm perfectly fine with how things are going. We are still good friends...I'm only sharing the part of my heart that I would share if it were anyone. Wrong. It's quite a bit harder to come back from a relationship that was headed towards being a full on romantic relationship than it is if that line had never been crossed. There's a special part of my heart--and I have written on this before--that so desires to be selfless with someone, to advocate for someone, to push them towards their dreams. I had started to share that part of my heart, that part of me that I should have been more guarded with.

Perhaps, without meaning to, we often take from people we shouldn't be taking from without realizing it. Maybe we desire the affirmation and the encouragement. Perhaps, we don't know that we are taking what is not rightly ours...or...perhaps we do. Whatever the case may be, it's not only on the shoulders of the one doing the taking, but just as well it is on the shoulders of the one who isn't guarding against the taking. This could be within the scope of family relationships, friendly relationships, and romantic relationships. In my case as of current it's within a what could have been a romantic relationship. Emotional ties are hard to break and take probably the longest to heal. I've never before experienced emotionally what I have over the past months, and I don't mean the kind of emotions. I mean to say that I hadn't made the disconnect that I needed to in order to move forward and allow my heart to heal like it should. I left my emotions vulnerable and open for the taking and I willingly lent them and gave them away. That sounds so dramatic...but I mean...come on...we are taking about emotions here. I had not set my boundaries like I should. I found myself feeling defeated and didn't understand why I felt this way when everything was good, it was all right. I wasn't heading the caution that I should have. It's o.k. though. I don't regret giving what I have. I only now know what I should do in the future. I feel honored to have been a part of sharing in those parts of life with someone. I feel thankful to have been able to be selfless with someone and to care for someone as I have. I know that I can be, in that capacity, for someone, someday, and you know what? They will be too, and it will be beautiful.

I'm currently sitting in a local Blacksburg coffee shop that a friend recommended to me..(thanks Nathan!)...and I am thinking on the past few days on the road. No, not Jack Kerouac's version of On the Road but my own adventure as it is. I spent some time with a dear friend of mine watching planes land at a local Lynchburg regional airport over cups of starbies. I think we sat there for 4 hours. I have to mention that before this we had lunch at a mexican restaurant and I have come to the conclusion that if I am ever needing a confidence booster I should get mexican because those guys think they are so charming getting their flirt on with all the ladies...I'll take it. ;) Back to the airport!

We sat there for 4 hours and talked, and sang, and talked, and just enjoyed each other's company. My dear Jordan is soon leaving on a big jet plane for probably one of the biggest steps in her young adult life and I'm so very excited for her! So we talked a bit about that, and then she asked me about the dream that I have that is mine. Now I know when people ask me what I want to do in my life what my answer is and that answer is about partnering with people...but it's funny that she asked me about the dream that will be mine to pursue because I have thought about this here and there. I'm thinking and realizing that maybe the Lord will have me take a dream head on and lead on this one. That's kinda a scary thought. I think over the course of my years in college I thought more about joining with people in a movement rather than starting a wave myself. Now, this is about as far as I have come in my thoughts on this but I do want to start praying about this. I know that I won't be left without answers...and that's what scares me a bit. I am working on following through on what I know I should do, but struggle to. I'll procrastinate a bit...test the waters a bit...look it over a bit...hold on to what I already know a bit...when really I just need to do it. It's easy to say you will do something...the follow through is what counts. Ahhh. Now we get to the subject title! I am working on following through on putting up boundaries where they are needed within my relationships and pursuing the things I know I should, those foundational absolutes I talked about a couple posts ago. I had a conversation with my dear Sarah Grice today about following through on what we know we should do...but I am selfish and I just want to keep doing life the way I'm doing it becausssseee it's hurting me? No. Wait. What? That doesn't make sense; but does the heart ever? I'm definitely laughing to myself right now.

So I made this hike a couple days ago. Four miles out to McAfee Knob and four miles back to my car. I hiked this alone. Well over an hour out to the scenic overlook and over an hour back to my car. Probably not the smartest or safest thing to do but I am so glad I did it. It was difficult at parts. My heart raced. I glistened (that's a nice way for saying I was sweating). I jogged for stints and walked for others. In all this time I thought about a lot of things. It really did a number for my heart. Heartbreak needed to be worked out and I got my silent time with the Lord and nature. My friend Sara calls me a naturalist; that is the sense that I see God in nature and always meet Him there. I experience the Lord in the purest way I can, in the most tangible way I can, here on this earth. So I walked and talked with God and reached the top and the second I overlooked the scene before me my heart stopped. "Oh my, Lord." I exclaimed aloud. I stood in awe. I quickly asked a group of guys who were just leaving the top to snap a couple photos for me. Two minutes later they were gone and it was just me and creation. I was lightheaded, probably because of the elevation but also because I was overcome. I stood there, then I sat there, and audibly gave the Lord praise for His handiwork. I opened up my arms and I let go. I released so many things on that mountain top. I laughed and I cried. I sang and I shouted. I took in as much as I could as the sun began to do it's little dance heading down the western part of the hemisphere. I took the deepest of breaths and said goodbye to the moment promising to forever cherish it.

