A Beautiful Farewell

I feel as though my brain has been reeling with so many thoughts as this year is coming to it's close, and the next is only two hours away (1 hour for my friends on the east coast). A year ago today I was in Missouri packing up my bags in preparation to fly out New Years day to Virginia. I finished packing and spent the rest of the night watching the ball drop with a couple family members. Below is the photo that I posted on New Years day a year ago...a bit of foreshadowing you think? ;)

So I have decided to talk a little bit about the highlights of 2014 and some of the things that I learned as well as some things I am reflecting on. This may be a really honest post...but honestly what have I written in the past year that wasn't? 

Learned Lesson # 1 :: Be Honest With Myself

Oosh. So spending a year at home which would have been about 1/2 of 2014 definitely gave me the opportunity to reflect on life. I had a lot of time to be in the now because there wasn't a next step to look to. I'm realizing how beautiful that time was and how therapeutic it was to just be in the present, not planning too far ahead and taking life as it came, daily. It gave me ample opportunity to get to know myself a little better and to be really honest with myself. I mean, think about it, life gets busy, and if you all know me, I am filling every minute of every day with something. When life gets busy we tend to neglect ourselves. I guess I hadn't really noticed how much I need "me" time until I recognized its importance in my life. I did a lot of writing this past year, a lot more than I had in a very long time. I hope to do even more writing and reflecting in the coming year. I want to be honest with myself because that's how I learn and grow.

Lesson Learned # 2 :: I Am A Verbal Processor & I Need To Learn To Love It

Accept it. Love it. Well....at least I have one of those things locked down. :] Girls talk a lot...and then there's Gabe and others like her who tend to run the same topic into the ground or what I have otherwise come to call it, word-vomit. I exhaust myself with talking. It happens. It's a real thing. I'm not just someone to talk because I like to hear myself talk or to talk about non-sense. When I verbally process it most always is about something that important to me. Well if I think back on a post from last January I talked about how I had coffee and lunch in VA with a bajillion people and they all just about asked the same questions...so...I processed, and I learned A LOT. I went back to Texas with new thoughts in my head and new songs in my heart. & I quote from me a year ago: "The really cool thing is that when I was processing life with people I was learning and realizing the realities of what life has been like over the months and how I have grown as an individual." Well, past me, we are still on the same page there. Over the past year I have processed deserts and flowing streams, I have processed love and heart break, I have processed beginnings and endings, I have processed acceptance and letting go, and so so much more. I'm actually sitting here laughing to myself over the mixed memories that are flooding my mind right now. I'm still working on the loving the fact that I verbally process but accepting it is the first part and seeing what positives lie in the fact that it's a part of me. If you have lent an ear to me over the past year I am so thankful not only for someone to listen but for those who shared parts of my heart because those words. that's exactly what they are. 

        

 

 

To those who lent an ear

To those who heard my heart

To those who echoed back

I can't encompass enough words to say

 I'm thankful.

How ironic.

 

Lesson Learned # 3 :: Give Room For Growth

I learned quite a bit in this area. I realized how important it is in relationships to give room for the other person to grow. I have a whole blog post on the topic called Re-potting plants. People grow and change. I am not who I was yesterday and I don't plan to be the same tomorrow. I think not only did I learn about allowing others room to grow within my relationships now but a lot about how important it is for a healthy marriage. Along with giving others room to grow I also am learning to give myself room to grow. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to becoming stagnant or falling into falsehoods of who I have been in my past. Gotta make room for a new foundation. Gotta give way for new roots to take to fresh soil. 

Lesson Learned # 4 :: The Most Magical Adventures Arise When You Aren't Looking For Them

So a good friend of mine got engaged and was planning a wedding for January 4th 2014 (Happy Almost Anni Kack & Tay!) & I was invited to attend the wedding but also asked to be the weekend coordinator/director....so logically, off to Virginia I flew Jan 1st 2014. As you read above in my instagram post "Hopefully this is a foreshadowing of the rest of 2014." In this year I have flown to Virginia Beach for a wedding, drove to Oklahoma City for a wedding, worked and volunteered in Guatemala at a children's orphanage, drove to Tennessee for a much needed friendcation, flew to FL for family vacation, moved 1/2 way across the country to Virginia (again), traveled all over Maryland, Delaware, Virginia and New Jersey for my job and most recently got back from a trip to Iceland. Most all of these travels weren't planned far in advanced but the opportunities presented themselves and I chose to take advantage of them. It's kinda neat how each one of these adventures came to be. I would go in detail about them all but that would take quite a bit of time. This year has been full of travels and cultural experiences. I have loved life on the road and in the air. My thirst for exploring the world around me has turned into wanderlust. If 2014 held all of this I cannot wait to see what 2015 has in store. I'm realizing how important it is to experience this earth before I'm not here to see the majesties God has created. My heart longs to be outdoors amongst pathless forests, overgrown gardens and standing on the edge of mountaintops. So here's to dreaming and waiting to see what opportunities come my way.

Lesson Learned # 5 :: Desire Is Not Longing & It's Not Wrong

This is something I wrote about most recently called "Let's Do Life Together". There's something to be said about the differences between desire and longing. So if you haven't read that post from November it's all about doing life with someone. I feel as though "desire" is a more appropriate word to use when talking about having a significant other to experience and do life with than longing. Longing implies that one is discontent and wishing for something they do not possess. I would say that desire is an underlying feeling that doesn't always reflect feelings of discontent. If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, it's about 2am eastern time and I am just about wiped but pushing through to finish this! I have questioned myself and found that I am desire-full but not longing for someone to share life with. I went aboooout...I'd say 21 years of my life, not really thinking much about sharing life with someone. Then desire set in and I questioned myself. Am I discontent with where I am? Am I going to become a girl who consumed by longing to be dating someone and longing to just get married? Bleh! No! I actually love where I am right now. I love the added freedoms that come with being single and the things I get to do because I have those freedoms. But this doesn't mean that I don't desire to share day to day life with someone. I am not a dater. I don't date. I've been out on a couple coffee dates here and there, a couple lunch dates, and even a dinner date was proposed, to which I said "let's just stick to lunch." Dinner is a whole different ball game people. haha. I'm not a fan of dating. I am a fan of best friends and falling in love. I am a fan of getting to know someone through sharing life with them. I want to take a walk together, read together, explore together, just be. I want to share so many things that I love and that are important to me with someone. I want to share the important people in my life with that person. I want to share in their life, their hopes, their dreams and greet challenges with them. All of these things and more I believe I mention in that blog, so I won't take any longer to get descriptive here. Anywho, I have come to learn that just because I desire to do life with someone doesn't mean I'm longing for it and just because I desire to share life with someone doesn't make it wrong. I am still waking up and doing life every day. I am still embracing the freedoms that come with being single. I am taking in every moment this Christmas with my family realizing that one day they won't JUST be mine but that I will share them and while that will be the best ever, I only get my family to myself, just like this, right now. This Christmas will never repeat itself. I get to sit on my grandpas lap and share beds with my sister and just enjoy my family as it is now, right now. Who knows what next year will bring. I will say I am more excited and anxious than ever to share my family with someone. I am so thankful for my family and extended family. This New Year I'm taking it all in because time flies and I want to take it all in and have the chance to appreciate and take hold of every moment I can.

