Oof. What a post title, yeah? This post is brought to you by the ever growing me, and my phone conversation I had with a one Miss Sarah Grice earlier this afternoon.
So I am out on the road again, and whereas, I thought this trip was going to be one that would be difficult to make, mainly because there's so much going on back home and planning a week of travel amongst it all seemed insane! I am actually not ready to come home. I left early Tuesday morning and have plans to return home Saturday evening...which is tomorrow. There is so much goodness that has come from this trip I am not sure I am prepared to go home and face the challenges that are set before me. This isn't because I feel that I am incapable of facing them or I fear that I will not succeed, it's just that there is so much that the Lord is doing in me and through me out here that I want to glean everything I can from the Father. I'm about to get real honest here so bear with me.
I hit my final breaking point Monday night. I think I cried harder than I have in an entire year. What's ironic is that a year ago around this very time I hit a very similar breaking point. I mourned, and processed, and gave myself a limit of
one night. The next morning I arose to take on the journey ahead claiming freedom over my heart and persevering through the storm. A year ago a relationship that was so unhealthy for me finally broke. My heart wept unceasingly for several hours. The funny thing is that I was never in a romantic relationship with this best friend of mine, yet, I felt the deepest pain as a part of myself died that night. We must die to
self in order to fully live. So in reality I didn't lose any part of
me, I only lost the part of
myself that wasn't meant to be there. Does that make sense? I am separating 'self' from 'me' because 'self' is selfish and 'me' is everything that I am at the very root of my being, it's how I was born. Anyway, that's a whole post in itself. Moving forward...
Here I am almost exactly a year later experiencing similar mourning. I cannot believe that an entire year has flown by. I have this wonderful guy friend that popped up out of the blue and our relationship just grew. I won't press much into detail out of respect for him and myself but as you can imagine we became rather fond of each other over the course of a year. Well, we ended up back in the same city and that's when things started to weigh on me. A month went by before I decided that my heart needed clarification on our future. He was incredibly honoring and respectful. I questioned whether I was deserving of that kind of treatment because all I had ever know was exactly opposite of that. It was wonderful and yet it softened my heart even more towards him. As it came to be, we didn't make plans to further our relationship that day. I had peace. I was, and still am, excited about what the Lord is doing in both of our lives--of course that doesn't make it easy. But, that's not what I want to talk about here. This is not some post to talk about why things happened the way they did, or what I had hoped for. The decisions that were made were wise and I respect them for both our counts.
Emotional investment is probably one of the deepest and most pure parts to my nature. Perhaps it's that "Davison gene" in my body that has me tied to another humans heart like a string on a kite. There's something that grabs hold of me as I interact with other people. My heart automatically takes on an advocacy role. I want to be 'for you' just as the Lord is. I want to stand by your side and lift you up. I want to help you carry the burden. I want you to know that you are seen. My heart is for you and sometimes that's the most beautiful thing we can offer to a friend; it's a part of our heart that shares in grief or joy or uncertainty, my heart breaks for what breaks yours. Because whatever it is...if it is important to you, it's important to me, because
you are important to me. So here's where I get myself in some trouble. Emotional boundaries are not my forté. I'm learning this. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially with how I am learning it, but I am grateful.
I am an actress. I am an entertainer. I am a girl. All of these things contribute to one very emotional...sometimes over-emotional...23, going on 24, year old girl. I'm not one much with words in person, but I have more emotions than sometimes I know how to handle myself. With all this said, I have realized that although the decision was made to not invest in each other in a sense of furthering a romantic relationship I never separated my emotions from the relationship. Why would I need to? I ask myself. I'm perfectly fine with how things are going. We are still good friends...I'm only sharing the part of my heart that I would share if it were anyone. Wrong. It's quite a bit harder to come back from a relationship that was headed towards being a full on romantic relationship than it is if that line had never been crossed. There's a special part of my heart--and I have written on this before--that so desires to be selfless with someone, to advocate for someone, to push them towards their dreams. I had started to share that part of my heart, that part of me that I should have been more guarded with.
Perhaps, without meaning to, we often take from people we shouldn't be taking from without realizing it. Maybe we desire the affirmation and the encouragement. Perhaps, we don't know that we are taking what is not rightly ours...or...perhaps we do. Whatever the case may be, it's not only on the shoulders of the one doing the taking, but just as well it is on the shoulders of the one who isn't guarding against the taking. This could be within the scope of family relationships, friendly relationships, and romantic relationships. In my case as of current it's within a what could have been a romantic relationship. Emotional ties are hard to break and take probably the longest to heal. I've never before experienced emotionally what I have over the past months, and I don't mean the kind of emotions. I mean to say that I hadn't made the disconnect that I needed to in order to move forward and allow my heart to heal like it should. I left my emotions vulnerable and open for the taking and I willingly lent them and gave them away. That sounds so dramatic...but I mean...come on...we are taking about emotions here. I had not set my boundaries like I should. I found myself feeling defeated and didn't understand why I felt this way when everything was good, it was all right. I wasn't heading the caution that I should have. It's o.k. though. I don't regret giving what I have. I only now know what I should do in the future. I feel honored to have been a part of sharing in those parts of life with someone. I feel thankful to have been able to be selfless with someone and to care for someone as I have. I know that I can be, in that capacity, for someone, someday, and you know what? They will be too, and it will be beautiful.