I got back to my car and for the first time in quite a while...I felt free. I carry this with me now and I pray I don't forget. Of course I guess I could always reflect back on this post as a reminder but I have committed to do my best at following through. Whether that is with placing boundaries where they need to be placed, praying about the things I should be praying about, or focusing on those foundational absolutes. I want to follow through. I want to be not one of just words, but also one of corresponding and echoing action.

Simply,

Gabrielle

**One other learn I gleaned from my trek the other day...as I was walking I could take a bit to look around but I really had to pay attention to my footing. A metaphor arose as I thought about how there were moments when I could look up and walk comfortably and moments when I continually had to look down for each step--which was most of the time--this is a part of the Appalachian trail in the Blue Ridge that we are talking about. But, I was reminded through thinking about this that sometimes God allows us to see a bit ahead, but then most times we have to only focus on the steps he has given us just before us or else we might lose our footing, and sprained ankles hurt!! I can testify I have had more than my fair share! So right now, and I think this goes for most of us in our 20's I can see the couple steps in front of me as they are given. If I dare look too far ahead or try to I may end up missing my step and each step is a crucial one.

Not A Valentines Post

Well my friends it's February. I guess I've missed a month of blogging but that doesn't mean I can't start now! So here we go. At least two posts a month. That's my goal. Keep me accountable will ya? ;)

Here's a little dose of what has been on my mind lately. I'm doing some re-evaluating of my time and how I am spending it and where I am spending it and why. Something that I have been trying to be better at is being intentional with people. I'm not sure that I shared that here in my blog at any point in past months, so, if I haven't, basically I have been wanting to not only say I am going to do something but also follow through on those things. A lot of it comes down to my relationships. I don't want to just say that I would like to get coffee with you but I am going to say it and mean it. It can become hard when you walk into a local shop here in Virginia Beach so close to the university I not only attended, but also now work full time at ,because I am bound to see not only one person I know but probably a couple. So basically I am expanding my being intentional with people to also being intentional with my time. 

So what's that look like? Well, I have my absolutes that I am needing to focus on first and then build on those from there. Last semester I dove in head first to my job, small groups, church, and extra curriculars. Let's just say that it was a lot. Especially after spending most days by myself in Texas over the past year. That year went quick. 7 months of being back in Virginia Beach has gone quick. Life is speeding up I swear. So my absolutes are as follows: 

• Personal with the Lord - Daily Manna. Plain and simple. Not saying that time with the Lord is plain and simple. You get what I mean. :) It's an area that needs some work in my life since I moved back to Virginia. It was so easy being home, waking up at 930am and starting my day with the Lord. Now with a full time job and other responsibilities it's a bit harder and so I'm learning. Not failing. Learning, growing, and challenging myself in this new season. 

• Wednesday nights I go to a discipleship group called "Love Feast" - So this group is a group I attended last semester and that's how I met my mentee! (no not manatee) I really get to glean a lot from Sara who is a friend of mine who leads the group and her husband Mike (also a friend of mine) who is a part of my "family group." I feel like a mentor or someone to look up to within my family which is kind of neat. It also makes me more aware that I am being watched. I think it's a really good environment for me to be in. 

• Friday nights I meet with a group of artists called "The Gathering" - I just started attending recently but really they have only been meeting for a little over a month so I haven't missed out on much. Many of the members couldn't believe that I just started attending because they could have sworn I was around when it all started up. I feel at home with these creative and inspirational souls.

• I am a mentor to a 18 year old girl in undergrad who is the absolute sweetest. We meet sometime throughout every week depending on our schedules. I think I am doing just as much learning and growing as she is in our meetings together. The Lord continues to surprise me with the little nuggets of wisdom that come from my mouth. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear as well. I cannot tell you how much I love pouring out and into her life and being of encouragement to her. 