So many lessons were learned but there you have just a few. I got a bit length on that last one but I'm pretty passionate about them all. In closing, it's been an exciting and unforgettable year full of so many surprises and blessings. Farewell my dear 2014 and the beauties that you were, hello 2015 and the beauties that you'll bring!

 

xoxo, gabrielle

Adventure Spirit

I did just spend a great deal of time writing a post about my next adventure but then I was reminded that it may be smart to keep the details to myself until it is safe to divulge them. Internet safety and all that. So instead this post shall be more of just the scribed thoughts running through my head. Even I don't know them fully till they are in written form.

As my next adventure draws near I can't help but to think where I was a year ago around this time. A young girl of 22 with dreams of changing the world and exploring the earth. haha Not that much has changed since I am 23 and still have dreams of changing the world and exploring the earth...just now I have a big girl job, I live on the east coast and I have the opportunity (including financial means) to venture out and see the world.

It's times like these that I begin to be thankful for the state of life I am in. I am a young, healthy, and inspired, single, independent, woman. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to shove all those things in anyone's face. There's something freeing and appealing to me about being content with where you are in life. Here I am looking at all of those describing words and thinking...what is wrong with any one of those things? Nothing. There is nothing wrong with any of those but so often I find myself taking those things for granted or wishing that they were different. Womp. Womp. Like I said before, none of this is planned writing, it's coming straight from this brain of mine. Yay! Spontaneity!

So here I am in this wonderful stage of life where I am getting to go on adventures and although I do have dreams of one day being able to adventure with a studly guy by my side hehe it's kind of precious to be able to embrace this adventure spirit of mine in this season. I'm getting to experience culture and the Lord in new and beautiful ways. I'm constantly learning and seeing the Lord in new ways when I'm out in nature. I know that after this trip I won't be the same. I know it kinda sounds like much to be saying that but I honestly think that a good majority of people who travel never return home the same as they left and I don't intend to. I want to take as much of it in as possible. I want to observe and behold as much as I can with my naked eye. I want to remember the scents of the earth and the delicacies I will partake in. I want to make memories that keep my adventurous spirit alive. I want to experience the creation and the Creator at a deeper level. I don't know exactly how I will return home, how exactly this trip will impact my heart, but I am excited to find out.

xo,

Gabrielle

"Let's do life together..."

The title of this post is a phrase that surfaces every so often in conversation with my girlfriends. Of course relationships is always a topic on the table and equally so the topic of what we are doing or not doing with our lives. Following shortly after that are conversations of how many of our friends are having babies or just adopted a new pet...for the record my house recently adopted two parakeets and a puppy border collie. Also, this week alone 3 people I know had babies and the pictures of these little ones and others of similar age are starting to hit my instafeed more frequently. What. Is. Life. haha

So back to the original intent of this post, this phrase, "let's do life together." I have a dear friend of mine who I spoke a lot about this phrase with over the past year. My dearest Ashley if you are out there reading this I miss you and we really should Skype soon! My dear friend of almost 10 years and I had many talks of the heart, soul, spirit, mind, life, and adventure. She loved my phrase "let's do life together" so much that back in April she made an image that she shared with me with those very words.

So this phrase came up last night once again when I was hanging out in my house with a big group of friends. One of the couches in my living room had all the married ladies sitting and talking and the topic of how they all met their significant others came up. Of course other girls in the room, myself included, are eating it all up. That's when my friend Jenny mentioned doing daily things with someone and how she just wants that. My mind immediately went back to that phrase, "let's do life together." So I'm not seeing anyone right now. I'm not anxious to be. I'm not needing to "fill a void" or "become whole by finding my other half." & can we talk a minute about that phrase... YOU ARE A WHOLE PERSON whether you are with someone or not. So many clichés, my oh my. I've never been one to long to be in a relationship. It doesn't bother me that I am single. This just isn't the time for me and that's perfectly alright because I'm just going to keep doing what I need to do when I need to do it. My first priority has been to secure a job. Check! My second priority is to set new roots in healthy soil here in Virginia Beach. There was a big reason I completely uprooted myself and moved to Texas thinking I would never be back in VB and I didn't see that until I got back to the 757 and realized that I get a fresh start in a familiar setting. This past year was a blink. I cannot believe that I spent an entire year at home and now Virginia Beach is my home. So I have been given an opportunity to pave a new foundation and so far although it's been crazy, it has been going well and I still feel like I am setting new roots and finding that healthy soil. I'm wanting to form healthy habits and make healthy choices in many different areas of my life. Some areas are receiving more attention than others and I'm working on fixing that but it's been good. I'm so thankful. I've noticed I manage my stress differently now (something I talked about in a previous post) and I've noticed that I'm making better decisions and more mature decisions. It's honestly saving me a lot of grief. I look back on my 4 years here while I was in school and I shake my head and laugh to myself at some of the things I remember about decisions I made and the things I learned and have learned since then. So good. Thank God.

Bah! Rabbit trail! I'm sorry. haha. So anyway, point being, I'm not searching for love, I'm not lost, I'm not lonely (most of the time ;) we all have our moments), I'm not uncomfortable being alone, I'm not desperate...but as I was telling my friend Kelsey: just because I'm not focused on dating, or getting engaged, or getting married, doesn't mean that the desire isn't there. My underlying desire is to "do life together" with someone. I simply want to build upon a friendship to a point where I can see myself spending time every day with that person as my best friend for the rest of my life. & that takes time! ohhh that takes time. So, no rush or anything. 