I'm currently sitting in a local Blacksburg coffee shop that a friend recommended to me..(thanks Nathan!)...and I am thinking on the past few days on the road. No, not Jack Kerouac's version of
On the Road but my own adventure as it is. I spent some time with a dear friend of mine watching planes land at a local Lynchburg regional airport over cups of starbies. I think we sat there for 4 hours. I have to mention that before this we had lunch at a mexican restaurant and I have come to the conclusion that if I am ever needing a confidence booster I should get mexican because those guys think they are so charming getting their flirt on with all the ladies...I'll take it. ;) Back to the airport!
We sat there for 4 hours and talked, and sang, and talked, and just enjoyed each other's company. My dear Jordan is soon leaving on a big jet plane for probably one of the biggest steps in her young adult life and I'm so very excited for her! So we talked a bit about that, and then she asked me about the dream that I have that is mine. Now I know when people ask me what I want to do in my life what my answer is and that answer is about partnering with people...but it's funny that she asked me about the dream that will be mine to pursue because I have thought about this here and there. I'm thinking and realizing that maybe the Lord will have me take a dream head on and lead on this one. That's kinda a scary thought. I think over the course of my years in college I thought more about joining with people in a movement rather than starting a wave myself. Now, this is about as far as I have come in my thoughts on this but I do want to start praying about this. I know that I won't be left without answers...and that's what scares me a bit. I am working on following through on what I know I should do, but struggle to. I'll procrastinate a bit...test the waters a bit...look it over a bit...hold on to what I already know a bit...when really I just need to do it. It's easy to say you will do something...the follow through is what counts. Ahhh. Now we get to the subject title! I am working on following through on putting up boundaries where they are needed within my relationships and pursuing the things I know I should, those foundational absolutes I talked about a couple posts ago. I had a conversation with my dear Sarah Grice today about following through on what we know we should do...but I am selfish and I just want to keep doing life the way I'm doing it becausssseee it's hurting me? No. Wait. What? That doesn't make sense; but does the heart ever? I'm definitely laughing to myself right now.
So I made this hike a couple days ago. Four miles out to McAfee Knob and four miles back to my car. I hiked this alone. Well over an hour out to the scenic overlook and over an hour back to my car. Probably not the smartest or safest thing to do but I am so glad I did it. It was difficult at parts. My heart raced. I glistened (that's a nice way for saying I was sweating). I jogged for stints and walked for others. In all this time I thought about a lot of things. It really did a number for my heart. Heartbreak needed to be worked out and I got my silent time with the Lord and nature. My friend Sara calls me a naturalist; that is the sense that I see God in nature and always meet Him there. I experience the Lord in the purest way I can, in the most tangible way I can, here on this earth. So I walked and talked with God and reached the top and the second I overlooked the scene before me my heart stopped. "Oh my, Lord." I exclaimed aloud. I stood in awe. I quickly asked a group of guys who were just leaving the top to snap a couple photos for me. Two minutes later they were gone and it was just me and creation. I was lightheaded, probably because of the elevation but also because I was overcome. I stood there, then I sat there, and audibly gave the Lord praise for His handiwork. I opened up my arms and I let go. I released so many things on that mountain top. I laughed and I cried. I sang and I shouted. I took in as much as I could as the sun began to do it's little dance heading down the western part of the hemisphere. I took the deepest of breaths and said goodbye to the moment promising to forever cherish it.
I got back to my car and for the first time in quite a while...I felt free. I carry this with me now and I pray I don't forget. Of course I guess I could always reflect back on this post as a reminder but I have committed to do my best at following through. Whether that is with placing boundaries where they need to be placed, praying about the things I should be praying about, or focusing on those foundational absolutes. I want to follow through. I want to be not one of just words, but also one of corresponding and echoing action.
Simply,
Gabrielle
**One other learn I gleaned from my trek the other day...as I was walking I could take a bit to look around but I really had to pay attention to my footing. A metaphor arose as I thought about how there were moments when I could look up and walk comfortably and moments when I continually had to look down for each step--which was most of the time--this is a part of the Appalachian trail in the Blue Ridge that we are talking about. But, I was reminded through thinking about this that sometimes God allows us to see a bit ahead, but then most times we have to only focus on the steps he has given us just before us or else we might lose our footing, and sprained ankles hurt!! I can testify I have had more than my fair share! So right now, and I think this goes for most of us in our 20's I can see the couple steps in front of me as they are given. If I dare look too far ahead or try to I may end up missing my step and each step is a crucial one.
