Patience & Progress

Two words that don't necessarily go hand in hand, unless that it is I am talking about making progress with patience. Let's be real. I fight with myself over how much progress I am making when it comes to taking those first steps into a new season of life, into that next adventure. I'd like to say that I'm ready. I'd like to say that I know I have what it takes right now. I'd like to say that I am closing on the finish line. Mainly I fight with myself over how much more I could be doing right now. I get down on myself for not waking up every day feeling ready to conquer the world! Send those emails! Send those applications! Make those calls! Honestly, who gets out of bed every morning feeling like that? haha Perhaps I have some unrealistic expectations of myself during this time? It's not bad for me to have expectations of how I should conduct myself or my time. No. Not at all. But, I think I have been missing out on the opportunity to have a little patience with myself. By the end of the day if I haven't done as much as I think that I could have done I basically slay myself with guilt and end up feeling overwhelmed. I overwhelm myself. hahaha. I am my own worst medicine. Now, not every day is like this. Oh no no! This is just something that I am realizing as I type. I have taken a sudden feeling, felt right here and now and decided to expand my thoughts upon it. As I sit in a room that grows darker as the sun sets, I have taken the moment to be in the moment with my thoughts. I didn't accomplish much today. I sent one email. I had a list of things that I could have been doing, but I didn't do any of them. I know that I am oh so incredibly blessed to be able to do just that. I won't be in this same exact season again in my life. So perhaps I'm not out of balance with this season and I only feel that way because I put the pressure on myself of what I feel like this season should look like for me? I'm still figuring it out. As long as I'm not sitting around everyday wondering where life is taking me without making any strides to seek out opportunities then perhaps I am doing exactly what I should be doing in this blessed season. 

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecc. 3:1-8)

2014

2011

Slap Bet

If you are familiar with or are a regular follower of the How I Met Your Mother series you might be familiar with the term "slap bet." For those who don't follow the series or haven't heard of this term, it refers to an bet made between Barney and Marshall in the series. The winner of the bet would win the slap bet therefore giving the winner rights to give a slap across the face of the loser as hard as he can muster. At any given time. Painful? Yes. I would think so.

So now you ask why I may have brought up such a term? Well, this is the best example I can give to describe how I have felt at different times in my spiritual walk. Most of the time I don't see it coming...a convicting slap to the face. Although it may not impact me physically, it hurts just as bad if not worse than being physically slapped across the face.

Now to tell you how this happened. Just this morning I was reading a book I just started by Craig Groeschel called "Altar Ego." I am a couple chapters in...in fact, I just finished chapter two this morning, so that is very accurate. Today's chapter is called "you are God's masterpiece" and the quote that follows says: "When Love and Skill work together, expect a masterpiece." ––John Ruskin. So I'm reading and Craig talks about how "God created every individual with purpose, God is constantly molding us into His masterpiece, He saved us so we could bring glory to Him and make a difference in the world, you as an individual are divinely inspired and it wasn't by chance or accident that you were made the way you are." Yup. Yup. Things that many of us have heard before, things I know I have heard before. It's always nice to be reminded, it definitely takes the pressure off of me as an individual that I am constantly putting on myself to be or do. But, those things are not what resonated with me today.

Here comes the slap! I'm reading, I'm reading and then WHAM! Ouch.

Ready? Read the following:

"Out of all the nearly infinite possibilities, there was no better time for you to be born with your unique gifts, talents, skills, and personality. God knew you before you were, and He put you right where He wanted you." 

Keep goin...

"Because we have not grasped who we are, we work hard to focus on all the things we are not. Consequently, we are not living out of our true purpose; no wonder we're frustrated."

There's more...

"You are God's masterpiece. Wouldn't it make sense to ask God what you should do with your life? ... Your purpose is far beyond this life... As God's masterpiece, called to do his good works in a way that is all your own, you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose...He doesn't ask people to do something then realize later that they weren't equipped to do it."

Oh, it get's better...

"...some people have something I call "masterpiece envy."...when we compare ourselves with each other, we are not wise. Instead we should be focusing on the unique ways that God created us. We say, "I wish I could do that!" Instead, we should be discovering and acknowledging those things we can do. What are the things you can do that other people cant? God has given you everything you need to do everything that he wants you to do."

#thestruggleisreal

"Other people were created to do those things, and it's my great joy to let them live out the talents God made them for. Stop focusing on the things you can't do. Turn your attention to the things you can do... Start meditating on the truth about you: "I am the masterpiece of God. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. I already have everything I need to do everything God wants me to do."

And the cherry on top...

"You are who you are –– You are where you are –– because He set you on this path, plotted this course for you."