I just simply desire to sit in a coffee shop and share my day with someone. I want to spend time outdoors exploring with someone. I want to sit in a room curled up on a couch reading with someone. I want to watch clouds pass by and storms roll in with someone. I want to share my family with someone. I want to share traditions with someone. I want to laugh with someone and have inside jokes with someone. I want to make a fool of myself and cherish the way he teases me. I want to sit in silence with someone. I want to run errands with someone (weird, yeah I know). I want to cook and bake with someone and for someone. I want to get in the car and drive to destination unknown with someone. I want to share my friends with someone. I want to share so many beautiful moments with someone because I know they are ever changing and people are starting to go on and about their own lives. I want to encourage someone. I want to face life's challenges and hardships with someone. I want to be an advocate for someone. I want to surprise someone. I want to dote on someone. I want to be selfless with someone. I want to be vulnerable with someone. I want to pursue dreams with someone. I want to inspire someone. I want to stir someone to want to go deeper in faith and become closer to God. I want to love someone and love with my whole being. 

I may have already found myself in hard situations with friends in the past because I give so much of myself into relationships in general, that any significant hurt from those relationships resonate deep. Knowing this, I know that this love, whatever and whenever it may be, is going to be overwhelming. I'm excited and since this phrase is on my mind off and on over the past year and was recently back on the table I felt I wanted to write about it. So thanks for hanging in there if you've made it this far through all that ooey gooey gushy girl stuff above. I'm putting it out there. I'm being vulnerable with my readers and honestly being more vulnerable and real with myself. That's what all this writing has been about over the past year. I'm working on being honest about things and it all starts with being honest with myself.  

Good stuff. Till next time when I write about something not ooey gooey...

It's finally fall & wonderful things are coming!

Woah... That Anxiety Though...

I kinda chuckle reading the title I just wrote for this post. I can't take too long to write but I need an outlet for some encouraging quotes of the day.

"Be quiet dear heart, breathe deep and long, soul, and find comfort in your God, who has gone before you in all things..."

"Tranquil stillness is the space in which our minds and bodies can finally reconnect with our spirits and give living water to our withered dreams."
-Whole Magazine (written by Sarah Dannemiller)

I may have had an anxiety attack at church last night...and by may...I mean I did. I laugh at it now I guess because I'd rather laugh than be serious about such a matter. Perhaps its how I am dealing with my stresses and anxieties lately. So the short story is that I was sitting there listening to a teaching on anxiety and stress, of course processing through my current stressors but my stresses as of recently have not manifested themselves in my typical way of experiencing stress. Rather, I have been quite calm. I realized that before I left Texas the way that I manage my stress has changed, and not because I made the conscious decision to change it, it just sort of happened. I don't feel stressed in the sense of being overwhelmed because generally I am excited about where I am and what I'm doing and what's coming. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that are weighing on me. I'm having to dig a little deeper to discover these things so that I can properly process them. I got an image the other day while in worship at my discipleship group called "Love Feast." Funny to me because I don't often get images like this and didn't understand it until I started writing it down. I then shared it with our group and Sara (our discipleship leader) asked for me to pray into it for us...which I have never done before. Anyway, this image was of a heart in the cavity of a chest covered in cobwebs. I can see it clearly in my mind even now. So first I was like...huh...weiiiird. I then decided I should write about it so I jotted down what I saw and meaning was revealed as I wrote.

This is what I wrote:

Cobweb heart- cobwebs...they're uncomfortable, basically invisible, and hard to get rid of but the Lord wants to help me wipe away the cobwebs that I may not be able o see or know are there to gain deeper access to my heart. Lord may I be sensitive to your spirit calling out the cobwebs over my heart and anxieties and fears and hardships and lies.

So I shared this and prayed into this for our group. Honest Gabe time... haha thank you Dan Jeter. All this anxiety and fear and all the lies began to surface during my trip to Tennessee this summer. I had a moment where I shared with my very dearest sister Brit that I felt people saw me as "this way" or "that way" or whatever it may be. She said, "Hon I think you are the one thinking those things about yourself, I don't think anyone thinks those things about you," and my friend Alex confirmed. I spent a very long 13 hour drive processing a lot and when I got home had a conversation with my girl Caron from Florida who put it bluntly because she had been struggling with the same thing. "Gabe, you aren't concerned about what others are thinking about you, these are things you are thinking about yourself and you are projecting those thoughts on other people." I think I may have shared this in a previous post in recent months...but there I was in a puddle of my own tears in my car...because she was right. I had been at war with myself struggling through my own self-defeat. Knowing that then I did spend some time with the Lord about it but I also had a lot of other things taking my attention so it kinda took the back burner.

Here I am now a couple months later and all around me the lessons and words are about anxiety. Leila (my friend and coworker) actually named the fat man that sits on my chest Roberto haha comedic relief. But, honestly, it really feels like I have a very heavy barbell laying on my chest that I don't have the arm strength to lift. When I got to Virginia I jumped right in, sink or swim. I haven't taken as much me time as I need and I'm realizing that I really need to take time to process because I haven't. I still have moments of realizing I live here and I have a big girl job and other major changes. It was a quick decision and quick following action to make the move and start a job two days after I got the offer. I haven't spent quiet time with God to process through everything I just jumped right in. So the good thing in all of this is that through it all I am realizing some important things. Thank God for realizations!

I completely uprooted myself when I left VB back in August of 2013. This is an opportunity to set new roots and lay a new foundation for my time back here for however long it may be. I'm not planning on going anywhere so it's important for me to be putting my roots in healthy soil. I have the knowledge to do so, so, come on Gabe get with it! haha

I need to work on my self-perception cuz it's not good. I think some old stuff has resurfaced as of recently that I have been freed from for years but they are coming back to taunt me as lies and I have been believing them. So there's that. I actually had a really good convo with an elder mentor from my church sunday morning at breakfast and we talked a bit about that. I'm so thankful for her. This is an area I will need to spend some time meditating on and praying about.

These are two major areas I need to work on and then there are all those others but it'd be a lot to talk about here.

