Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

I think I may have said this in my last post but I have come to the realization that this season is a season in which my heart is being ministered to. Heart Ministry. I like that saying. It's amazing to me to think back about 5 years ago and see what all has occurred in my life over the span of 5 years. Not only graduating high school and college and joining the real world on a hunt for a job but also the conditions my heart and spirit have been in over the years. I kinda want to laugh out loud right now but I am sitting in a Starbucks with people all around me and I may get some funny looks.

Now it's time for real moments with Gabrielle, the part of the blog where Gabrielle comes out and shares a real moment:

Now this real moment kinda ties into what I wrote in my last blog post. For any who haven't read the last one... #1. um why haven't you? #2. I mainly talked about the challenge I have accepted to accept that I am created the way I am for a reason. I have a double major for a reason. I am living at home with my parents for a reason. God has purpose and I shouldn't be discouraged when I see others working and fulfilling their dreams. Their dreams may not always be my dreams and their talents are not always the same as my own. I am unique. You are unique and we all have different purposes and plans. How wonderful to think that God has a specific and unique plan for everyone! No one is the same. What's not to love about that!? Your plan and my plan are exclusive to us individually. SO yeah. That's basically what I talked about and expanded on my struggle with that in the past years. Soooo... I'm reading this other book. Not the book I quoted in my last post. I am reading two books and the book I picked up to read today I haven't read since I left for one of my best friends weddings in FL. Todays chapter (I'm pleased to say I am on chapter 7! That's quite an accomplishment for me!) is entitled "Green with Envy." God's got something to say to me and I'm listening. (Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel)

Our Friend So-crates says this: "Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the beginner of secret sedition and the perpetual tormentor of virtue. Envy is the filthy slime of the soul; a venom, a poison, or quicksilver which consumeth the flesh and drieth up the marrow of the bones." 

Basically:

Envy = Daughter of Pride

Envy = Author of Murder

Envy = Author of Revenge

Envy = Tormentor of Virtue

Envy = Slime of Soul

Envy = Venom

Envy = Poison

Envy = Consumes

Envy = Dries Up Bones (like cancer)

Envy... yeah. Not a cool thing. Yet we all struggle with it. I shared how I struggled with my discontent in who I was, what I know, and where I am in life. What's the opposite of Envy? Give you one guess........... Thankfulness. Hey! Guess what!? It's November!!! Isn't thanksgiving next week or something? Yeah. Secret (last week I though it was this week). 

We should be thankful of what we have whether it is material or immaterial. "When we see God's goodness in the lives of others, we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel resentful." -Soul Detox 

Real moment with Gabrielle. I felt a little hurt and resentful when my internship fell through back in January. Long story short... I got an internship that would turn into a job by May. I was going to be associate producing a new documentary with an amazing team. After the first week of my internship went by I was informed that the documentary was no longer and my "boss" was getting married instead. I rejoiced with her and had peace about it until later on when I came to the end of my internship and all I had done was collect 90 pages of research and turned it in to complete a credit. I felt like I missed out on learning a lot and developing more of my craft. Then come to find out that my "boss" joined another team across the country, didn't get married and is successful and traveling and living the dream. I dealt with some hurt which turned into resentfulness and a little bit of envy. I didn't understand why it happened. Why I didn't start traveling the world and raising awareness for the causes I care about and the people I care about even more. I didn't understand why I had to go home. I didn't understand why I am where I am in life. Seriously. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Today I read a status update from my friend and former internship "boss" and it talked about how excited she is to be traveling and making a documentary on slavery. I thought to myself before reading it that I probably shouldn't read it because then I would become upset but I read it anyway and you know what... I'm not upset. I'm excited for her. I'm excited to see what comes of what she is doing. We are working for the same cause... well... she's working right now and someday I will be too! I have done little things here and there for advocating against social injustice and now's a time to learn some new stuff. Now is a time that my heart is being ministered to. Now is a time that I am realizing where my heart needs some work. To be thankful for all things. To be thankful in all times. To be expectant of Glory to come. Today is one of the first days where I haven't been sick to my stomach when I start to think about my future and the present. 

"If the grass is greener in someone else's yard, maybe it's time you watered your own. How long has it been since you've taken stock of what God's given you and said "Father, thank you"?" - Soul Detox

"When we look at other people comparatively and competitively, we're not seeing them as our brothers and sisters. We're not loving them more than we love ourselves, and we're definitely not seeing them as God sees them." - Soul Detox

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Soul Detox

Another challenge to process and act on. Let me be clear about the above real moment I shared... I don't sit around and pout or think about how I loathe being where I am right now or resent what other people are doing but when I am feeling discouraged it's where the enemy attacks. I am closing the door on those open targets and God is making my heart a bit more peaceful which does wonders for my anxiety levels - go figure! haha 

That's it for now! God Speed Friends!

Slap Bet

If you are familiar with or are a regular follower of the How I Met Your Mother series you might be familiar with the term "slap bet." For those who don't follow the series or haven't heard of this term, it refers to an bet made between Barney and Marshall in the series. The winner of the bet would win the slap bet therefore giving the winner rights to give a slap across the face of the loser as hard as he can muster. At any given time. Painful? Yes. I would think so.

So now you ask why I may have brought up such a term? Well, this is the best example I can give to describe how I have felt at different times in my spiritual walk. Most of the time I don't see it coming...a convicting slap to the face. Although it may not impact me physically, it hurts just as bad if not worse than being physically slapped across the face.

Now to tell you how this happened. Just this morning I was reading a book I just started by Craig Groeschel called "Altar Ego." I am a couple chapters in...in fact, I just finished chapter two this morning, so that is very accurate. Today's chapter is called "you are God's masterpiece" and the quote that follows says: "When Love and Skill work together, expect a masterpiece." ––John Ruskin. So I'm reading and Craig talks about how "God created every individual with purpose, God is constantly molding us into His masterpiece, He saved us so we could bring glory to Him and make a difference in the world, you as an individual are divinely inspired and it wasn't by chance or accident that you were made the way you are." Yup. Yup. Things that many of us have heard before, things I know I have heard before. It's always nice to be reminded, it definitely takes the pressure off of me as an individual that I am constantly putting on myself to be or do. But, those things are not what resonated with me today.

Here comes the slap! I'm reading, I'm reading and then WHAM! Ouch.

Ready? Read the following:

"Out of all the nearly infinite possibilities, there was no better time for you to be born with your unique gifts, talents, skills, and personality. God knew you before you were, and He put you right where He wanted you." 

Keep goin...

"Because we have not grasped who we are, we work hard to focus on all the things we are not. Consequently, we are not living out of our true purpose; no wonder we're frustrated."

There's more...

"You are God's masterpiece. Wouldn't it make sense to ask God what you should do with your life? ... Your purpose is far beyond this life... As God's masterpiece, called to do his good works in a way that is all your own, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose...He doesn't ask people to do something then realize later that they weren't equipped to do it."

Oh, it get's better...

"...some people have something I call "masterpiece envy."...when we compare ourselves with each other, we are not wise. Instead we should be focusing on the unique ways that God created us. We say, "I wish I could do that!" Instead, we should be discovering and acknowledging those things we can do. What are the things you can do that other people cant? God has given you everything you need to do everything that he wants you to do."

#thestruggleisreal

"Other people were created to do those things, and it's my great joy to let them live out the talents God made them for. Stop focusing on the things you can't do. Turn your attention to the things you can do... Start meditating on the truth about you: "I am the masterpiece of God. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. I already have everything I need to do everything God wants me to do."

And the cherry on top...

"You are who you are –– You are where you are –– because He set you on this path, plotted this course for you."

I'm still feeling the sting of that convicting slap. Let's be real for a moment. Here I am, where I am...a college graduate with two degrees, living at home with the parents, searching for a job and in the meantime not working a part time job. The struggle is real as I mentioned above, for many reasons. The struggle is real because I am used to being busy. I am used to piling my to do list high with commitments. I am used to going from one activity to the next. I am used to multi tasking. I have experienced what it is like to overcommit and I have suffered the consequences. You may think I am lazy for not having a job at the same time as searching for a full time position. Well, I am not necessarily doing what I am doing because that is what I want to do. God is teaching me to rest. He is teaching me to be patient (so hard!). He is teaching me to walk in faith. He is teaching me to trust. He is teaching me about myself and He is ministering to my heart through people, events and time spent with Him. I have been very blessed to be in a season like this although it has been hard because I am going against the only grain I have known in my life. Heck! I worked 3 jobs this summer, coordinated, attended and did hair for weddings and made time for fun with friends, then drove 31 hours home and stopped! Talk about a shock to your system! There is so much I have been learning and I know it is only the tip to the iceberg. 

I have come face to face with the reality that I doubt my training and preparation for the future dreams God has placed on my heart. In other words, at the time I didn't realize it, but I was really doubting the plan that God had for my last 4 years. I started thinking of all the things I could have or should have done. I thought about how I double majored and didn't just focus on one ability or strength in my life to master in. I've been thinking about how every job I have been looking into everyone wants an expert in one area. I have more strength in certain areas than others but I don't think that there is one thing I have mastered in. The reality that I have been shoving aside is that it's ok. There is a plan far greater for me than my own for myself. 

Like Craig said in his book: "what is it that you can do that others cannot?" Well, I know I have been told before, but I chose not to accept the words given to me till now... Not everyone can be so versatile. I am a flexible and versatile person. I can do many things well but I haven't mastered at one thing. Honestly, I think if anyone thinks He has mastered at anything it is then that He has failed. There is always more to learn, there is always somewhere to grow and develop. God is the master designer, the master artist, the master creator, the all knowing and all encompassing. That's a very humbling way to think about things. No one is perfect, because only One is perfect and complete. For far too long I have compared my talents, skills, and personality with others. They have what they have to complete the plan and journey the road they are on, and I have what I need to journey the road I am on and complete the tasks that present themselves and ultimately bring glory to God through His masterpiece. The challenge is this: take everything I have just read, the realizations I have just had, and take that convicting slap across the face and change my mindset. Learn from it. Do not simply know it. Act on the wisdom that has presented itself. 

Challenge.... wait for it.... ACCEPTED! Challenge Accepted!

So here I am. Teach me what You have to teach me. Grow me. Stretch me. & If it means another convicting slap to the face, then so be it.