• Sunday's I have church - This is another area where I am looking at where I need to be. I have been attending the same church I went to as a student and for some reason in the past month I have felt like I need to start visiting elsewhere. We will see what comes of this in time.

•  Work Monday through Friday - Of course this is an absolute that takes up quite a bit of my life. 40+ hours of my week to be exact.

• Love & Scissors - If you know me well you know that I am a part of a non-profit called Love & Scissors which is an anti-human trafficking organization that I do administrative, marketing, and event planning work for. I just recently became committed as more than just a volunteer which is very exciting. Big things are coming and we are spending some time dreaming which is always exciting. 

 So with those being my absolutes I am accounting for all the rest of my time which is precious since it isn't much. The rest of my time is spent being intentional with people and taking time to myself. I am needing more introverted moments. More time to myself to write, read, create, and dream. Sweet moments where I come home, make dinner, cuddle up in bed and watch an episode of Parenthood...because I can. More moments of getting off work to make my way to Cafe Moka to drink tea and read or write or knit. Peaceful moments. So good for my spirit. So needed. 

All of this writing, perhaps too much, to say that I am re-evaluating how I spend my time. I want to spend it wisely and to spend it in a manner that has me coming away inspired, or refreshed, or at rest, or excited. You get the idea. 

I suppose that's it for now. Just a long list of things. Nothing to significant or ground breaking. Just a little bit of life. 

 

Here's me // Happy Valentines Day

If you expected there to be some sort of irony in regards to my title of this post...sorrynotsorry. hahaha 

"Let's do life together..."

The title of this post is a phrase that surfaces every so often in conversation with my girlfriends. Of course relationships is always a topic on the table and equally so the topic of what we are doing or not doing with our lives. Following shortly after that are conversations of how many of our friends are having babies or just adopted a new pet...for the record my house recently adopted two parakeets and a puppy border collie. Also, this week alone 3 people I know had babies and the pictures of these little ones and others of similar age are starting to hit my instafeed more frequently. What. Is. Life. haha

So back to the original intent of this post, this phrase, "let's do life together." I have a dear friend of mine who I spoke a lot about this phrase with over the past year. My dearest Ashley if you are out there reading this I miss you and we really should Skype soon! My dear friend of almost 10 years and I had many talks of the heart, soul, spirit, mind, life, and adventure. She loved my phrase "let's do life together" so much that back in April she made an image that she shared with me with those very words.

So this phrase came up last night once again when I was hanging out in my house with a big group of friends. One of the couches in my living room had all the married ladies sitting and talking and the topic of how they all met their significant others came up. Of course other girls in the room, myself included, are eating it all up. That's when my friend Jenny mentioned doing daily things with someone and how she just wants that. My mind immediately went back to that phrase, "let's do life together." So I'm not seeing anyone right now. I'm not anxious to be. I'm not needing to "fill a void" or "become whole by finding my other half." & can we talk a minute about that phrase... YOU ARE A WHOLE PERSON whether you are with someone or not. So many clichés, my oh my. I've never been one to long to be in a relationship. It doesn't bother me that I am single. This just isn't the time for me and that's perfectly alright because I'm just going to keep doing what I need to do when I need to do it. My first priority has been to secure a job. Check! My second priority is to set new roots in healthy soil here in Virginia Beach. There was a big reason I completely uprooted myself and moved to Texas thinking I would never be back in VB and I didn't see that until I got back to the 757 and realized that I get a fresh start in a familiar setting. This past year was a blink. I cannot believe that I spent an entire year at home and now Virginia Beach is my home. So I have been given an opportunity to pave a new foundation and so far although it's been crazy, it has been going well and I still feel like I am setting new roots and finding that healthy soil. I'm wanting to form healthy habits and make healthy choices in many different areas of my life. Some areas are receiving more attention than others and I'm working on fixing that but it's been good. I'm so thankful. I've noticed I manage my stress differently now (something I talked about in a previous post) and I've noticed that I'm making better decisions and more mature decisions. It's honestly saving me a lot of grief. I look back on my 4 years here while I was in school and I shake my head and laugh to myself at some of the things I remember about decisions I made and the things I learned and have learned since then. So good. Thank God.

Bah! Rabbit trail! I'm sorry. haha. So anyway, point being, I'm not searching for love, I'm not lost, I'm not lonely (most of the time ;) we all have our moments), I'm not uncomfortable being alone, I'm not desperate...but as I was telling my friend Kelsey: just because I'm not focused on dating, or getting engaged, or getting married, doesn't mean that the desire isn't there. My underlying desire is to "do life together" with someone. I simply want to build upon a friendship to a point where I can see myself spending time every day with that person as my best friend for the rest of my life. & that takes time! ohhh that takes time. So, no rush or anything. 

I just simply desire to sit in a coffee shop and share my day with someone. I want to spend time outdoors exploring with someone. I want to sit in a room curled up on a couch reading with someone. I want to watch clouds pass by and storms roll in with someone. I want to share my family with someone. I want to share traditions with someone. I want to laugh with someone and have inside jokes with someone. I want to make a fool of myself and cherish the way he teases me. I want to sit in silence with someone. I want to run errands with someone (weird, yeah I know). I want to cook and bake with someone and for someone. I want to get in the car and drive to destination unknown with someone. I want to share my friends with someone. I want to share so many beautiful moments with someone because I know they are ever changing and people are starting to go on and about their own lives. I want to encourage someone. I want to face life's challenges and hardships with someone. I want to be an advocate for someone. I want to surprise someone. I want to dote on someone. I want to be selfless with someone. I want to be vulnerable with someone. I want to pursue dreams with someone. I want to inspire someone. I want to stir someone to want to go deeper in faith and become closer to God. I want to love someone and love with my whole being. 

I may have already found myself in hard situations with friends in the past because I give so much of myself into relationships in general, that any significant hurt from those relationships resonate deep. Knowing this, I know that this love, whatever and whenever it may be, is going to be overwhelming. I'm excited and since this phrase is on my mind off and on over the past year and was recently back on the table I felt I wanted to write about it. So thanks for hanging in there if you've made it this far through all that ooey gooey gushy girl stuff above. I'm putting it out there. I'm being vulnerable with my readers and honestly being more vulnerable and real with myself. That's what all this writing has been about over the past year. I'm working on being honest about things and it all starts with being honest with myself.  

Good stuff. Till next time when I write about something not ooey gooey...

It's finally fall & wonderful things are coming!

Woah... That Anxiety Though...

I kinda chuckle reading the title I just wrote for this post. I can't take too long to write but I need an outlet for some encouraging quotes of the day.

"Be quiet dear heart, breathe deep and long, soul, and find comfort in your God, who has gone before you in all things..."

"Tranquil stillness is the space in which our minds and bodies can finally reconnect with our spirits and give living water to our withered dreams."
-Whole Magazine (written by Sarah Dannemiller)

I may have had an anxiety attack at church last night...and by may...I mean I did. I laugh at it now I guess because I'd rather laugh than be serious about such a matter. Perhaps its how I am dealing with my stresses and anxieties lately. So the short story is that I was sitting there listening to a teaching on anxiety and stress, of course processing through my current stressors but my stresses as of recently have not manifested themselves in my typical way of experiencing stress. Rather, I have been quite calm. I realized that before I left Texas the way that I manage my stress has changed, and not because I made the conscious decision to change it, it just sort of happened. I don't feel stressed in the sense of being overwhelmed because generally I am excited about where I am and what I'm doing and what's coming. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that are weighing on me. I'm having to dig a little deeper to discover these things so that I can properly process them. I got an image the other day while in worship at my discipleship group called "Love Feast." Funny to me because I don't often get images like this and didn't understand it until I started writing it down. I then shared it with our group and Sara (our discipleship leader) asked for me to pray into it for us...which I have never done before. Anyway, this image was of a heart in the cavity of a chest covered in cobwebs. I can see it clearly in my mind even now. So first I was like...huh...weiiiird. I then decided I should write about it so I jotted down what I saw and meaning was revealed as I wrote.

This is what I wrote:

Cobweb heart- cobwebs...they're uncomfortable, basically invisible, and hard to get rid of but the Lord wants to help me wipe away the cobwebs that I may not be able o see or know are there to gain deeper access to my heart. Lord may I be sensitive to your spirit calling out the cobwebs over my heart and anxieties and fears and hardships and lies.

So I shared this and prayed into this for our group. Honest Gabe time... haha thank you Dan Jeter. All this anxiety and fear and all the lies began to surface during my trip to Tennessee this summer. I had a moment where I shared with my very dearest sister Brit that I felt people saw me as "this way" or "that way" or whatever it may be. She said, "Hon I think you are the one thinking those things about yourself, I don't think anyone thinks those things about you," and my friend Alex confirmed. I spent a very long 13 hour drive processing a lot and when I got home had a conversation with my girl Caron from Florida who put it bluntly because she had been struggling with the same thing. "Gabe, you aren't concerned about what others are thinking about you, these are things you are thinking about yourself and you are projecting those thoughts on other people." I think I may have shared this in a previous post in recent months...but there I was in a puddle of my own tears in my car...because she was right. I had been at war with myself struggling through my own self-defeat. Knowing that then I did spend some time with the Lord about it but I also had a lot of other things taking my attention so it kinda took the back burner.