Just some thoughts on where I am in life right now. It feels good to write again & now that I've hit the end of my lunch break I'm gonna get back to work. I start traveling October 1st! Say a little prayer for me as I hit the road! I'm super stoked.


Just some real moments, learning and growing with Gabe. Till next time...

   

A Woman Of Wisdom

Good morning loves,

I write to you this bright and shining morn from the outer banks of North Carolina. As I arose this morning I stepped into the sun and greeted the sea before me...then poured myself a cup of coffee. It has been far too long since I last wrote and I believe that there are quite a few blog drafts I should finish soon. I have some catching up to do when I find the time or perhaps make time. I honestly miss writing my thoughts down as often as I had been over the past year. I think that it's only fitting that I continue to work on being disciplined in my writing and reading especially in this very exciting new season.

This morning as I waited on Julie to roll out of bed I spent some time reading. I have found it to be very therapeutic especially with my heighten anxiety levels as of late. This morning I read from one of my favorite online magazines an article that I will share here because it spoke to me in several areas of my life. As I completed the article I took a deep breath and sighed. I could go into detail about how each part spoke to me but this would become far too long and I need some more time to process through my reading. So here I leave you all with this article and hope that it speaks to you (of course I'm speaking to my sisters). If you care to share your thoughts leave me a comment I'd love to hear what you think.

&&& I promise to post more in the upcoming weeks about my latest and long overdue rebelling a of my adventures

A WOMAN OF WISDOM

The woman of wisdom is a kind-hearted, God-fearing and gracious woman. She seeks wisdom and discernment through her relationship with the Lord and knows that He will reward her for following His call on her life.

The woman of wisdom is humble. She invites with open arms and loves with a warm heart.

The woman of wisdom is spirit-led.

The woman of wisdom lets God water her spiritual roots, and she bears fruit as a result.

The woman of wisdom builds rather than destroys. She gives life, shows love, and has a heart full of grace towards others.

The woman of wisdom reflects Christ and gives others a taste of true community that God desires for us all to take delight in.

The woman of wisdom exerts joy in the life that she has been given to live. She understands the cost that God paid on her behalf and strives to have a faith that she would be willing to pay the cost for herself.

The woman of wisdom swims through the painful waves of life that wash over her because she knows that God will lead her to shore. She swims with a firm faith because God is her steadfast anchor.

The woman of wisdom lives in daily readiness to meet Jesus. She unwraps the gift of life God has given her and is a gift to others because of how she uses this gift.

The woman of wisdom realizes that she is called to higher grounds in the broken world that she lives in.

The woman of wisdom centers her life on kingdom values rather than the values of this world.

The woman of wisdom wakes up each morning and chooses to experience true, abundant life with God each day.

The woman of wisdom is always learning with an open heart and listening with open ears.

The woman of wisdom represents qualities that reflect the character of God.

The woman of wisdom allows God to love her, to fill her, and to bathe her in His righteousness.

The woman of wisdom realizes that story that she has been called to participate in. She accepts Christ's invitation with both hands and lives and loves fully.

The woman of wisdom acknowledges the presence of God in her life. He fills her. He is her reason to live.

The woman of wisdom desires God's desires for her life. She lives with a heart of contentment because she puts her trust in His will and provision rather than her own.

The woman of wisdom surrenders the entirety of who she is to her Father and His unfailing love. 

The woman of wisdom allows God to breathe life into and reveal life through her.

The woman of wisdom seeks to revive the dead and pour into them the life that will lead them to the Promised Land.

The woman of wisdom lives a life that is pleasing in God's eyes. She lives out of obedience to her King and takes part in the royal priesthood of God's kingdom.

The woman of wisdom is a woman of the Lord who knows she isn't perfect, but doesn't strive to be perfect, either. The woman of wisdom knows that if she fails to pursue wisdom or fails to let God determine proper priorities, she will be destructive rather than life giving. Because of this, her focus is on living the life that God has called her to live so that she may be pleasing in His eyes and play her role in the Kingdom properly. 

The woman of wisdom answers to God and God alone. 

And she lives for God, and God alone.

Beautiful Girl...Let The Sunrise Come Again

I know it's way too late/early in the morning but I couldn't help myself. I haven't blogged in over a month and I'm feeling the weight of thoughts overflowing my mind; and of course I would choose to write during the craziest part of this month. I honestly don't know where to start so I guess I will start with a summary of these past several months.

To sum things up:

Dearest May, 

you were pretty exciting. I wasn't sure what the later days would hold but Lord knows I was in for a life impacting experience. I spent a glorious week in a third world country loving on little ones and placing my craft before the Lord to use to help His people. I came back exhausted and sick but pushed through and pulled through to end up on the other side, a more driven and passionate form of myself. Then you were gone. Just like that.

My Sweet June, 

you held such gladness and sadness. I longed for the 18th day to arrive, a fresh start, a new year, a chance to greet life with new inspiration and goals. Twenty-three, what a funny, uncomfortable, interesting, hard, and lovely age to be. (so far that is)... Then you brought me sorrowful news that had my heart longing for Virginia and my family afar. I can't help but tear up thinking about that early morning phone call and how beautiful it was to see the Lord's hand at work in the midst of all our grief and mourning. Before I knew it...

Oh Hello July, 

we've been together for quite some time now thought I feel like it was yesterday that we began day 1. I don't remember leaving the earlier days behind us only because I was yearning for that 8th day to begin the most beautiful adventure of this 23rd year yet! Oh the forests that captivated my heart and the sounds of effervescent voices I knew so well. It has been in your days I have found a glimmer of hope for whats to come in the month to follow but it is also within your weeks that many of my covered weaknesses and inner struggles have surfaced. So here I am, in the midst of them, still processing, learning, healing, and growing...

So I've been a part of this really awesome bible study with some girls from my church. I didn't know what we were going to be studying when I joined in on the first day they met until I was sitting in the living room with a bunch of girls I didn't know so well and they brought up the study we would be doing was one on Gideon. Nooowww, I don't know about you... but I didn't remember much about Gideon........let's be real though... I didn't remember anything about Gideon, other than in my head I was like 'Hey! I know that name! It's in the bible somewheres...' yep. So I went out and bought the study book the next week to go along with the video we would be watching before discussing the message Priscilla Shirer brought. Now I do wanna make a comment about this lady cuz she's just awesome and reminded me of Pastor Tina from New Life Providence in Virginia Beach... for those of you who know who I am talking about you know that Pastor Tina is pretty awesome and so anyway, this Priscilla lady reminds me of her. ::Ok, end random tangent:: So the tagline or 'log line' of the book I guess you could say is "Your weaknesses. God's STRENGTH." I didn't go into this bible study really expecting to come away from it with anything specific. I had no goals for myself other than forming bonds and fellowship with the girls...but in reality what I have gotten from the study itself has been priceless. 

I'm gonna skip over talking about the first session even though it was like WOAH awesome! Only cuzzz I am going to write a lot anyway...which is one of the things I wanna talk about here... So the first session was super sweet and all but then later sessions began to stir something in me I wasn't expecting. 

I'm just gonna throw these words out there bluntly...

Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. 

It's really hard for me to write those words because of how I relate to them. Let me preface what I write by saying that I recognize now that I am in currently under attack and in a constant battle against an enemy that would have me destroy myself if he had his way. With that said I will explain my relationship with those six words above. It's probably a given to most that a person would struggle with a lot of those things when they are in the shoes I am in currently. That place in-between completing sixteen years of schooling to step out into the real world to get a job and be jobless for a time before stepping into the next season...it's pretty uncomfortable. I mean, let me be real, I haven't been stressing over the fact that this season has been uncomfortable... let me make a metaphor since I like using them and really only the ladies will understand... it's like the uncomfortability (that's not even a word but deal with it) of wearing a bra, it's not the most comfortable thing but the bra is a reality and there's just no way around it until that glorious moment when you get home and you can shout 'FREEEEEDOM' as you throw it across the room.... hahaha only me??? ....awkward. Well anyway, it's kinda like that...it's not something I can really get away from right now and I've learned to live with being uncomfortable but it sure would be nice to move on from this season sometime...soon...maybe? God? He's workin' on it, He'll get back to me. Anyway, now that I've embarrassed myself a little... we move on! 

"The enemy would have us look inward and be insecure about our strengths and weaknesses. We are to look outward and upward at the power of Christ and He in us!"      -Priscilla Shirer 

The funny thing is now that I am two weeks out from that second session and have taken a personal vacation to Tennessee and come back for that third session and had several conversations with valued friends I can honestly say that I see the pattern. I can see where the underlying internal struggles have surfaced I can see that there is residual hurt that I am needing to deal with before I move on from this season. When I say hurt I am not referencing hurt inflicted on me by another, I mean self inflicted hurt and no not physical hurts but psychological hurts. I know we all deal with those, we all have our own poisons these are just a few of my own, I am my own poison. I won't say I am my own worst enemy because that's just not true, but there is an enemy that's mixing the poison and I'm full and well taking it, or have been, or did. Like I said, I'm working on it. The best way to combat struggles and lies is to call them out right? Well, I'm calling them out. Right here and right now. Not only am I calling them out here but I have also called them out within the company of a few friends who were to kind to listen to my heart break over my own self defeat. 

"When life's shadows distort our reality, those distortions can easily become our truth, ripping us away from God's truth and thwarting our purpose." -Priscilla Shirer

I have this feeling... this feeling that this season is coming to it's close and another one is about to begin, whatever that may mean. So with that I am reflecting on the struggles of this past year and some of the battles I have had to fight were battles against these lies: Inexperienced. Intimidated. Incompetent. Too Young. Rejected. Unwanted. Thank God for saving me from myself and revealing his truths to me because the past couple weeks I have been overcome by all of these lies and I was drowning in them. I had began to believe them about myself and started to throw them around my neck and shoulders like a new accessory. I took my former parts of me I didn't like and began to believe that those past hurts were still a part of me. I think it's because I am dead-set on not ending up back there. I didn't like me then, but I am not the same person I used to be. I'm going to continue to battle it, I will have an enemy constantly trying to convince me that I am that person when I start to loose sight of who I am in Christ. The good thing is that I'm learning how to fight that battle and I don't have to do that alone. 

I had a friend put it bluntly to me the other day as I sat in my car in my driveway after an exhausting work out: "I don't think that it's that you are concerned with what other's think about you Gabrielle, but more so that you are hung up on what you think about yourself." &&&&& with that I was done. She kept talking and speaking over and into my life and I was just wrecked, sitting in my car and realizing that God was calling me out on my self destruction. I had had a friend earlier that week tell me when I told her that I am striving so hard to be a lady, that I long to be a woman and just don't feel that way, that I am the only one that thinks that I'm not that and another friend agreed saying that no one saw me as a child. I've had a best friend tell me that I am too hard on myself, that I beat myself up over things that I should give myself more grace for. All of these lovely ladies are completely right and I am so thankful for their words for helping me face this battle head on. 

This post is oooooberly long but I've decided I am not going to apologize for it. I am learning to accept that I am a verbal processor. Both of my parents are and neither of my sisters are so here I am the one in the middle with all the words. I will say more than I need to say. I will overwhelm myself with how much I talk. I will spend way to much time exhausting the same subject till I'm blue in the face. Recently I have hated this aspect of myself, it's so hard not to exhaust everything I have to say when I talk with friends when I'm over here in Texas and I don't really have any of my east coast friends to process through life with face to face or a significant other to walk through life with. (& oh my dear ashley I fear to have overwhelmed you too much although you have repeatedly said you love my 'word vom'.) So this is me. Processing. I am going to work on my verbal processing rather than hate myself for it. It's funny because I have projected my own overwhelmed state on others... meaning when I have said in the past 'I'm sorry for overwhelming you with all of this' they usually say that they aren't overwhelmed in the least but what I'm realizing is that it's really me who is overwhelmed by it, maybe not necessarily because of talking about it out loud but also because it's all been internally running through my mind and my heart that when it finally comes about in word form I've already spent hours, days, weeks or months mulling it over inside. So to all my dear friends who have experienced my so called "word vomit" over this past year I want you to know how appreciated and loved you are. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping me process this season of life. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your wisdom and shared advice. Thank you for letting me be me and as messy as I may think I am thank you for loving me in the midst of it. 

I think that's all I have... It's 3:30 in the morning and I really should turn in for the eve. If you care to, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from y'all. I'm not even really sure any of the above even makes sense since I'm basically sleep typing... Goodnight Moon!

With Love,

With A Heavy Heart

It is with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat this morning that I write this post. For those of you who don't know a friend of mine from school from the theatre department, from my theatre family was killed in a head on car collision Saturday. He and the other driver in the accident were driving down a two lane highway in indiana (he on his way to a family reunion) when my friend Adam went to pass a Semi and didn't see the car in the other lane they both attempted to avoid each other pulling out and colliding head on in the ditch. Please be in prayer for the family of 5 that was in the other vehicle. The mother and father of the three children in the back seat were last in critical condition and the children's status was never released.

Adam was flown Careflight to a hospital and a few hours after the accident he passed away from his injuries. So one of my best friends texted me yesterday at 730am which would have been 630am her time to see if I had heard the news... one of the most sobering texts I have received in a long time. "B...did you hear about Adam?" (B is Julie's nickname for me) To which I responded no and she immediately called me. Our theatre department is a family, mess with one of us you better be careful because we have each others backs. I don't mean that to sound threatening it's just to represent how we look after each other. I don't know ho I could have survived college without my theatre family students and professors alike. So with this news we are all breaking and the Crowhort is probably taking it the hardest because they spent the last three years studying, learning and growing together to finish up with their MFAs back last month. My heart breaks for my friend's loss and breaks for the hurt that so many of my wonderful and dear MFA friends are experiencing.

A little over a year ago Adam's father was killed in a car accident as well. He was devastated and we all hurt for him. We even set up a giving account where people could contribute to helping to bury his father and send him home for the funeral...here we are a little more than a year later with a giving account set up once more for our friend, our own brother's funeral. I want to say a few things about the character of my friend Adam before I go on in this post to reference some things I am learning this morning about death.

A Character of Life

I met Adam when he was a first year MFA student and I was a Junior in College. The first show we worked on together was Three Musketeers. I was the Assistant Stage Manager and he was one of the main supporting roles. Adam was a humorous guy. He liked to tease the BA's especially the girls because he found them to be more gullible, knowing we would fall for his dry sarcasm and humor or just for the tap on the shoulder-walk away-pretend it wasn't you joke. Adam would tease me about taking me out on the date that he had never asked me out on. He also joked about how he felt we were growing distant after we had just finished an entire show we worked together on for several months. "Adam...we just spent the past several months working on a show together!" hahaha. He joked about me leaving him alone with the kids...that we didn't have. He was always one to walk up to a group of us talking and put his arm around one or two or three people and stick his head into the conversation. He and some of the other guys had a game where they called dibs on everyone and everything so yes even myself along with so many other girls of the department got called "dibs" on. "Dibs on Gabe!!!!" - Adam "What does that even meeeeean?! Hahaha" -Me ::Adam Shrugs Shoulders::

Adam was a giving person, a true 21st century good samaritan. A friend of mine had mentioned to someone within ear shot of him that she was frustrated that she didn't even have money to buy lunch and he whipped out a $10 and handed it to her not even knowing who she was. Adam had the biggest arms and the biggest hugs coming from a big guy with an even bigger heart. Adam made sure that no one person went unnoticed or unrecognized. I can remember on several occasions where he praised me for doing a good job even clapping for me as he walked by. "Keep up the good work Gabe." -Adam. I don't think I appreciated that as much as I should have. Adam saw when people were having a rough day, he knew just by looking at them. He was quick to listen and be there for the people he cared about. Although he was scared of leaving school and heading out to LA he was determined to make the leap of faith with his fathers encouraging words "I'm betting on you even if no one else is" and knowing God had his back. My friend Tim put it this way: "If you haven't made the world a better place, then what difference does it make. Thank you Adam for inspiring us to live fully, love passionately, and laugh without hesitation." If I could say anything that would encompass him, that right there would ice the cake.

So...death. A bittersweet taste on my tongue with that one word. & can I just take a moment to mention that it is magnificently stormy outside. The storm is a reflection of my heart, moments of eruptive thunder and pouring rain and then stillness for a moment. I am still between disbelief and realization. Yesterday was long. I went to church because I knew that Adam would have encouraged me to, he was also an ordained minister. I came home after lunch and fell asleep waking up still exhausted and eyes still tired and worn out. Tears come and go as they please.

Our Loss, Adam's Gain

I'm sure you have heard people say in the past "God's got another angel up there" or "It's our loss but Christ's gain" both are things I have heard in the past when going through bereavement. But, this time I am choosing to see it as Adam's gain. Yes, I still believe that it is Christ's gain but I also want to take the time to recognize that Adam gained a whole heck of a lot when we left this earth. I am in no way belittling the gain of Christ I just also want to recognize the significance of what Adam himself has gained. It's easy to say they are in a better place and not think in depth about what that means. It needs to be talked about, we should be discussing it, especially when it hurts. So I did some research on death this morning and came across this relevant magazine article from 2008 that talks about death being the servant of God. I was like, huh, interesting perspective and you know what...I agree. God sent Christ to this world to conquer death and by conquering death as He did, death became a servant.

It's a bit of a read but honestly I don't think I could cut anything out so stick with me for a moment and read the below quoted pieces from Relevant Magazine, see if it doesn't strike a heartstring with you as it did with me:

"Death divorced from God becomes a power unto itself and becomes master of humanity rather than servant. Only through the re-mastery of death can death cease to be an enemy and return to its place as servant of God and humanity. Death is what Christ came to reconquer and is the means by which He conquered. Death became servant to Christ so that it might once again become servant to humanity. It served the true human so that it might serve all humans."

"Death is the gateway to life. Death is the boatman who ferries us from this life to more life. Death is the servant now. For one must lose his life to save it. We are baptized into death so that we might rise with Christ. We are joined to Christ’s death so that through death we might be joined to Christ’s resurrection and new life (Romans 6:4-5)."

"New life is not found through any other means than death. Resurrection implies death and it is resurrection that we seek. New life in Christ is not merely the prolonging of this life but it is a completely new life unlike this one. New life requires death. Death is the gift, the means, through which we are granted new, resurrected life with Christ."