I'm still feeling the sting of that convicting slap. Let's be real for a moment. Here I am, where I am...a college graduate with two degrees, living at home with the parents, searching for a job and in the meantime not working a part time job. The struggle is real as I mentioned above, for many reasons. The struggle is real because I am used to being busy. I am used to piling my to do list high with commitments. I am used to going from one activity to the next. I am used to multi tasking. I have experienced what it is like to overcommit and I have suffered the consequences. You may think I am lazy for not having a job at the same time as searching for a full time position. Well, I am not necessarily doing what I am doing because that is what I want to do. God is teaching me to rest. He is teaching me to be patient (so hard!). He is teaching me to walk in faith. He is teaching me to trust. He is teaching me about myself and He is ministering to my heart through people, events and time spent with Him. I have been very blessed to be in a season like this although it has been hard because I am going against the only grain I have known in my life. Heck! I worked 3 jobs this summer, coordinated, attended and did hair for weddings and made time for fun with friends, then drove 31 hours home and stopped! Talk about a shock to your system! There is so much I have been learning and I know it is only the tip to the iceberg. 

I have come face to face with the reality that I doubt my training and preparation for the future dreams God has placed on my heart. In other words, at the time I didn't realize it, but I was really doubting the plan that God had for my last 4 years. I started thinking of all the things I could have or should have done. I thought about how I double majored and didn't just focus on one ability or strength in my life to master in. I've been thinking about how every job I have been looking into everyone wants an expert in one area. I have more strength in certain areas than others but I don't think that there is one thing I have mastered in. The reality that I have been shoving aside is that it's ok. There is a plan far greater for me than my own for myself. 

Like Craig said in his book: "what is it that you can do that others cannot?" Well, I know I have been told before, but I chose not to accept the words given to me till now... Not everyone can be so versatile. I am a flexible and versatile person. I can do many things well but I haven't mastered at one thing. Honestly, I think if anyone thinks He has mastered at anything it is then that He has failed. There is always more to learn, there is always somewhere to grow and develop. God is the master designer, the master artist, the master creator, the all knowing and all encompassing. That's a very humbling way to think about things. No one is perfect, because only One is perfect and complete. For far too long I have compared my talents, skills, and personality with others. They have what they have to complete the plan and journey the road they are on, and I have what I need to journey the road I am on and complete the tasks that present themselves and ultimately bring glory to God through His masterpiece. The challenge is this: take everything I have just read, the realizations I have just had, and take that convicting slap across the face and change my mindset. Learn from it. Do not simply know it. Act on the wisdom that has presented itself. 

Challenge.... wait for it.... ACCEPTED! Challenge Accepted!

So here I am. Teach me what You have to teach me. Grow me. Stretch me. & If it means another convicting slap to the face, then so be it. 

Patience Young Grasshopper

It's not always funny when someone calls you out on something. But, often I find myself laughing at the various times I am "called out" by God. So I get really frustrated and stressed out during a conversation with my mother and after the conversation I leave the house. I had to get out. The place of a home which used to be filled with peace has recently been a war zone between family members. Now I guess "war zone" may be overdoing it just a bit, so let's just say that home has become an uncomfortable place to be with the quarreling of parents and occasionally my sister who comes home only when she has to. I was that way in college too. I'm not saying I don't have any part in the un-peacefulness of our home, I have had my moments, mainly with my mother. It's a hard transition when you move home after 4 years of never living at home for more than a couple weeks on breaks. You are a different person, and it's not necessarily their fault that they (without thinking about it) assume that you are who you were when you left. They have only had the chance to see you in bits and it's not enough for them to understand you as an independent individual. I'm still struggling with that with my mother. It was a bit easier for my dad because we are so close and he and I are very similar, we still have little moments but they are very few and there is common understanding in the end. That's not exactly the case with me and my mother's relationship. Quite the polar opposite.

So anyway, I'm having a conversation about a couple things pertaining to my future with my mother (which I should have never started talking about in the first place) and it gets to the point where she's asking me questions or making statements that don't pertain to my character at all. Does this lady who birthed me know anything about me at all? Let me give an example: It was like telling Mother Teresa not to steal from the poor OR It was like stating "everything has to have a purpose in life."Actually that's pretty close to one of the things that she said to me. It's like telling me if I'm dehydrated I need to drink water. Duh! Ok, enough with the examples. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm merely trying to convey that whether it be my parent or another person's parent sometimes their "I only want what is best for my child" goggles get in the way of them seeing to the child's heart. Sometimes their preventative measures whether they be in word or physically acted can jump the gun. I think the fact that I was away for 4 years has a little to do with things being suggested or said that don't apply. I know to put my underwear on before I put my pants on, I know that the bunny ears criss-cross and make a bow, I know that a car needs gas to run, I know that I have challenges ahead as an adult, I know that the choices I make now do influence my future, I know that I need to take the real world seriously, I know that just because an good offer is made doesn't mean it is right to take it, I know not to be hasty and I know to do my homework. But, I also understand this: My God has me in the palm of His hand. My God has promised to never lead me astray and if I happen to be that one that takes the detour He will leave the many and go after me. I know My God has a plan, I know there is a plan and I have prayed and I have pleaded with the Lord that He would slam doors in my face if it's not the right one. I am doing my best as a learning and growing young adult.

Mother Teresa turning those tables for your enjoyment.

