Well folks, the past several weeks have been a jumble of happy and excited moments mixed with anxious moments that pull at struggles with past depression and peaceful moments. Let me be real for a moment. Every night since being home I have struggled with sleeping I know that a lot of it has to do with the transition but I have only had 3 peaceful nights of sleep since being here for almost 2 weeks. The other stems from the monsters in my closet. I was writing a friend today to ask for prayer when I wrote "Like a little kid that is afraid of the monsters in their closet." This triggered my thinking about that very thing. My monsters do not have 6 arms, they do not have fangs and claws, they do not have mangy fur or slimy scales, their eyes do not glow red or green, but they are very real indeed. My monsters have the power to work from within me to destroy me. My monsters are lies, they are doubts, they are insecurities, they steal joy, hope and peace, they make me feel hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, and unworthy of anything good. The monsters in my closet are young and old, some have been with me for years and others have only now showed up. Well today I am claiming a new season in my life. The first step to conquering the monsters in my closet is recognizing that they are there. I think the reason I am just now realizing this is because these monsters are starting to become comfortable with the light of day. They are not only present when I sleep; which I was able to shake off for the day ahead. They are now seeping into the daytime. I am finding parts of my day in doubt or fear or guilt. Now that I recognize that these monsters are real I begin steps to taking back what they don't own. Old monsters and new only have the power that I give them, and because I know I am not strong enough to rid the monsters from my closet by myself I am surrendering the task and every part of each monster. I long to feel freedom again. To breathe fresh air and see the light breaking through the dark.
Something I have noticed about my writing and how I talk with people when I am talking personally is that I am very emotional and descriptive. I don't want anyone to be alarmed by it. Over time I have been told and I have realized that I feel deeply and I experience deeply. I am sensitive, which at times can have its down-sides, but then again when it comes to walking through this life I am sensitive to what comes my way. I used to think that it was a problem and that I needed to fix my sensitivity but over time I have come to know that being sensitive is not a bad thing I just needed to learn how to see it and experience it in a good light. I want to be sensitive to what troubles me, I want to be sensitive to conviction, I want to be sensitive to experience life to it's fullest. To feel deeper and understand more of the Lord's heart and to understand the hearts of my brothers and sisters on this earth because I have struggled with some of the same things that they are or have. If I wasn't sensitive and if I didn't express all that I do I wouldn't be who I am, and certainly if I didn't express all there is to express I would be lying about my life. It isn't perfect. It isn't always daisies and butterflies and I will not try to pretend that it is so people will like me or so people don't have to worry. There is no reason to worry at all about my wellbeing. I don't worry about myself and if anyone would be worried about their wellbeing I feel that I would probably be worried for myself before anyone else could even begin to worry about me. Sounds funny to say but I am not worried because I am encountering God. I am encountering life's challenges and I know that I will come out on the other end. God has brought me from the lowest of lows in my life and I know what it feels like to come out on the other end. Friend, it is the most wonderful and glorious of experiences. The most impactful and life changing experience I have ever encountered. Now thinking about it, these monsters don't seem as scary. Ha.
So that's my life. Perhaps it can be of encouragement to someone out there or just serve as some entertaining reading bit. Whatever it is to whoever is reading there it is, it has been writ.
Also, this song. Yes. This song.
This Is What You Do - Bethel Live
It's always like springtime with You, making all things newYour light is breaking through the darkThis love it is sweeter than wineBringing joy, bringing lifeYour hope is rising like the dawn
It's always like springtime with You, making all things newYour light is breaking through the darkThis love it is sweeter than wineBringing joy, bringing lifeYour hope is rising like the dawn
This is what You do, this is what You doYou make me come aliveThis is what You do, this is what You doYou make me come aliveThis is what You do, this is what You doYou make me come aliveThis is what You do, this is what You doYou make me come alive, You make me come aliveYou make me come alive, You make me come aliveYou make me come alive, You make me come aliveYou make me come alive, You make me come alive[x2]
It's like I'm living for the first timeFinally living for the first timeIt's like I'm living for the first timeFinally living for the first timeIt's like I'm living for the first timeFinally living for the first timeIt's like I'm living for the first timeFinally living for the first time