"Lordless death is the great enemy, not death itself. Christ, who submitted to God, submitted to death and in doing so received life and death’s allegiance. Christ cannot die again because death has no mastery over him (Romans 6:9). Death returns to its proper function as servant of God and is rightly ordered humanity’s servant as well. Natural immortality is horrendous and hopeless. Death gives us hope for new life. Death, when with God, is hope. It is hope of resurrected life. It is the gift of God to humanity, abused by humanity during the Fall, then given back at the Cross. Paul continues to warn that sin and corruption lead to death (Romans 6:23;8:6) but to lordless death, not Christ’s death, which brings eternal life in Christ."

"J.R.R. Tolkien illustrates death as gift and the corruption it underwent better than I ever could in his epic The Silmarillion:

The sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world; wherefore they are called the Guests, or the Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Iluvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy. But Melkor has cast his shadow upon it, and confounded it with darkness, and brought forth evil out of good, and fear out of hope." 

"Charles Williams, a personal friend of Tolkien, once wrote “The definition of the Fall is that man determined to know good as evil.” One example of this is to be seen in humanity’s view of death. A good was seen as an evil. A gift was seen as a curse. A servant was seen as an enemy and became just that. Christ laid down his own life freely to death and in doing so mastered death. In his mastering of death he gave death to us once again to be our servant. Christ says, “He who believes in me will live even though he dies,” (John 11:25). Christ goes onto say “whoever lives and believes in me will never die,” (John 11:26). I believe Christ speaks of the life that only comes from death. As Christ cannot die again, neither can those who are united with Christ’s death. Death is not the end of life but the means to it, for Christ says, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it,” (Luke 17:33). To defeat death one must die. To be born again one must die. To live one must die. Therefore, die before you die. There is no chance after."

So there you have it my friends. I myself want to remember to see death as a servant of Christ. I made the choice to die to myself a long time ago but it's not just a one time decision that I can make and not continually work on. Dying to oneself is a lifelong commitment and it's hard! I believe that is what Adam did in his time here on earth. He died to himself and accepted Christ's defeat of death so that when death came to him he would gain life. Death is a daily walk, not just a one time occurrence. Death is servitude. Death is choosing life. Death is not the enemy. 

On a lighter note: The 5 Stages of Grief as told by Giraffe from Robot Chicken:
WARNING: Bleeped Out Offensive Language Content Viewer Discretion is Advised Not Suitable for Children 

FINALLY!!!

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-long-awaited.html

The first of a several part written series of recounting the days I spent in Guatemala. Tune in for reflections, thoughts and feelings.

On Your Mark. Get Set.

UPDATE #9 -- 2 DAYS TILL GUATEMALA :: It's been about 8 days since my last post so forgive me for not updating you all till just now. The week before a trip like this is always craaaazy. It's bee exhausting but I'm glad I will get to rest up some tomorrow before flying out to Guatemala!

I REACHED MY FUNDRAISING GOAL 2 DAYS AGO! Yay!! Thank you all so much for your support, encouragment and prayers I could not have gotten to this point without you all. I receieved a couple checks in the mail and with those I was able to reach my goal! Praise God!! So awesome!

In other news, been doing some major preperation with unexpected things popping up now and then but everything at the moment has been smoothed out and I am just spending the day wrapping up paperwork and packing!! Be on the lookout Tuesday for a bloggie post (video log) on my blog. I will no longer be updating the YouCaring page and will be absent from this blog for the week, so if you would like to keep up with me this week head on over to --> www.livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com  You can also sign up for e-mail updates on the page!

I have some major packing to do! ¡Ciao!

One Week From Today!! Check out the Heart for Hearts Blog!!

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com/2014/05/o-n-e-w-e-e-k.html 

// Another Update About Guatemala On The Heart For Hearts Blog //

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com/2014/05/fundraising-ends-tomorrow.html

Check it out! :)

15 Day's Till Guatemala!

Posted a little update on the other blog this afternoon! Check it out:

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com/2014/05/quince-dias.html 

The Heart for Hearts Blog Is Back Up & Running!

http://livingadreamersdream.blogspot.com - Check it out! The Heart for Hearts blog is back up and running...... not that it was ever down it's just that since we are 20 days out from the trip I am starting to write about everything Guatemala on that blog! Be sure to sign up for an e-mail alert if you want! I will be posting vlogs while on my trip! Until then I will just be giving written updates on what's happenin!

Yayy!!! 20 days!!!

Guatemala May 2014

It's here!! 35 days until I leave for Guatemala! As that countdown becomes a smaller and smaller number I'm getting more and more excited! If you haven't seen my posts on Facebook about it this is where I will go a little more in depth on what I am doing with the Hogar Miguel Magone in Guatemala in May!

Almost a month ago I was asked by my dear friend Alli if I was interested in going with her and a team that she works with to be a videographer on their trip to Guatemala. The orphanage which has been around since 1997 started out in a woman's home and now functions out of several buildings dedicated to over 80 children between 3 and 16 years of age. The majority of these children have been victims of abuse or neglect. Over the past 3 years the orphanage has been working with a group called Orphans Hope and Legal Shield as well as other donors to build a home for the girls they have taken into their care. This "princess palace" will be a building dedicated to the girls of the orphanage, whereas before the boys were all separated by age group and the girls only had one section of one of the buildings for accommodation, now the girls will be able to have their own space and eventually the orphanage will be able to expand their mission!

So here's where I come in! The orphanage is constantly in need of donations to keep the orphanage to keep up and running! I have been asked to come to Guatemala to spend a week filming material to be developed into promotional video segments, that will help to tell about the orphanage and their mission, and be used to bring in more financial donors. I will be capturing what an average day looks like for the children and people who run the orphanage. If a picture can speak a thousand words then think of how much more a 1 min, 3 min, 5 min, or 10 min video can speak! I will also be capturing the grand opening ceremony for the Maria Auxiladora Hogar (Home).  Having the footage of the grand opening will be a testament to how donations that have been made over the past 3 years have been such an incredible blessing to these little girls. 

I cannot wait for the 20th of May to come around but then again I still have a lot of preparing to do! Before the 10th of May I am needing to raise $1000 towards my trip. I am working completely pro bono and I am also having to raise my own funds to cover expenses of the trip. You can find a break down of my financial needs on my fundraising site: Send Gabrielle To Guatemala 

I am so thankful for the opportunity to go and serve using the skills I have acquired in the field of documentary filmmaking. Allison (my friend asked me to join the team) and I are fully trusting that the Lord will provide everything we need for this trip and that He will continue to provide for the orphanage even after we return to the states. I started to cry a little over a week ago when she told me the day after I started raising money that someone had already pledged to donate some funds to both of us! If any of you would like to give towards my trip to Guatemala you can find more information on how to do that through the link above or the little widget on the side of this page! :] Any amount helps even 5 dollars gets me closer to reaching the goal! 