This post is pretty raw for me but, I also know that it is reality and people struggle everyday. So I'm struggling day to day just as everyone does, but I am also learning from those struggles. I know it's not my mother's fault that we don't always agree or that I struggle to communicate with her on certain levels. Thank God that we are different people! That He makes us unique! She has been there for me in so many other ways, I pray that I can do those same things for my children one day.

I have noticed through this also, that I am looking for confirmation and or a good word or helpful advice a lot from my mother, and its NOT a bad thing at all!! But, in my circumstance I need to be taking a lot of those conversations and thoughts of mine to the Lord. He is, after all, my provision and when I have left mom and dad behind, my relationship with Him is going to be most important of all.

Oh and as if there wasn't enough learning in the novel above! Here's another gem:

Faith and Endurance2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. 

BAM!!!!

 How's that feel Gabrielle? "Can I let you know when I regain my breath from being punched in the stomach?" Yeah. That's how that felt. Here I am enduring one of the most impactful seasons of my life thus far and not once have I said thank you for it. Thinking about it earlier I started to become so much more thankful for all the challenges I have faced thus far and I am hoping I can make that a habit for the future. I used to be so good at remembering to thank God through the trials and challenges but in this season it's something I have forgotten. I know I'm not facing religious injustice, or facing persecution for my faith but the bibles teachings aren't only for one season, one place, one situation or one time. Though these may seems like trivial first world problems they are still a challenge and battle for the one who faces a very real evil who seeks to destroy everything it touches. 

Anyway. That's a real moment in the life of me. 

A couple quotes from today's Jesus Calling that sparked a bit of the thought and learning:

"Bearing your circumstances bravely––even thanking Me for them––is one of the highest forms of praise."

"Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness." 

Sleep In Heavenly Peace

For the past almost two and a half weeks I have suffered from nightmares and night-terrors. I have had maybe 3 or 4 peaceful nights where I had not one nightmare. Perhaps it's the transition I have told myself, perhaps it's that I am overheated in my sleep (triggers nightmares for some people), perhaps subconsciously I feel anxious and my body deals with it through a nightmare. I have been plagued by guilt when I wake up because in my dreams I may have done something I would never do in reality like murder someone. I start to think 'what the heck is wrong with me?' 'what am I doing wrong?' When I got back from Costa Rica last summer I also was plagued by constant nightmares and through a lot of prayer and asking the Lord to watch over me and be present while I slept they eventually went away. The nightmares have been more constant and worse in content than when I came back to the states last summer. Even when I ask that the Lord be present as I sleep and dream I have been having nightmares. So this morning as I was troubled with the thought of all the nightmares I have had I kept reminding myself that the person who is in the nightmares is not who I am in present life. The desires to do evil in the nightmares are not the desires that I have in the real world. 

So I sit down to read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and open my kindle bible app and this verse of the day appears:

Of course I am like 'woah!' Coincidence I think not! I am in such a vulnerable place right now as an individual. I am back home and missing community and fellowship with friends and elders of my church back in Virginia. I am at alone most of the time and that is a key opportunity for evil to sink it's teeth into my mind. I was talking to Kadi last night about life apart from community and how challenging it is. It's a different world when you aren't plugged into a church yet, or a small group or when you aren't always pouring into people, and people aren't always pouring into you. You start to think of everything you could be doing or should be doing. You get down on yourself for not having motivation and structure in your life. But, that is the transition. It's the mud you have to trudge through to get to the stream at the other end where you can wash away the struggles and challenges you have overcome, and move forward into your future. It's preparation in the most vulnerable state, because you are alone, and there aren't as many distractions. Anyway... a little rabbit trail there. 

Sleep is precious. It is a gift and it can be compromised by evil that seeps in. I'm so serious. It attacks your identity in your sleep, it feeds on your past mistakes, it devours all that is good about the restoration of sleep. I'm fighting a battle right now. Every night as I lay down to sleep my subconscious mind is fighting and in the physical realm I am doing what I can to fight off evil that follows me into my sleep. 

So in my reading this morning from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young it was about safety! These are the key excerpts from the reading:

"In closeness to Me, you are safe. In intimacy of My Presence, you are energized....I designed you for close communication with your Creator....When you commune with Me in the garden of your heart, both you and I are blessed. Together we will push back the darkness, for I am the Light of the world."

Couldn't be any more perfect, right? It just means that I'm going to have to get closer to God so together we can push away the darkness that floods my dreams. Not a bad idea.


So my friends, how can you pray for your fellow Texan? Pray for my sleep. Pray for peace in rest. As you lay your head down on your pillow think of me and pray that I would be free from attacks and protected. & I pray that the Lord blesses you as you sleep that He covers you and keeps you.

That's life right now. It's 1:10 pm and I am sitting in my kitchen in my pajamas writing. Yep. haha



Also....

This is one of the verses that was with the reading. I read it in the 4 different versions and I love each one. Especially the NKJ & ESV which end with Selah.

    PSALM 32:7

NIV

7You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

           MSG

7God’s my island hideaway,

keeps danger far from the shore,

throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.

NKJ

7Thou art my hiding place; 

thou shalt preserve me from trouble; 

thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.

ESV

7You are a hiding place for me;

you preserve me from trouble;

you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah