Wars Waged Within

Let's be honest...or in this case, let me be honest. The past two days were pretty heavy. Isn't it funny that sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, when you start to come into realization of your freedom that's when something comes along to threaten it. Anxiety. Stress. Lies. They can be suffocating. I've heard it said before and was reminded this past week that "anxiety is selfish." I can see that. I can see where anxiety is an inward reflection on inner turmoil. It's a reflection on self and one's problems and or stressors. For myself and many others like me it is a battle of faith, it's a battle of trust. Anxiety is a battle. It's a war waged with yourself. But, I don't have to go into this battle alone. The flesh is weak which is why it's so easy to succumb to these things. I think most of my day yesterday was spent waging a spiritual battle of the heart and mind. The beautiful thing is that I am given the opportunity to make a decision. Heck! It's my very being! I made the decision to fight the battle rather than dwell in it. But, just because I decided to rise to the challenge doesn't mean everything changed all at once. It actually got harder when I chose to face it head on. There were points of weakness, points of breaking, and points of strength. Ultimately I know that because I have put my faith not in my own abilities but the Lord's strength to bring me through I know that I have come out on the other side and you know what...I. am. exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I am tired. Even though it has taken much energy out of me, and even though it's hard, I am called to face these challenges head on so that I can become stronger. I am learning. I am growing. It never ceases and thank the Lord that it doesn't! Peace has so much more value and beauty in my life because of the challenges I have faced and because of how I have seen the Lord redeem me from trial after trial. I don't have to live a life consumed. I choose to thrive, to grow vigorously and flourish! If that means that I undergo some pressure, if that means that I experience the process of refinement which makes things a bit uncomfortable then I am thankful still. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and to gain wisdom and ultimately come more into likeness of the Lord. A constant work in progress. That's what I am. I think I would be lost without something to strive for. I'm seeing these moments as opportunities and ultimately I know I will see the Lord's purpose in them. 

Expect the Unexpected

There's really no way to prepare for the unexpected. How could you know how to prepare for the unexpected when it is not yet known? So why even take the time to say that we should expect the unexpected. I suppose it's because the only preparation we can make for anything unexpected is to have open expectation, to be willing to take on whatever may come.

expect [ik-spekt] 

verb (used with object)

1.

to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the  coming of:

I expect to read it. I expect him later. She expects that they will come.

2.

to look for with reason or justification:

We expect obedience.

3.

Informal. to suppose or surmise; guess:

I expect that you are tired from the trip.

4.

to anticipate the birth of (one's child):

Paul and Sylvia expect their second very soon.

To be expectant is to look forward to, to suppose, to anticipate. But none of these things necessarily equate to preparation itself. Preparation is a whole thing in itself but we often pair preparation with expectation like a good glass of wine and fine cheese. I think what I am learning about expectation is that there really is no way to be fully prepared. Especially when on this tiny planet we call The World, living this little thing we call Life.

Life is ever changing and surprising. If we stop to think about it, we live our lives by expectation everyday, preparing as much as we can for what we know the day may hold, and supposing the rest by what information we can gather and piece together for the endless possibilities. I think I have just come to the realization that if I had to choose to live my life one way or another I would probably choose to live an expectant life rather than a life fully prepared. My adventure heart-strings and wanderlust spirit would die within me if I lived a life fully prepared. Now, don't get me wrong, for those of you who know me you know that I am a planner. I am all about the details. But, there is something beautiful about the big picture that I am still learning about. I think my spirit ultimately longs to embrace the big picture. It's exciting! It's inviting! It's adventure calling! There has to be a healthy mix for everyone. I can only imagine the stress and anxiety that some people suffer when they are stuck in a planned and prepared lifestyle, and when I say this I mean to reference to extreme planning and preparing. Cinematically I can imagine a story about a mid-twenty something female who is obsesses over having the planned and prepared life. Only to find that everything that can "go wrong" does, because it's not within her plans or control. Yet, they are only wrong because it's "not a part of the plan." The sad part of it all is that these unexpected happenings could be beautiful, or are, but she is so blinded by her own control that she can't see it. 

I do not want to be the embodiment to this somewhat fictional character. I want to learn to accept change and the unexpected with grace. I want to be able to have peace when a curve ball is thrown my way. I want to be excited about the possibility ahead rather than worried about details of the now and to come. I want to choose that when things happen they are in perfect timing. What a sad life it would be to come to the end of it and realize that it was all about me. What a meaningless life it would be to live it knowing that I was in control of everything and everyone. We would have no sense of accomplishment. No sense of achievement. We wouldn't grow. Simply, we would exist to keep going till we can't anymore, and I don't want that. 

So here we are encouraged to expect the unexpected and this is the first time I have thought about this in-depth. I am hoping that all of these words I just exploded on the page are making sense. I'm coming to the conclusion that being expectant doesn't mean that you have to be prepared. There is movement in our culture to "plan for the unexpected" but I honestly don't think that it's possible to live that way. You can't plan for the unexpected because all we can plan for is what we know may be possible and those are not unexpected things. It's a life lived by faith. It's a life lived in trust. It's a life lived by expectation. It's living a life open to "come what may."

Coffee With Elinor

It's one of those days where I feel simply un-motivated. In hopes to kick this un-motivation to the curb I made a cup of coffee and took a little walk upstairs to see Mrs. Elinor. Now, you see Mrs. Elinor is basically the adopted grandmother of everyone in the office. She has been here working at Regent for longer than anyone I know. She is a wise soul with so much to give and always makes me feel special. I walked into her cozy cube and she asked me to take a seat in her chair. You see, Elinor's cubical has a ceiling to it made of drapes to block the harsh florescent light and several baby lamps to bring life to her space. It's a peaceful environment. It's one that makes you feel like you stepped into a very small living room. I sat there in her chair over my cup of coffee as she stood leaning against her desk. Times spent with Elinor are always a treat. I sat and sipped as she spoke from her heart about certain things that were happening in her life and within the workplace. She made me tear up a couple of times in the course of 10 minutes. I sat there in the moment knowing exactly where I was, what I was feeling and simply taking a heart-note of thankfulness and admiration for this woman and our relationship. I hope to have as much passion as her when I get to be in my 70's. I want to have much to give and hope to make everyone I meet feel special. She talked about that specifically as I sat there. She truly believes in the individual. It's a beautiful thing to hear her talk about her passion and care and heart for everyone she meets and comes in contact with. I know this is such a random tid-bit of writing but some things simply need to be expressed and who am I to keep them back.