Anyone who may have followed my previous blog: A Heart for Hearts I will probably be using the same blog to document my time in Guatemala! I will definitely be posting the link in this blog to direct y'all to the other blog when I have posted there. :]

It's so interesting to think that I never saw this trip coming, yet, here it is! It's really happening! I am really getting to live out part of my dreams as an artist and advocate for those who are suffering or are in need. I have already been learning so much as you all know who have been keeping up with this crazy thing I call a blog. I can't imagine what's coming and I'm so excited for it! If you would friends, be keeping me in prayer for the preparation of my heart, mind and spirit, for the preparation of needful things, for our team and their safety and health; for the orphanage and the finalizations with the girls home; and for the film that comes together after I leave central america that it would be a vehicle for future fundraising and support for the orphanage. 

Psalm 10:14But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

If you all have any questions about my trip feel free to ask! Also, if anyone would like to share my fundraising link with friends or family that would be so awesome!

p.s. here is a link to the orphanage's website that was made by a volunteer that worked with them at one point. http://www.hogarmiguelmagone.com

Gratitude

Two posts in one day! Whoop! I honestly couldn't wait to write this one so that's why there are two posts in one day.

Let's start off with how this morning kinda went down. I have this bad habit of staying up till the wee hours of the morning so here I am at 1245 in the morning just laying down to catch some Zzz's when I decide it would be a good idea to check my email because I was expecting a reply from someone whom I had asked about meeting with that day. Well I check the email and find out that the person wants to meet before 8am and I'm like woahhh woahhh woahhh. Before 8am? That's a thing? I totally kidding but honestly I was a little frustrated that I didn't get the email until 1245 in the morning. Realizing I have to get up at 7am I lay down and of course of all nights my mind is reeling. I look back at my phone and its 2am. Poop. Really? Of all the nights I can't sleep it had to be this one? Alarm goes off at 7am and my body and mind didn't know what was going on. It's one of those moments when you honestly can't tell why there is noise and where it's coming from although you wake up to an alarm everyday today is different because you got less than 5 hours of sleep. Bleh. I get up and start the day a little frustrated till I get outside and its gloomy and immediately I am comforted. I put on some copeland and make the drive out to the meeting which I was late to. Afterwards I was sure I was going to head home and lay back down but I guess I felt a little inspired and romanced by "coffee" by copeland so I made my way to starbucks. The Starbucks near the college campus is super urbany and cozy, with edison bulbs and all. So I got myself some breakfast and a vanilla nonfat latte and sat down to read my bible app. I spent a couple hours there and then decided to head home to be productive and prepare for a phone conference I have coming up in less than an hour.

I get home and decide to do some more reading. This time out of my Altar Ego book by Craig Groeschel. I had left off the last time in the middle of a chapter on living with gratitude but it had been several weeks since I last read so I refreshed a bit and then finished the chapter. & Oh... muh gosh. On the second to last page I broke. Like, had to put the book down and grab a tissue because I couldn't contain the tears. Wanna know what that sentence was? ::: "Know that you have everything you need right now." --- So simple right? Yet, so profound. I think we focus a lot on God providing for here and now and future but we forget that we have what we need right now. Right now! Today he has given me my daily bread. Today he has provided me with the ears to hear my alarm go off and get me up to start the day. He has give me a car that's paid off and has gas in the tank and drives me to and from wherever I need to go, whenever. He provided the meeting this morning to connect me with people that will eventually help me to get clients to provide me with funds to pay for my trip to Guatemala. He has provided me with this computer and all my software to use to be able to work and be productive and work as a freelancer for the time being. He has provided me with a bed to sleep in that gave me the best rest I could have received in the 5 hours of sleep I did get. So many things. He provided me with ears to hear and to listen not only to people but to music. Thank God for music. I have everything I need right now yet I am so ungrateful and I am so shamed and humbled.

My frustration this morning with having to get up so early and not knowing till so late was totally unnecessary. So I think about today and how I have everything I need right now because it has been so graciously given and I am so unworthy. Then I begin to think about tomorrow and the further future and think about how the things of tomorrow or the further future that I have at those points may not be the same as the things that I need for today. Needful things constantly change in these seasons of life, and although I may want something right now because I feel that I need it doesn't mean that I will get it and doesn't mean that that Lord should give it. In His perfect timing. &&& the things that I have right now may not be what I have in the future. Any worldly thing could be taken from me at any point in time. Any person I hold dear could be taken at any point in time. I realize I am not showing my gratitude enough.

Craig said it pretty well in his book: "Have you ever gone to a lot of trouble to do something special for someone, but they barely acknowledge your effort? You planned. You saved. You prepared. You thought of every detail. You made everything just right. You worked like crazy to surprised someone, bless someone, honor someone. And they didn't say thank you. Of course you didn't do it to be rewarded, but an acknowledgment would have been nice.
Imagine how God feels when he gives us life, his love, his presence, his blessings, his Son. And we ignore him, continuing to do our own thing. Or perhaps we're a bit more gracious and give a polite token "thanks, God." ...Gratitude kills pride. Gratitude slays self-sufficiency. Gratitude crushes the spirit of entitlement." 

Shoot! Ok, go ahead Craig! So I think what really hit home for me in reading all of this is that I have all that I need right now. Right now, I have what I need. I have to keep telling myself this over and over. I have what I need right now. Looking towards the future its easy to forget the present and it is a present! haha Punny! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So here I am preparing for a trip to Guatemala in May (which I will talk about hopefully later this week) and I am realizing that although in the future I need to have raised $1000... right now... I have what I need. It's hard to think that way when we think about money because a lot of what we focus on with money is what we need for the future. Needing to pay bills, rent, mortgages, for food, clothes....camera equipment ::cough cough:: haha. If I can trust Him with today and that He has provided me with today what I need to make it till tomorrow then I am thankful and grateful. Perhaps with this I will continue to learn and grow in trusting Him and His future provisions.

Signing off, God Speed <><