Here I am now a couple months later and all around me the lessons and words are about anxiety. Leila (my friend and coworker) actually named the fat man that sits on my chest Roberto haha comedic relief. But, honestly, it really feels like I have a very heavy barbell laying on my chest that I don't have the arm strength to lift. When I got to Virginia I jumped right in, sink or swim. I haven't taken as much me time as I need and I'm realizing that I really need to take time to process because I haven't. I still have moments of realizing I live here and I have a big girl job and other major changes. It was a quick decision and quick following action to make the move and start a job two days after I got the offer. I haven't spent quiet time with God to process through everything I just jumped right in. So the good thing in all of this is that through it all I am realizing some important things. Thank God for realizations!

I completely uprooted myself when I left VB back in August of 2013. This is an opportunity to set new roots and lay a new foundation for my time back here for however long it may be. I'm not planning on going anywhere so it's important for me to be putting my roots in healthy soil. I have the knowledge to do so, so, come on Gabe get with it! haha

I need to work on my self-perception cuz it's not good. I think some old stuff has resurfaced as of recently that I have been freed from for years but they are coming back to taunt me as lies and I have been believing them. So there's that. I actually had a really good convo with an elder mentor from my church sunday morning at breakfast and we talked a bit about that. I'm so thankful for her. This is an area I will need to spend some time meditating on and praying about.

These are two major areas I need to work on and then there are all those others but it'd be a lot to talk about here.

Just some thoughts on where I am in life right now. It feels good to write again & now that I've hit the end of my lunch break I'm gonna get back to work. I start traveling October 1st! Say a little prayer for me as I hit the road! I'm super stoked.


Just some real moments, learning and growing with Gabe. Till next time...

   

With A Heavy Heart

It is with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat this morning that I write this post. For those of you who don't know a friend of mine from school from the theatre department, from my theatre family was killed in a head on car collision Saturday. He and the other driver in the accident were driving down a two lane highway in indiana (he on his way to a family reunion) when my friend Adam went to pass a Semi and didn't see the car in the other lane they both attempted to avoid each other pulling out and colliding head on in the ditch. Please be in prayer for the family of 5 that was in the other vehicle. The mother and father of the three children in the back seat were last in critical condition and the children's status was never released.

Adam was flown Careflight to a hospital and a few hours after the accident he passed away from his injuries. So one of my best friends texted me yesterday at 730am which would have been 630am her time to see if I had heard the news... one of the most sobering texts I have received in a long time. "B...did you hear about Adam?" (B is Julie's nickname for me) To which I responded no and she immediately called me. Our theatre department is a family, mess with one of us you better be careful because we have each others backs. I don't mean that to sound threatening it's just to represent how we look after each other. I don't know ho I could have survived college without my theatre family students and professors alike. So with this news we are all breaking and the Crowhort is probably taking it the hardest because they spent the last three years studying, learning and growing together to finish up with their MFAs back last month. My heart breaks for my friend's loss and breaks for the hurt that so many of my wonderful and dear MFA friends are experiencing.

A little over a year ago Adam's father was killed in a car accident as well. He was devastated and we all hurt for him. We even set up a giving account where people could contribute to helping to bury his father and send him home for the funeral...here we are a little more than a year later with a giving account set up once more for our friend, our own brother's funeral. I want to say a few things about the character of my friend Adam before I go on in this post to reference some things I am learning this morning about death.

A Character of Life

I met Adam when he was a first year MFA student and I was a Junior in College. The first show we worked on together was Three Musketeers. I was the Assistant Stage Manager and he was one of the main supporting roles. Adam was a humorous guy. He liked to tease the BA's especially the girls because he found them to be more gullible, knowing we would fall for his dry sarcasm and humor or just for the tap on the shoulder-walk away-pretend it wasn't you joke. Adam would tease me about taking me out on the date that he had never asked me out on. He also joked about how he felt we were growing distant after we had just finished an entire show we worked together on for several months. "Adam...we just spent the past several months working on a show together!" hahaha. He joked about me leaving him alone with the kids...that we didn't have. He was always one to walk up to a group of us talking and put his arm around one or two or three people and stick his head into the conversation. He and some of the other guys had a game where they called dibs on everyone and everything so yes even myself along with so many other girls of the department got called "dibs" on. "Dibs on Gabe!!!!" - Adam "What does that even meeeeean?! Hahaha" -Me ::Adam Shrugs Shoulders::

Adam was a giving person, a true 21st century good samaritan. A friend of mine had mentioned to someone within ear shot of him that she was frustrated that she didn't even have money to buy lunch and he whipped out a $10 and handed it to her not even knowing who she was. Adam had the biggest arms and the biggest hugs coming from a big guy with an even bigger heart. Adam made sure that no one person went unnoticed or unrecognized. I can remember on several occasions where he praised me for doing a good job even clapping for me as he walked by. "Keep up the good work Gabe." -Adam. I don't think I appreciated that as much as I should have. Adam saw when people were having a rough day, he knew just by looking at them. He was quick to listen and be there for the people he cared about. Although he was scared of leaving school and heading out to LA he was determined to make the leap of faith with his fathers encouraging words "I'm betting on you even if no one else is" and knowing God had his back. My friend Tim put it this way: "If you haven't made the world a better place, then what difference does it make. Thank you Adam for inspiring us to live fully, love passionately, and laugh without hesitation." If I could say anything that would encompass him, that right there would ice the cake.

So...death. A bittersweet taste on my tongue with that one word. & can I just take a moment to mention that it is magnificently stormy outside. The storm is a reflection of my heart, moments of eruptive thunder and pouring rain and then stillness for a moment. I am still between disbelief and realization. Yesterday was long. I went to church because I knew that Adam would have encouraged me to, he was also an ordained minister. I came home after lunch and fell asleep waking up still exhausted and eyes still tired and worn out. Tears come and go as they please.

Our Loss, Adam's Gain

I'm sure you have heard people say in the past "God's got another angel up there" or "It's our loss but Christ's gain" both are things I have heard in the past when going through bereavement. But, this time I am choosing to see it as Adam's gain. Yes, I still believe that it is Christ's gain but I also want to take the time to recognize that Adam gained a whole heck of a lot when we left this earth. I am in no way belittling the gain of Christ I just also want to recognize the significance of what Adam himself has gained. It's easy to say they are in a better place and not think in depth about what that means. It needs to be talked about, we should be discussing it, especially when it hurts. So I did some research on death this morning and came across this relevant magazine article from 2008 that talks about death being the servant of God. I was like, huh, interesting perspective and you know what...I agree. God sent Christ to this world to conquer death and by conquering death as He did, death became a servant.

It's a bit of a read but honestly I don't think I could cut anything out so stick with me for a moment and read the below quoted pieces from Relevant Magazine, see if it doesn't strike a heartstring with you as it did with me:

"Death divorced from God becomes a power unto itself and becomes master of humanity rather than servant. Only through the re-mastery of death can death cease to be an enemy and return to its place as servant of God and humanity. Death is what Christ came to reconquer and is the means by which He conquered. Death became servant to Christ so that it might once again become servant to humanity. It served the true human so that it might serve all humans."

"Death is the gateway to life. Death is the boatman who ferries us from this life to more life. Death is the servant now. For one must lose his life to save it. We are baptized into death so that we might rise with Christ. We are joined to Christ’s death so that through death we might be joined to Christ’s resurrection and new life (Romans 6:4-5)."

"New life is not found through any other means than death. Resurrection implies death and it is resurrection that we seek. New life in Christ is not merely the prolonging of this life but it is a completely new life unlike this one. New life requires death. Death is the gift, the means, through which we are granted new, resurrected life with Christ."

"Lordless death is the great enemy, not death itself. Christ, who submitted to God, submitted to death and in doing so received life and death’s allegiance. Christ cannot die again because death has no mastery over him (Romans 6:9). Death returns to its proper function as servant of God and is rightly ordered humanity’s servant as well. Natural immortality is horrendous and hopeless. Death gives us hope for new life. Death, when with God, is hope. It is hope of resurrected life. It is the gift of God to humanity, abused by humanity during the Fall, then given back at the Cross. Paul continues to warn that sin and corruption lead to death (Romans 6:23;8:6) but to lordless death, not Christ’s death, which brings eternal life in Christ."

"J.R.R. Tolkien illustrates death as gift and the corruption it underwent better than I ever could in his epic The Silmarillion:

The sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world; wherefore they are called the Guests, or the Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Iluvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy. But Melkor has cast his shadow upon it, and confounded it with darkness, and brought forth evil out of good, and fear out of hope." 

"Charles Williams, a personal friend of Tolkien, once wrote “The definition of the Fall is that man determined to know good as evil.” One example of this is to be seen in humanity’s view of death. A good was seen as an evil. A gift was seen as a curse. A servant was seen as an enemy and became just that. Christ laid down his own life freely to death and in doing so mastered death. In his mastering of death he gave death to us once again to be our servant. Christ says, “He who believes in me will live even though he dies,” (John 11:25). Christ goes onto say “whoever lives and believes in me will never die,” (John 11:26). I believe Christ speaks of the life that only comes from death. As Christ cannot die again, neither can those who are united with Christ’s death. Death is not the end of life but the means to it, for Christ says, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it,” (Luke 17:33). To defeat death one must die. To be born again one must die. To live one must die. Therefore, die before you die. There is no chance after."

So there you have it my friends. I myself want to remember to see death as a servant of Christ. I made the choice to die to myself a long time ago but it's not just a one time decision that I can make and not continually work on. Dying to oneself is a lifelong commitment and it's hard! I believe that is what Adam did in his time here on earth. He died to himself and accepted Christ's defeat of death so that when death came to him he would gain life. Death is a daily walk, not just a one time occurrence. Death is servitude. Death is choosing life. Death is not the enemy. 

On a lighter note: The 5 Stages of Grief as told by Giraffe from Robot Chicken:
WARNING: Bleeped Out Offensive Language Content Viewer Discretion is Advised Not Suitable for Children 

I Breathe You In

I Breathe You In, God - Katie Torwalt

I heard this song for the first time today as I was reading and had to stop to take note of what song it was. When I left Virginia in August I knew I was going home for several practical reasons but not fully understanding what the future months would hold. So of course I get home and start looking for a job. If you've been following along with this blog or if I have talked with you in person about the past 6 almost 7 months, you know that I have been learning little by little the true reasons for my being home during these past months. Of course I am looking for a job, but I am also growing in my relationships with my family members. I am trying to form healthy habits like spending every morning with the Lord. I am conquering personal hurdles and hinderances to my own growth as a woman. (that's actually really weird for me to write because a lot of times I still feel like I don't fit the womanly high heels yet...figuratively speaking of course). 

So although I am continually seeing the meaning and purpose behind these months I am still left with not understanding. It's one of those times where you have to leave the season you are in and step into a new one to fully look back and see what in the world was going on. I love looking back on the things I learned and how I grew and what the Lord has done during a certain season of my life, but it's always hard to see where things are going till you get there. Yay faith!! 

I'm pretty content with knowing that I don't know, that I don't have any understanding of what will come next, but even in saying that, I am doing my best to seek Him and His plans and to know His will. I could try to guess what's coming but God will probably surprise me. He has already surprised me with so many beautiful things: reuniting me with old friends, becoming friends with my sister, growing closer with my momma, being able to spend quality time with my dad, being a bridesmaid in two of my best friend's weddings, planning a very dear Virginia friends wedding and spending time with many of my dearest friends out in the 757, a random trip to Florida for spring break, growing my relationships with friends who are off an married (this is a HUGE thing!! most girl-friends disappear after they get married - you know I'm right) haha. Anyway, lots of things! Beautiful things! Unknown things that came to be. 

Just a little word vomit for you concerning a song that grabbed my attention today. I have pictures and words coming soon from my random last minute trip out to Florida!!! Check in later!!

Re-potting Plants

If you've never planted seeds in a pot before the process usually starts with a small plant pot. I love the itty bitty ones you can get from the home improvement store they're precious and make me wanna say girly things like "awwweee it's so leetle! it's a baaaybeeee!" Haha. So when planting you sometimes start with a small pot and then the little plant is watered and given the sun that it needs to grow and eventually it graduates! You get it a bigger pot! The process continues until its graduated a couple times and then eventually you could plant it outdoors so that it has ample space to throw down its roots and take in the sun. People who garden know that it's no easy task to maintain healthy plants whether they be beds of flowers or vegetables. There's a lot of care that goes into maintaining the soil and making sure if it's been relatively dry in the forecast that the plants get the water they need. There are people who garden their whole lives to maintain the grounds of important estates; I'm thinking Downton Abbey style. How do you think they keep the outside of places like that looking beautiful?! Especially when you have plants that come from different parts of the world that aren't native to the environment they've been placed in.

So I've talked a lot about the whole gardening business probably more than I needed to but, hey, I was on a roll. What I'm really wanting to talk about here is something that has been on my mind for the past couple days and has been popping up over the past couple months. I'm kinda using the plant talk above as a metaphor so bear with me.

You have to give people room to grow. Simply said, not as easily done. I know in my own experience when I have been stunted by friends or family who aren't giving me room to grow or allowing me the chance to grow. Not only have I experienced this I have observed it happening around me lately and in some ways I have heard it referenced to in church. We as humans will continue to grow and be molded and change until the day we die. Physically there's not much we can do to stop another person from growing old, but when it comes to growing emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, and spiritually, these are all things that can be affected in one person by the influence of another person, a lot of these things being metaphysical. I'm seeing a lot of hurt caused by people's inability to let another person grow. It's like re-potting plants. Here's this little sprout which has the capacity to become something big and beautiful but if the potter doesn't lend a hand in re-potting the plant and giving it new soil then it will not thrive. So here we are as humans coming in constant contact with other humans. We have the ability to help a person to thrive in their growth as an individual or we can choose to only see them as they are or once were and expect them to stay that way. It hurts me to see people shut down by other people because they can't see past their own narrow mindedness. Are we not to push each other towards Christ? Are we not to encourage one another in brotherly & sisterly love? I know that there are some beautiful influential people in my life who constantly encouraged me to push on and push forward and even when I still had mud in my eyes they saw past my current state or they saw the depths of my heart, the desire to change, the desire to grow, the desire to do good. Even if I couldn't see it they saw it in me and encouraged me to see past my own stumbling blocks. It's beautiful really. They spoke truth. They spoke life. Words carry so much more weight than we tend to realize.

But really what I'm trying to get at here is this: If you preemptively decide that your husband, your wife, your sister, your brother, your friend, or your coworker or anyone you know is going to do the same things they have always done wrong then you're part of the problem. (ooh that was harsh but I'm not saying this to single anyone out I'm also having some personal realizations as well.) I'm talking these things could be effecting you directly or indirectly. They could be seen as mistakes or bad choices or whatever. I'm gonna bring it back home to a personal level just because it's the best real life experience I can think of to share rather than making a scenario up. So my little sister and I were never close. Like she had a chip on her shoulder and I had one on mine. We've talked about this on countless occasions so I know that it's ok to share this because it's a testament to how beautiful our relationship is now. So my sister and I are opposites. I'm an extrovert, she's an introvert, I'm enjoy performing arts, she enjoys visual art, I like sports, she'd rather read a novel, so on and so forth. To keep things short I will say this, I came home with an open mind and open heart, and she received me as her sister with an open mind and open heart. Here we were back in August with room to grow. We potted our relationship in a bigger pot together allowing each other the room to flourish. I think sometimes what holds us back from letting another person grow is bitterness or sometimes it's just simply deciding that you know that person and how they are or how they were and who they will be. Shallow thinking. God has given us incredible potential and He delights in our growth whether that growth happens in an instant or takes a handful of times to learn and grow or hey, it may take years. Sometimes it takes people half their lives to learn and grow in certain areas of their lives. It could take 21 years like it took my sister and I. If I went into each encounter with my sister expecting her to be the same person day to day I wouldn't be helping her because I would continue to treat her as the same person. But my baby sister is growing up every day, she's right on my tail and I have the amazing privilege to be there for her, encouraging her to reach for the potential I know the Lord has for her life. I'm not saying that it's all sunshine and daisies constantly, we still have our moments where we expect an action or reaction a certain way because that's what we have known for so long and have been so wrapped up in it that we are still personally breaking those habits. But, I know she has the potential to grow and change just as she knows I have the potential to grow and change.

It helps no one to bitterly comment about how that person will always make the same mistakes or hurt you in the same way or choose badly every time. But, it does help to encourage and help the other person transfer their potted plant into a bigger pot. Eventually the ideal is to plant those potted plants into the ground so that there is infinite possibility and potential for growth. That's what I hope to give my husband someday. I hope to help him grow and in return I hope and pray he does the same. Never giving limitations because our God is phenomenal and He can change a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

So I guess this is another thing I'm learning about relationships recently. I would hate to have a limit or brand put on me that stunts my growth so I don't want to do the same to another person. I don't want to be too quick to assess where a person is spiritually or emotionally or mentally because only God knows the depths to that person and judgement is not my job. So friends I guess those are some of my thoughts on this. I'm terribly sorry it was such a long post! So much to write about! But if you stuck through it, if you have experienced this yourself I'd love to hear from you.

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